My ds is 4 and has been seeing his father on a monthly basis since 6 months (with the exception of a 5 month gap when he was 1). I have always promoted contact between them hence me sending him from 6 months (he left me during my pregnancy). I grew up without a dad and do not want that for my ds. However, since the very start my ds does not want to see his dad. From what I gather (hearing him in background etc) he is ok whilst there, but the initial separation and build up to that is awful. Ds is becoming anxious throughout the month, waking in the night crying that he doesn't want to see his dad.
I'm not sure if it's because he doesn't understand when he's going... Ds is delayed in his speech and understanding and definitely does not understand concept of "you're seeing him next week" or marking on calendar etc.
He tells me "I don't love daddy", and "daddy's not my best friend you are". I tell him daddy loves him and he can have more than 1 "best friend" but he gets angry and upset.
Regarding his dad, he can be very harsh with ds, and understandably finds it difficult when ds screams he doesn't want to go/clings to me/becomes hysterical on collection. He responds with anger, screams at ds and does not help.
He only sees him on a monthly basis as he lives 4 hours away and cannot afford to collect him more regularly. I constantly BEG him to Skype ds, call him etc throughout month to make the transition easier but he "forgets" or "is busy". He gets upset because ds does not want to talk to him and gives up.
I don't know what to do. Ds is growing into an anxious child. I want contact to continue, as I said he is happy when there and comes home happy. But due to his delayed understanding it is hard to ease his anxiety. Are children ever old enough to "opt out" of contact? I'm stuck between a rock and hard place, i feel like I'm forcing my ds to see his dad when he really doesn't want to, after I have handed him over I feel sick with guilt, ds gets angry with me for handing him to his dad.
Sorry for long post. I'm just really at a loss here and concerned about my ds waking in the nights now scared.