Love Motherhood but loss of identity...anyone else?

[Littleraysofsunshine]

I find it very hard to stay in tune with me since becoming a Mummy (dd1 born oct 2010) and (dd2 born May 2012) I feel like i've lost my own identity, and that I feel only like a mother. i'm 23yrs old, and just dont feel like im my own person anymore. I adore motherhood, and my girls are my life. I have an amazing partner (who is away until oct this year)...

I just dont have the time to put myself in any priority. the simple things like doing my hair nice, eating nice foods, seeing friends outside of playgroups and without the girls, feeling sexy, feeling confident in clothes, I feel like ive completely lost my style-mojo and also feeling like a woman & embracing it when I see DP on the few occasions........

Hope this doesnt sound shallow. I know things do change when becoming a parent, my girls will always come first, but i just want to be able to put myself in some kind of rank and care more about keeping MY own self alive. along with being a mummy.

I just wanted to add that I feel like this at the moment.

I feel like I have aged since ds my second dc. i am mum. there is no 'pavlov' left. i have grown so old, i feel old, i look old, my clothes are old, i have no time to go shopping, and when i might grab an hour i dont know what any more i like so rarely by anything. I am tired, and it sometimes feels like a treadmill. I have found parenthood utterly consuming since having two children, in a way I did not with one child.

Like you, I absolutely adore my children and love them more than anything. I enjoy being with them, i love being with them in fact, and my most valued memories are and will be time spent with them. It is not that I don't like, or feel sad about. it is the lack of me. I sometimes feel often these days, after being up at 5am, bed at 9pm with zero hours to me, that I have been slowly slowly eroded.

I wish i had an answer. i am afraid i have no found it, but just wanted you to know you are not shallow and not alone.

Thanks.

It's difficult isnt it. a few of my friends who are mothers seem like the havethe right balance. have nights out sometimes, dress like 20 something year olds, have confidence etc. I dont feel a bit lost!

are their partners' away like yours is? how many children do they have? you are on your own most of the time with two very young children very close in age. it is going to wear you out! do you have any family or friends who can help out?

Most of my friends now have children of their own so have little time to look after mine of an evening too! DH does not work away most of the time (he is at the moment but only for a couple of weeks) but he does work unsocial hours including evenings and most weekend evenings. Most people who are prepared to babysit seem less willing with two children, one of whom is a bad sleeper and cries for mummy at bed time! (because I don't go out - vicious circle!), it seemed easier to ask for/get help with one child. I don't even want to go out every week, once a month would be nice, and I would be in by 11pm latest, as my bedtime is around now these days so that would be late for me !

LittleRay, parenting two kids under two is hard work. And FWIW I feel the same way. I look in my wardrobe and go, ugh, because I've either outgrown everything in there or it's ancient. I am too tired to feel like me.

I think just recognising the fact that you are finding it hard is a step in the right direction. You are allowed to acknowledge that it's hard. Not many people do it alone, like you are. You don't have to be perfect.

I'm not sure if you've got the disposable income, but one thing that really makes me feel happy is to have someone come in and do a top-to-toe springclean of the house from time to time. It really helps me feel more sorted. The other thing that you could consider is getting someone in to help you clear out your wardrobe and take you shopping for new gear, Trinny and Susannah style. My cousin had someone come in to her house to do this after she had her 2nd kid and said it was one of the best $1000 she ever spent. Made her feel fresh again.

Food for thought. Sending you my sympathies across the miles.

Also, FWIW, the difference between 9 weeks and 16 weeks is VAST in terms of how demanding the baby is. By 16 weeks the night feeds will have all but disappeared (hopefully) and you'll be getting more fun moments from the baby. So hang in there, lady!

Of course you come first. Being a mum should never mean you lose your identity... especially when you're the mum of girls. They need to see that you are an individual so that they respect you as a person beyond 'mum'. This is what partners are there for. To keep that link with you the woman/sex-goddess/style guru/tycoon & to make you feel respected, cherished and loved in your own right. If you need to get your hair done or go out for the evening, this is when your partner should take over and give you that freedom. Failing that ask relatives to give you a break or book a babysitter. Why do you only see DP occasionally?

It's completely understandable OP - you've been dealing with very small children for the past 20 months! My DS is a couple of months younger than your DD1 and I feel that going back to work in January was key for me in getting my identity back. I still struggle with it a bit so can imagine how you must feel. Do you have any help with the DCs while your DP is away? If you have the opportunity just to have a 1/2 day to yourself every week it can make a huge difference.