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Dealing with tantrums & hitting/ pushing at 21 months old

9 replies

lizardqueenie · 08/08/2012 20:35

Wondering if anyone can give me some advice on what has worked for them & their young toddler?
We had a bit of a rough playdate today- DD snatched toys away, pushed & shoved to get her way on to/ into toys other dc was playing
with & had a few tantrums when I encouraged her to share/ give toys back. By the end of the playdate I'd run out of energy & feel I need to have a bit more of a consistent approach. I know this is part of how kids learn & she is
still young but I want to get on the right track. Tried to come down to her level & talk to her but quite hard to get her attention sometimes.

I feel the playdate was a bit long & I wish the other parent had taken my hints to cut it shorter - these are friends we see regularly but DDs behaviour was particularly bad/ challenging/ naughty (not sure of the right word to use) today. Feel a bit embarassed & could have done with a bit more support.

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StanleyAccrington · 08/08/2012 20:40

21 mo is a tricky age
(I have one at the moment)
TBH there's not a whole lot you can do other than distract and remove, distract and remove, distract and remove. They are just that little bit too young to be able either to control their initial impulses, or be reasoned with. Hang in there. It's not many more months before they can do so. When they choose to, that is Grin.
Perhaps in the future you need to be upfront about calling it a day if it's not going so well?

lizardqueenie · 08/08/2012 20:46

Ah thanks Stanley did the quick reply- I needed that. Yeah I think I will. Sorry to hear you are going through the same but glad there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I think that is the lesson I have learnt here- dd is in a fairly good routine as is the dc that came over today but in order to fit on with them I put dd down earlier so they could come over & play. However by late afternoon she was getting tired & grumpy. I suggested a quick trip to the park & thought that afterwards they would go home but instead they came back in. Confused Just lead to more carnage really & my house was a tip & the other parent didn't offer to help tidy toys. Hope I'm not being over sensitive but with other parents I think you try to support each other by commenting on how tricky it is/ help with distraction- I know I have before & received such support before. But just felt a bit judged today Sad so wondered if there is something else I could/ should be doing?

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lizardqueenie · 08/08/2012 20:47

Should read "for" the quick reply!

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MrTumblesCrackWhore · 08/08/2012 21:12

I'm sorry to say you just have to sit it out until the phases passes, and, yes, it is important to deal with it, but I'm afraid IME, toddlers, particularly when their speech is developing, it is an inevitable but unfortunate stage for some parents.

My ds1 is nearly 3 and is so much better but from about 20 to 23 months, he was horrendous - hitting, pushing and wailing if another child even so much looked at a toy he wanted (and he wanted EVERY toy). I remember with a shudder the time when I was heavily pregnant with dd and went to a soft play area - I spent the whole time removing him from each bit of the soft play as he hit and pushed his way through pretty much every child in the place until I broke down crying from all the horrid looks and occasional bitchy comments from the other mothers and took him home.

He abated briefly for a couple of months after that but has regressed on and off since then. His aggression is much more under control now as he understands the consequences much better, whereas before it was like trying to push jelly up hill with a fork. I know and understand his flash points, I've limited playdates to kids I know who don't wind him up and prefer to meet friends with kids in the park or somewhere a bit more neutral than a house. I avoid soft play if it is likely to be busy or he is tired. I actively seek out meeting up with people with older kids as he responds so much better to them and plays really nicely (eg. his two older cousins, 7 and 9).

ALthough I have no magic solution to stopping him hitting, some things have worked better than others - for example (and it may sound a bit cruel), I set up a couple of playgroup visits which I knew I could take him home from without leaving my friends disappointed if we left - if he went to hit another child I warned him that if he actually did it again we would go home. He did and we did. I did this on two separate occasions and it really seemed to make a bit of a difference. Now the threat of going home seems to work better than anything else. Whatever your style of dealing with it is, it's important for them to see you carry out whatever consequence you say.

It's was also helpful for me to read a bit about why toddlers respond like this - in a nutshell - when they are growing or reaching a new developmental milestone, this takes priority in the brain and the part of the brain which inhibits impulsive behaviour does not function as effectively. Toddlers and pre-schoolers are notoriously self-centred so with this in combination, it's a pretty heady mix to cope with.

