Struggling to decide on whether to go for DC3 or not

[sheeplikessleep]

DH and I are struggling and I know ultimately, it's our decision and no one can tell us, but some days I think it would be lovely and other days I think I'm mad for even considering it.

So, I have always wanted 3 kids, DH has always been 2 or 3.

Love DSs to bits and could really envisage having 3. Sometimes I look at them and think wouldn't it be lovely to have another one (I definitely don't want 4).

BUT, some days are so tiring, DS1 is 4.9 and has become really frustrated and angry with things (although I am trying to have a 'no shouting' household rule, which seems to be helping).

DS2 is 2.4 and an early waker. DH is mostly concerned about the fact we've woken up at 5am for the last 2 years and could we cope with that again.

But I get such envy when I see families with 3 kids. DH is a totally hands on dad, he is amazing and DSs adore him.

Agh, apologies for such a self indulgent rant, but I feel like we need to make a decision one way or the other, as the indecision is really stressing me out! I'm 35, so also feel like we need to get going if we do.

Any thoughts or experiences really appreciated! How did you decide?

Oh, financially, we'll be OK, not rolling in it, but we're comfortable.

Dh would be happy to stick at 2, but I know he would be happy to go for 3 if I really wanted to. He's a bit on the fence and laid back about it all really, as usual!

I would factor in your&DH's age - i.e how old would you be if you waited say 5 more years for dd3 when that child is 18

Watching with interest as we are in exactly the same boat, and have dcs similar age to yours. Its hard to decide isn't it? last month I thought I was pregnant, but wasn't. We were both a bit disappointed, so think that may give us a clue.

But when you're lucky enough to have children already you almost don't want to tempt fate do you.and some days its hard with two! But then I think three would be lovely. Sorry I'm no help am I ?!

And I don't have luxury of time on my side either

Happy - I'm 35, DH is 34. I wouldn't want to leave it too much longer to be honest, sort of feel like we need to do it or not, by the end of the year (not sure where that arbitrary date came from!).

Shelley - it's hard. Going from 1 to 2 seems such an easy decision in contrast!

I think it is true that you never regret the children you do have, only the ones you don't.

I have three, a 4.5 yo DS1, 2.3 yo DS2 and 6 mo DD. I won't lie, the first few months with three were really hard as DD was not a good sleeper but I feel like we are just coming out the other side and really starting to enjoy our little clan.

It is hard work but I just had a scratch I had to itch and am so glad I did it, it just feels lovely having a little team and for the children to have more than one sibling.

Good luck with your decision!

Now Bundle, it's posts like that that just make me want to itch!!!!

I know in my head that for us, 4 seems too much, but 3 just feels like a nice balance.

I met a family recently with 3 gorgeous children and I just came away, green with envy! But then they were so well behaved and cute and funny, is that really the truth? Or is it just noisy chaos in reality?

I never understand anyone ever planning on having more than two children, to be honest! I have two DSs very similar to yours and basically, they use up all of my mothering - I have nothing left to give anyone else! I find them both hard work in different ways and couldn't see how I could be there for any other children. There's about a million other reasons why 2 is good for us and 3 would be hell, financially, economically, emotionally. I think every decision to have a child is a heart one over a head decision (that's why our broodiness has to be so strong!) but I never ache for a third so it's only my reason that I need to listen to. Quit while you're ahead is my motto! But you know that in the end its your decision and noone else on this thread can really sway you either way.

OP, I am almost in the same boat as you - I am 34. DD1 is 4.7 and due to start school two weeks today, eek! (Scottish schools go back at the end of August). DD2 is 2.2 and I am 32 weeks pregnant with a DS.

We had always planned for a DC3 in the future but got a lovely surprise (8 days after moving to a new 'doer-upper' house! ) when we found out DS was on the way.

To be honest, we had moved to a 4-bed house so had the room, but it was more the finance side of things and the 'how will we cope' part of it that scared us. However, at 32 weeks, we are all very excited......!

