Really really struggling with my toddler

[pleasethanks]

My DD is nearly 2. Up until last month we had a pretty good thing going (apart from the first few months, but lets not get into that!). She self settled at night and we heard nothing from 730pm till 830am. And a nice 2 hour nap in the afternoon.

Suddenly everything has changed. She is in the process of moving rooms at nursery and I don't know if that has been the catalyst. But my little girl now fights me on EVERYTHING.

• Doesn't want to wear her nappy and screams blue murder whenever I try to put one on (potty training will commence as soon as she moves room at nursery as they have toilets in that room)

• Doesn't want to go in her buggy EVER and just about has a stroke if I do manage to get her in it. If I let her out to walk, she just wants carried

• No naps. She is tired, but won't give in and fall asleep. So she is then a tired grumpy mess in the afternoon

• No bath. Point blank refuses to get in. I have tired manhandling her and getting her in, but she hooks her feet on the edges and I just cannot get in her. She looks dirty

• Night time - she now insists on us staying with her till she falls asleep. if we leave, she cries hard and she is sick.

I am sick of it all. I am at the end of my tether. Is this normal? The sleeping/napping thing really bothers me and I suspect is maybe the root of the problem, but I don't know how to solve it. Any suggestions?

I had PND after she was born and if this continues, I can see it coming back. It is just so hard all the time now.

Oh dear. I think at some time most mothers have gone through this. You could try a reward system. I use marbles in a jar with my son, every time he does something bad like kicking or screaming 'no' at me, he gets a marble taken out. This includes not helping to get dressed, throwing things and so on. At the end of the day he gets a sticker on his chart for every ten marbles left (he starts with 20). Once he has 30 stickers we go to the toy shop and get him something. Maybe since your DD is younger she could get a small treat at the end of the day as a reward?

With regards to washing, do you have a shower? Get her and you undressed and just carry her in with you. Don't give her the option of a (fun with bubbles and toys) bath until she learns to appreciate it.

Sleeping...I am surprised she has slept in the day for this long TBH. My DS gave up day time naps at 12 months. Just keep telling yourself it will improve, she won't be like this for too long. Have you got a CD player? Can you play some lullabies when she goes to bed? Or try leaving her at bed time in stages. On her bed at first, then a chair next to the bed, then half way across the room, then by the door, then on the landing (I'm assuming things here I know). Gradual change is always kinder.

There is not much you can do about the nursery situation I don't think. Your DS just needs to learn that change will happen regardless of what she wants. This is a long hard lesson to learn, but she'll get there eventually.

Keep repeating 'it's a stage, it's a stage' over and over to yourself. Seriously, this too shall pass. Good luck.

I'll deal with things 1 at a time:

Naps- either shorten her sleep or go with her giving it up and move bed time forward

Potty training- do it now while she's up for it- nappy free outside in the evening/ potty ready etc. You don't have to do it all immediately

Instead of naps in cot/ bed let her have quiet tv time/ DVD (she'll probably fall asleep then anywY)

Try doing bath earlier or shower- sounds over tired.
Or just do it anyway- don't react and shell give up fighting (hopefully anyway!).

The pram thing- don't bother let her walk and if you need the option get a buggy board.

Oh, sounds really hard.

It also sounds pretty normal.

I think maybe it might be a good idea to get as much support as you can and get some down time for you if you can.

Also, adjusting expectations. Your wee one sounds like she is going through a typical phase - asserting her wants/needs/desires, however unreasonable, yet still REALLY needing you, hence the wanting you ate night again.

Add to this the transition from napping to not napping, which often happens at this age, sometimes for good, sometimes just for a wee while, and it's bloody hard.

You sound like you could do with some support and that you are doing your best to give your daughter what she needs.

It's a tough stage in every parents life, but if you are at risk of depression, do seek support now before it gets worse.

Thanks for the replies. I might try the reward system, worth a shot. Not sure it will stick with her as she knows when she is doing things wrong (tells me she is being bad and carries on doing it, or I tell her I will take her toys away if she throws them again, so she picks them up, gives them to me and says 'take away mummy').

I have tried afternoon baths too, but she is not up for it. I managed to get her in the shower with me once last week. I tried again today and she went fucking nuts. Hard to hold a toddler who is fighting you when you are in the shower.

Quiet time is a nightmare with her as she just will not sit/lie still. She won't just conk out in front of the tv if she is tired, she is hard going! I bought a story cd today, so if there is no nap tomorrow I am going to try getting her to lie with me in her room and listen to it! Ha!

I might go and get her some pull ups tomorrow as a comprimise. I am so worn down I really cannot face full on nappy training and I don't think her current room at nursery can really manage it very well as they have lots of babies to look after.