I found the 123 Magic book the best in terms of teaching a talking toddler how to behave.

Good luck, sit tight, and repeat "This will pass"

MrTumblesCrackWhore · 08/08/2012 21:20

PS: You might find it liberating to be assertive with your friends - it took me a while to admit to myself, let alone to others, that play dates weren't good for ds or me, or the other kids. Until kids can learn to play together, not just to parallel play (usually starts around 3), playdates with fighty kids are no fun for anyone, and more stress for you. I'd be tempted to say to your mates "DD isn't very good in X situation and I'm dealing with it, but until she can cope a bit better in X situation, I'd really prefer to meet somewhere more neutral like the part"

When I said this to my NCT friends, many of whose dcs are incidentally going through the hitting/snatching phase now, a few of them admitted they were secretly relieved as play dates in each others' houses were becoming too stressful to be worthwhile.

MrTumblesCrackWhore · 08/08/2012 21:21

park not part!

lizardqueenie · 08/08/2012 21:48

MTCW- what a bloody fabulous name can I say?!

Thanks so much, that's a really helpful post. Interesting you mention it being with certain children- I have noticed that dd can be quite shy at times with other children & allows other kids to take toys off of her sometimes she is bothered & sometimes she isn't. Then other kids seem to be at exactly the same "level" if that's the right word & they get in like a house on fire. Then some kids (like today's) dd is the more assertive one.

I'm flicking through my supernanny book as we speak! Your advice about taking your DS home as well is a good one. WhaIt age did you start doing that with your DS? think it not only acts as a reminder to the Dc but also means you don't have to sit through an afternoon of constantly telling them off.

Sorry you felt like that at soft play- work of the devil those places sometimes- id have been the mum giving you a little smile & asking if you needed a hand. I think you are right about being more assertive with friends- if I lay my cards in the table so to speak then there is no awkward explaining or just wishing people would go home! Also at lest when you are somewhere neutral you feel as though you can leave when you are ready.

Saying that we are off to a soft play place tomorrow with dd's cousins who are both older & take her under their wing so she gets to see some great behaviour then & have fun.

Ps- pushing jelly up a hill with a fork is possibly one of the best metaphors I've ever heard! My personal favourite (usually used for getting dd in somewhere/ off somewhere) is like trying to catch an eel in a jacuzzi! Grin

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MrTumblesCrackWhore · 08/08/2012 22:19

Why thank you Lizard Queenie Grin

Love the eels/jacuzzi thing - not heard that one before! It reminds me of something ds said about farting into the bubble machine - I'm sure there must be an analogy in there somewhere (or at least builds up a more disturbing picture of my family life)

Umm, to answer your question, I think ds was about 2 and a half when he started getting the whole consequences business and when being taken home was a definite unpleasant consequence for him. I've been ramping it up a bit at the mo with the consequences (not for hitting, just verbal defiance mostly these days) Time out is proving significant as well as threats to take away a favourite toy for a certain amount of time (not for too long, as they only live in the immediate anyway so it's as effective to take it away for 15 mins as it is for 5 hours- they remember the consequence either way, and the former doesn't come with the protracted whingeing). The perception of something good being taken away from them in stages also works reasonably well for me - eg. if you don't go up stairs to brush your teeth now, then you will only get one story at bedtime (he usually gets three short ones, or 2 longer ones)

I don't think any of these strategies would have worked as well if he was only 21 months. I'm not sure he was developed enough to process these at his age- but I'm sure there are some children who would respond to them perhaps, I don't know. Ds was a bit slow on the speech front although has made up for it now and never shuts up.

I think at 21 months, damage limitation is the key. Proper behaviour modification strategies come later IME.

lizardqueenie · 09/08/2012 21:27

Well thanks for your advice & the time you have taken to reply- ill keep those strategies in my back pocket for when she is a bit older. Her speech/ understanding seems to be pretty good but sometimes I wonder if I am expecting to much, like today telling her she had to sit in the chair if she wanted I eat her snack- I don't think she was being defiant or not wanting to do it it's just there was loses going on so she almost didn't hear/ tune into it- so there's me repeating it about 10 times before it finally clicked & she sat down. Day at soft play with cousins today was v much a success- had a lovely day- even me- so going to bed tonight feeling a lot more Smile

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