Is it just me?

[MamaBear17]

I am a first time mum and I have struggled, at times, to allow other people to take over with my daughter. When she was a tiny baby I hated passing her around to let other people hold her. When bf failed I still never let anyone else feed her (except her dad). On the few occasions I had to leave her I only wanted to leave her with my mum or my hubby. She is now a year old and I am much better at 'sharing' her. I think in the beginning I found all of the attention, and the fact that everyone seemed to want a piece of her, completely overwhelming. Family members kept telling me what they thought I should be doing (in a nice way) and it made me feel like I just wanted to shut them all out so that I could just be with my baby. Anyway, I have worked really hard to relax and allow other people to enjoy her because I knew I was being hormonal and overprotective and, well, a bit silly. Now that she is a little older I do leave her with the inlaws for a couple of hours and I handle the comments about what I should be doing much better because they do not get to me any more. However, the one thing I just can not do is let anyone else take her swimming. I really do not know why this is. My MIL and SIL wanted to take her together and my immediate reaction was 'no way'. I just know I wouldn't be able to relax knowing she was in water and I wasn't there. I know that it is irrational, but I just cant seem to get my head around it. Does anyone else have any irrational 'mummy rules' that they enforce or is it just me being a complete loon?

I'm the same, I would never let anyone take my 5 month old swimming without me being there. It's the thought of something happening and me not being there. I don't really give her to other people to look after except her dad, I just feel that we know best what she wants and our parents although they love her are a little out of date with modern ways of looking after babies. Don't feel bad about it, I think it's a natural way to feel about your baby, your mothering instincts are to protect your baby not hand him or her over. I know what you mean about people correcting you, it's hard to have confidence as a first time mum but don't be bullied into doing things you're not comfortable with. You are the mum and they have to follow your lead and wait until you're gradually ready to allow others to take over in certain situations. It will get easier as she gets bigger but don't worry lots of us feel this way and sometimes it's impossible to get your own space

I wouldn't like anyone except DH to take DS (17mo) swimming, too many things can happen! As long as you let DD participate in age-appropriate activities she will be fine, don't try to wrap her in cotton wool too much. I hated it when DS learned to sit up, I was afraid he'd plop over. Now he runs around the garden like a mad thing! It does get easier... :)

I know a lot of people will say you're being PFB but a lot of what you say rings true with me. DS is 18 months and I still haven't left him with my parents or inlaws - I don't trust them to be completely honest! He's been left with DH and his aunt and uncle but so far that's it. I would be completely the same about swimming.. I have this weird thing where when I'm not with him I just can't relax - I need to be able to see that he's coming to no harm to believe it if that makes sense.

Lots of people here will tell you 'its swimming, what's the worst that can happen?!' but I could list 101 things, they could crash on the way, he could cry for me, he might slip, they might stop watching him for a few seconds, he might run off or have a tantrum and hit his head, they might drop him etc etc etc. Maybe these fears seem irrational to other people and of course things could happen when he's with me but nobody else has the connection or bond that I have with him, nobody else instinctively protects him like I do (except maybe his dad) - there's plenty that others can do with him while I'm there and they've got the rest of their and his lives to form connections.

I am unashamedly PFB - every time I have ignored my instincts something has gone wrong and DS has suffered. Some people don't have instincts so it's probably not worth saying follow them when it comes to your child. Common sense and regard for others feelings has to come into play as well, but if you feel uncomfortable at present letting your child go swimming (or whatever) with somebody else then don't do it yet. If your wishes are acknowledged and respected you will build trust and may change your mind in the future. I think it's natural to have a mother tiger instinct when your children are small, lots of people will tell you to ignore it but I say listen to it for now, there will come a time when you feel ready to 'let go' a little, I don't think you should be pushed into someone else's time frame of when that should be

I think it's different with different babies too. Dd1 I was okay with leaving for a 4-5 hour period with dm or mil from about 3 months (not as a regular thing though!). Dd2 is nearly 6 months and I haven't left her with anyone else yet.

I have funny other things though - I hate anyone else putting dd1 to bed for example.

By the way thank you for posting, it's been so reassuring to know someone else feels the same and you've expressed it so well x

I dont let people take my babies when they are young. my youngest dc is 5 months and i wouldnt have anyone else look after her (apart from dh). My next oldest is just turned 2 and i would be ok with her going for a day but uncomfortable overnight. The older ones are 3,5 and 7 and they have stayed at MILs etc overnight.

I dont mind people holding the baby,in fact i like people lending a hand! but i just like to be there or at leats nearby. I have been the same from dc1 to dc5 so i dont think its pfb its just how things are and no one has ever mentioned it as odd.