God I sound negative. The joy is slowing being sucked out of me at the moment!

buggyrunner If I do let her out the buggy/don't put her in, she walks 3 steps then wants carried!

comingout Thanks, I am getting lots of support from my DH. ILs are nearby, but they don't really get it I am afraid. See us as rather moany about it all.

Wow her with new bath toys, get some pots and pans, jugs etc from kitchen with spoons, hopefully she won't be able to resist

Try and make anything/everything a game - water play in the bath, even just leaning over the edge to start with, nappy pants with her favourite character (wow, look at these special big girl pants, look there's winnie the pooh!!).

One of my boys dropped their nap too early so he has quiet time after lunch instead, most of the time I put the t.v on for him to chill out and sometimes he falls asleep watching.
Story cd or music cd to listen to at bedtime, with a special night light? We have a light show lantern type with pictures that spin round.
It is really tough and draining but if you spend some good quality time with her when she doesn't have to do anything (nappy, dinner or bath time) then it should really pay off when you need to get stuff done. Just follow her lead and let her do whatever she wants, but make sure she knows it's her special time with you to do what ever she wants.

LBs I have tried all that. Crayons worked for a few days, old hat now. Brought in sieve etc, saucepans. No interest. Bought a wee family of ducks, no interest. Her hair looks manky, but how on earth do I get it washed?! Can you use dry shampoo on a toddler?!

I might be way off here, but have you tried putting her feelings into words a bit? My DS also hates a nappy change (he's the same age) and if he's really making a fuss I say "I know you don't like having a nappy change as it's a bit boring and you have to lie down - but you can tell me what song to sing while I'm changing it (or whatever). Now, shall we change your nappy in the living room or the bedroom?"

The pram thing is hard - DS walks everywhere and generally hates being carried but I would probably do a firm "walk or pram" option, if you don't want to carry.

Baths is probably a phase - would it help if you got in too?

It's so hard when it feels like they are testing every single boundary at once.

On the daytime sleep, what time do you aim for a nap? My DS gets up at about 6.30/7 and then has his day sleep at 1.30/2 - if I try to put him down before this he is either not tired or only has a shortish sleep. He then goes to bed at about 7.30/8.

Oh I feel your pain. It DOES get better, I promise. If any any kind of reward system works, go with that, although I was told to reward good behaviour and ignore bad, so wouldn't then take marbles out again if she was naughty... DS was a nightmare at 2 and we ended up having the HV round to make suggestions. She was fab (although I appreciate it can be a lottery!) - are yours sympathetic?

With nappy changing, DS got a sticker for getting on the changing mat without creating merry hell. After a few days it got better. Now he talks more, it turns out he doesn't like having his bum wiped.

We used to have daily baths but went down to every other day around that time because of his tantrums... It took the pressure off and he started to enjoy them again. We gave him a choice and said: look, you're going to get clean. Do you want a bath or shower? Try giving her 2 options that are acceptable to you and letting her be '- big girl' and choose herself.

With the buggy... Don't pick her up. Just say no (I know easier said than done!): choice is in the buggy or walk. If she wants to walk, she walks.

Not sure what to suggest about sleep but quiet time if she won't go down definitely sounds like a good idea!

Shes just pushing boundaries. I know it's hard!!! Try not to let her see you get riled. Deep breaths, walk off to another room if possible to cry/scream/whatever! Hope it gets better soon. I promise you, ive been there too.

could have written this myself about my 21 month old and I don't have to deal with it every day as I work full time. However, I do feel it sucks me of energy. He hates getting his nappy changed, he too refuses to nap during the day, always disobeys me even though he knows what he is doing is wrong. He also decided to start wanting me in the middle of the night and so I spend half my nights lying on the floor next to his cot.

I always wanted a second child but the thought of dealing with this and a new baby terrifies me. I also struggled when he was a baby - not pnd but close I think - and sometimes I feel like I am close to depression with how hard I find parenting. My DH finds it all quite easy (as does every other mother I know) and so that makes me feel even worse. Plus I have the guilt of not spending enough time with him during the day which is another issue....

so you have my sympathy. I don't have any answers I am afraid other than to so you are not alone.

Thanks for your lovely message emmyloo. I agree with you about the second child, I just don't think i can put myself through this again. And that makes me feel guilty. And I don't want my DD to ever think she doesn't have a brother or sister as she was too hard work. The problem is me, not her. I guess I just need to learn to deal with it a bit better. The lack of control bothers me.

I work part time. Would go insane without it and am a far better mother to her for working.

emmyloo I absolutely do NOT find parenting easy! It's a chuffing nightmare at times! Not all children are the same though, and this stage will pass relatively quickly. It's just a case of toughing it out until then and setting firm rules and boundaries for the DCs.

It's not easy. Wish it was because I'm exhausted!

Ive had a lot of this too. Now a 2.10 , the book 123 magic has worked wonders. Timeout if no compliance by no 3.

Fuck off tap