Feel like a rubbish mum

[Pammym]

I am finding the kids very hard work this hols. DD is 7 and DS is 5 and they have always been really good friends but since the hols started, they have been constantly winding each other up, fighting, arguing over tv programmes, computer access. It is mainly DD who is the catalyst. I think she is beginning to find her independence more and more and I think the age gap is beginning to show itself more. Even when she is not fighting with her brother, she is rallying against me whenever I ask her to do something, be it have a bath, get dressed, stop watching tv, brush her hair, brush her teeth ... you name it!

Anyway, long and short of it is that I have been shouting lots, especially at DD and I hate it. I always feel guilty afterwards. Sometimes I just don't seem to be getting through to her so I end up talking to DS about it in a loud voice so she can hear - I say things like 'I don't know why your sister has to behave like that, it really upsets mummy' and then she ends up getting upset and says sorry and then I feel twice as guilty!! This pattern repeats itself frequently these days. How can I stop it?

Both of them are in sports camp today and I am having a break - supposed to be doing housework but can't stop mulling over how bad I feel as a parent and needed to write it down.

My dad died a few months ago and I know I have been more short tempered since then - wonder if that is something to do with it too. Need to get a grip.

Would really appreciate a few parenting tips right now.

Thanks.

I am drawn to posts like yours at the moment-I'm finding the holidays heavy weather too. I think it's inevitable that the children will scrap a bit-they're not used to being together all the time. Mine are 6, 3 and 1. The one year old is fine - just wears me out! I'm having to rein in my grumpiness with the other two and attempt to empathise. My inner person wants to scream "just get on with each other" or blame the older one . I have trained myself to try to say "what's happened here?" rather than cast blame. Works most of the time. Days like sports camp sound great-a bit of time for the two children to have their own thing to do and time for you to regroup. And I'm trying really hard not to feel guilty about telly. We've done loads of lovely stuff and I think the DVD that's playing at the moment gives everyone a bit of together but alone time.

By the way, I don't think you sound rubbish . Another thought. I've had to really go against the grain and get dd on side by praising her when she's good with ds and empathising a bit when she's annoyed with him. I think I had been going down the "you're older you should know better" route a bit too much and have tried the "don't we love ds, but three year olds can be so pesky, can't they?" . Because he does ruin her best laid plans sometimes . Seems a bit better. And they were both out all day yesterday which has made today sooo much easier.

Oh, and today, while they're out, in between housework and mulling over parenthood, give yourself some time to do what you want. Yesterday I had a whole hour feet up with a cuppa and a magazine and actually felt relaxed for the first time in weeks-you know that heavy limbed feeling.

Sorry for all the short posts-meant to say I'm sorry for the loss of your dad . That's bound not to help-you're grieving and need to cut yourself some slack.

Have a look at some info about triple p parenting. It covers how to reduce nagging and shouting. Our local authority gives talks on it and we had one during our primary school induction.

Thanks, will have a look.

Have you read the book 'siblings without rivalry?'. It seems to get recommended a lot on here, I just got it myself to l

Oops... Just got it to look through. My youngest is only 6 months but trying to get ready for the inevitable squabbles ahead!

Oops, last post was meant for TheDuck. Molehillmountain, thanks a million for your messages. Will try praising more for good behaviour with DD - that could work. x

Thanks ImNotCute - think I could do with a good parenting book - will have a look at that one.

I have the other book by the authors of "siblings without rivalry" the "how to talk...." one and it is the reason why I've managed to improve things

Thanks again Molehill - am off to Amazon to order both. I have to say, a break from them today is doing me the world of good so hopefully I will have a small reserve of patience for when I pick them up! x

Panmym I could have written your post when mine were that age, they are 10 and 13 now, you may (or may not) like to see my thread 'postcard from Tether's End'. Like your DC mine were best buddies until about that age when they started to bicker all the time. They now swing from bickering all the time to being best buddies, doesn't seem to be an inbetween.

you do not sound rubbish, I'm sure you're great and perfectly normal plus you have had a significant bereavement, condolences about that.

The only thing I would say is that rather than sounding off to the sibling I would talk to your DD and say these things. She needs to know how you feel and be able to respond. If you can possibly get quality time with each of them alone it may be worth it, plus the time for yourself is so important. Think of ways they can help you round house or when you're out so that you can give them praise and encouragement. Can you think of any ways that DD could help DS eg. get him a drink or read a book with him, anything to get them helping each other is good.

It is hard and the long hols certainly don't help do they? All the best.

Senses, thanks so much, I really appreciate your comments. I have ordered both books recommended above and have taken on board a lot of the good advice I have been given. I like your idea of getting them more involved in helping round the house too.

Feeling much more positive today. :)

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