I feel this exact same way about swimming. I am sure it's unreasonable but the thought of even my husband taking my son swimming without me present makes my head swim. so much can go wrong if the adult is distracted for even a few moments.....

I feel so much better now!! My inlaws are lovely but I know that the way I am annoys them. From day one my MIL would say that she wanted to have my dd on her own so that she could 'do what she thinks is best instead of what you want me to do'. It used to really upset me when she said that, although I know what she meant was she found it hard to relax when I was watching. My dd is very loved by her grandparents and I am very lucky, I just never expected to feel quite so much like a lioness if you know what I mean? I think all MILs have the ability to make you think you are doing something wrong even if they are nice. Im quite sure that my mum is probably the same, but because she is my mum it feels different (although I still wouldn't let my mum take her swimming!). Thank you for your replies, just one more question; what does PFB stand for?

Sounds to me like your mil doesn't have any respect for your preferences. Since when is what she wants for your dd more important than what you want?

I'd just do what I thought and felt was best. Otherwise you have to let other people trample over your feelings to save their feelings. Nope, that doesn't work for me.

Don't be pushed into doing anything you don't feel comfortable with. Ever.

PFB = precious first born (child)

Thanks. I am getting much better at not apologising for doing things my own way. My MIL doesn't always agree with my preferences but she does respect them (albeit begrudgingly). She is a lovely person, she just thinks that she knows best. I think its a mum thing and it isnt meant in a bad way.

Watch that with your mil a bit. I would certainly not be handing over my children to someone who said what she said until they were oooo about 18!

How old is your DD? I wouldn't let anyone other than me or my DH take our DS (15m) swimming, and even then I'd prefer it to be both of us. Maybe from about 3 I'd consider letting someone else take him swimming and then probably only my SIL who is currently his nanny so he's very comfortable/trusting with her.

I don't feel like I have PFB syndrome at all, I've been very happy to let people hold DS from the start, feed him, will happily leave him with anyone who offers (within reason obv haha), but swimming.. no.

My dd has just turned one. Im glad many people feel the same about swimming. Hubby doesnt get it but is being supportive, and MIL and SIL have accepted my decision but I did feel like they thought me unreasonable. Its nice to know other people feel the same. I think I probably do have PFB syndrome to be honest, but then again, I think I will be the same if we have another one! I think its just the way I am x

And it's hardly a crime to have PFB anyway.

I know where you are coming for my mil said she would babysit if we wanted to go out for my birthday when my dd was four months old. Err don't think so she can hardly walk up and down the stairs herself let alone carrying dd. she also suggested giving her a bit of food off our plate to chew on at three months old and reckoned she was teething at two months old. Shes now five months and no teeth yet! My mil is a nice person and would do most things for us apart from hold dd while we ate first! But sometimes I just want to tell her to mhob.

Yeah for some reason I hated mil holding ds1. I think it's cos she was too possessive but also just strange hormones going on there. Totally get what you say about being surprised by the whol
Lioness feeling. It's weird isn't it. Not quite as bad with ds2 though

It is PFB, but, hey ho, she is you PFB so you are entitled if a bit of a loon.

I wouldn't let anyone who didn't spend quite a lot of time with my dc take them swimming when they were small. It's not about trust rather that small children have their quirks and if you arent with them a lot you can't predict them enough. And tbh, dd2 who is 13 months, has been out of the house without me precisely once. Too bad if people think its wrong - as long as I don't turn around and get cross about a lack of involvement then whose business is it?

Do you take her swimming yourself? You may feel more relaxed about it if you have taken her until she's relaxed and confident in the water.

I have taken her swimming quite a lot. She has no fear of water at all, she is very active and you really have to watch her because she just jumps right in! I think I will relax as she gets older and less unpredictable!

They've probably suggested swimming because they know it's something she enjoys and is confident with, and so think you'll be happier if they do that with her instead of something she's unfamiliar with. Also, they are not likely to take their eyes off her, so delighted will they be at the opportunity!

You're not being entirely unreasonable, but a little pfb!

If swimmings your thing then that's just the way it is. I think you need to keep in mind that it is important for children to form relationships with other people whether that's with your pil or with the shopkeeper that chats to her in the local corner shop. It's good for your DD to learn to communicate with different people in different ways without always having a parent there to translate her words or actions for her.

Have you thought about doing swimming lessons with her? My eldest has only just started lessons at 4yo but I have friends whose dc were swimming unaided (without armbands) from 2 and a half. It might make you feel a bit happier about it in a year from now if she can swim!