We also had to change our car to accomodate the third car seat, but we would have been changing to a new car in January 2013 anyway, so that wasn't really a problem.

We are a bit apprehensive about the noise and the mess and the general 'not having enough 'me-time'' but for me, three wee kids running around playing outweighs all of that!

With both of my last pregnancies, I felt, even during pregnancy, that I wasn't done with having babies. With this pregnancy, I most definitely know this will be my last, and whilst I am sad about this and slightly wistful about this being the last baby, I feel that my family is 'complete' in a way that I haven't felt before. (and not just becuase this baby is a boy, I would have been delighted with three DDs!).

So I think I am saying that basically, as someone else said upthread - you might mourn the loss of time/money/sanity etc if you have a DC3 but not regret never having had DC3.........

Not true, have seen other threads with posters that say that of course they love their DC3, but agree life would be easier with two. I am positive that a DC3 would see me plummet into depression (nearly had PND with DS2).

well yes, i am sure my life would be a lot easier if i didnt have ANY children at all and just had myself to worry about. but that didnt stop me yearning for a child (and then another and now another - i think). i cant say that having two has made life any harder. its different and there is more to juggle, yes, but not harder. i know quite a few families with three children - not one has said how terrible it is and they all seem happy (but busy!).

it really is up to the individual to decide whats right for them and their family. and if thats three, then thats great. or one, or two or any number really - each to their own and all that.

anyway have been pondering this post all day and i think i have made my mind up that three is definitely a good number .

Having three is wonderful, fantastic, brilliant. Yes it would be much easier, cheaper and far less tiring with two. We would have more space in the house, in the car and so much more me time but I would never want to be without the miracle that is ds3.

I think if you're thinking about you do really want 3, best of luck X

I have 3, ages 5,4,1. I really like it, I think 2 is a bit boring, you need 3 to add a bit of chaos, I don't like things too predictable :) The first 6 months were hard when they were all at home with me, it soon passed. I spent toddler groups looking from one to the next to the next to check they weren't hitting, being hit or upset, I didn't get much chance to stop. All of them are decent enough sleepers so I coped. Got much easier when DC1 went to school.

It is tricky at times to find things for them to all to do. When DC3 was a baby she just got scooped up and taken to things that interested DC1&2, but that's not so possible now. DC1&2 aren't going to the cinema or bowling this holiday because DC3 will be a pest there, and I won't take all 3 swimming with just me on safety grounds. We need me and DH to manage 3 sets of simultaneous swimming lessons. Sometimes I feel guilty as it is the middle one that has missed out on my attention. DC1 was obviously an only to start with and has the personality to get his own way much of the time now siblings are on the scene. DC3 will have me to herself once DC2 goes to school. DC2 never had me to herself. She wanted to do dancing lessons but I've said no because I won't have the other 2 hanging about and I can't easily fit it round the other's activitites. She isn't as well prepared for school, as DC1 was in terms of me looking at letters with her etc. DC2 does at least get a sister as well as a brother, which I'm sure she will appreciate as she gets older and DC3 is an absolute gem and I adore her so I wouldn't change things :)

Actually something that is tough for me about 3 is a bigger gap for me before returning to work. I like being SAHM but I like going to work too and having some disposable income too.

I think in a way id your DH's call then

Thanks for all of your thoughts.

I'm still so undecided ...

Can I join. My dh is keen for third, but I am undecided. It is daily torment for me as I am knackered with two and need time for myself and my marriage. I worry that would go if we had another.

I mean it is daily torment deciding, not having two kids!

I read lots of these threads to try & help me decide & in the end I had baby number 3 because I thought I would regret not doing so! However.....she has been the whingiest, most demanding baby ever!!! But....knowing that they are not babies forever I have not gone crazy (though some days I thought I might!) She is now 9 mths & her personality is starting to shine through. I must admit that some days I did think 'what have I done!'. That may sound harsh but the reality is that with number 3 you have much less time for 1 & 2 (which often made me feel guilty) & also all the boring stuff increases i.e. washing, ironing, shopping, cooking etc! They also cost you more BUT....despite all that(!)....she is beautiful, cute, starting to be fun now & I love to see them all together & don't regret a thing! I don't have any help with any of them other than my DH who is totally fab :)

Here's another really honest view from someone who has made that decision... And it echoes FeelTheFearButDoItAnyway perfectly:

We have DS1-6.5yo, DD-4.10yo and my gorgeous little DS2-6mo (see? I just went all gooey thinking about him!)

I'm finding 3 all very exhausting - not helped by the fact that we've moved into a half-renovated house. I also feel guilty that the older two aren't getting as much of me as there were - it's school holidays, and I wish I was taking them on day trips to the beach etc, but I'm too tired. I also haven't read to them as much, baked with them, done crafts - all those things that I used to do. And I have a displaced baby - my DD definitely gets jealous at times. Plus DS is a bit of a PIA - bad sleeper, can be a velcro baby. Sometimes I think that I should have stuck with two.

But the thing is, once you've made the decision, it's impossible to regret - and this is what swayed DH and I towards going for DC3.

And you should see DS2! He's gorgeous and funny, my other DCs adore him, that dependent baby-phase is already giving way to a more independent, active member of the family and a big personality. I've just bought a bike-trailer so we can start to be more active again, he's napping consistently so I can read/bake whatever with the other two. Yesterday he slept on my lap in the cinema. I'm really enjoying having a baby again.

I would have regretted it if I hadn't done it. That's the bottom line for me.

Thanks feel and phlossie. That's what I'm worried about - regretting it.

It feels, at 4.9 and 2.5 that things are becoming a bit easier. And that's the difficult bit - am I mad to be going back to the days of trudging everything and the kitchen sink around, or now DS1 is about to go to school, will I be able to cope better? But then I know and appreciate the challenges change as the get older.

I feel like I'm worrying about the immediate - being pregnant / knackered / newborn / baby and inevitably all of the stress and tiredness that brings and how I'll cope. My DSis is pregnant with her third and whilst she is nervous about the hard work the first couple of years, she knows that it's right for her family long term and that it's just two years of hard work for a lifetime of having 3 kids, which is what she and her dp want.

I think it's because we were a family with 3 kids growing up and loved it. Maybe I'm trying to emulate that, I don't know. 3 has always been our 'cut off point' (the thought of four makes me weep!), but it's going through the daily challenges with two has made me question how we will cope. But then it would be lovely, and I do have 3 kid envy when I see other families with three kids!

Thanks for posting. It's given me lots to think about (albeit more than I am thinking about it!).

Good to hear you are in a similar situation phlossie & I would also add to the case that my DS is 6.8 & my DD1 4.9 so they are quite helpful. My DD1 will start school in Sept so I feel like DD2 will then get some quality time then. I think if you decide to have number 3 you will not regret it (though you may have some moments of wonder!) but if you decide not to have number 3 you may regret it and always wonder? Baby days are hard for me although I also don't know what is to come...! Long term I do think we made the right decision for us but again it may become a nightmare when they are all teenagers! There will be good days, bad days, but overall I love the family thing & am now happy that I have had number 3 :) The thought of 4 also makes us want to weep (!) so we know we are complete!

Yup to your sister - I decided that the immediate hard work would be worth it long term and that makes me feel pretty ok with sleepless nights etc. I'm also one of 3 happy siblings! Also, having two older ones is wonderful. I'll have them both at school in September.

Funny that our 3 are SO similar in age, Feelthefear! Feb '06, Oct '07, Feb '12.

I sometimes wonder about 4, but not enough to make it happen, and DH took some persuading to have a 3rd. He's an only child!