My toddler is sucking the life out of me. Feeling very down

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Ds, 2 years old. Defeats me most days. I just do not know where I am going wrong. I am full of love and affection for him, comes naturally, I don't think about it. I try to strike a balance between being a strict, consistent and loving parent. But it gets me no where. I am the mother you pass in the park whose child is having a screaming fit because he refuses to let go of another child's toy. And then you may pass me an hour later as you leave the park and yes, once again, my child is thrashing around on the floor, screaming blue murder because I spent five minutes telling him it was time to leave for supper and all the tasty things I was preparing, but all I get in response is screams and thrashes.

Out with coffee with friends with toddlers of similar ages. Yes, they occasionally have fizzes. My son? Every single frickin time he wails, squeals, shouts and is usually aggressive a couple of times. My friend said I had the patience of a saint. Little does she know that inside I am often boiling, and I do mean boiling, with anger and resentment.

I was desperate to be a mother, and know I wonder whether it was something that wasn't right for me.m I am 10 weeks pregnant, and scared senseless that I will have to deal with all this x2.

Dh supportive, kind of, but works away a lot.

Not sure what I am asking. Just feeling very down and totally incompetent. Why do I see so many mothers out with toddlers and occasionally one does see tizzes and tantrums, but not that often. For me and my ds, it is every bloody time we go out. I feel a shell of the person I was.

I do occasionally bribe, but when I say negotiation it is more like

*we have to leave now, the shop is closing, everyone wants to go home, they will all be upset with you if we stay, that lady needs to get back to her baby.

you have to give the toy to x, it is not yours. Look how sad he looks. You have played with it for so long, it is his turn but mama will look out for it and get it for you if she sees it later

No more biscuits, oh you will get terribly sore teeth. It will hurt and hurt and hurt and you might get sore tummy because your tummy will be ready to pop with all the biscuits on there. But if we wait until after dinner, there may be space in there for another one.*

So you see my approach involved looooottts of talking. It does often work. Problem is that when it doesn't (which is also fairly regular tbh), my back-up of laying down the law more firmly falls on totally flat ears. So I am reduced to hauling him and shouting. It is ghastly. As you all generally suggest, I need to quit the talking and start being much more firm. Because you know what? I am being unfair. All mother earth at one point, talking and negotiating etc. and then blowing up like a really shouty and, tbh, rough, mum when he doesn't respond.

Having just reread my last paragraph, it would seem that I am also behaving like a toddler. Sadly, I am not joking when I write that.

We're finding it's a really tricky balance between being consistent, picking battles, allowing some extent of freedom to learn to make decisions, but clearly setting boundaries... sigh Currently 38+3 weeks pregnant with a 24mo DS and finding it exhausting!! Really testing patience.

Some things we have noticed recently as we have tried to figure him out: Could you be trying to do too much? Tiredness has been forcing me to stay home more, and even though I am dying to get out at times, find that quality time playing with my 2yo has been very beneficial. Learning about how he plays and reacts, what his quirks are (random things, like drinking with a spoon, not my choice, but we go with it, not worth a battle!) Also means you are not always forced into being places on time or in a hurry which does cause stress for us. Getting him into car seat: We allow him to pick a toy or two to play with in the car which helps distract him while we buckle him in. Same goes for being the pushchair and shopping trolley - take a few toys, snacks. Sitting in the trolley seat though in non-negotiable. When we say no to something we really have to stick to it and be consistent, don't give in. We try to give him some choices, like what shoes to wear, what fruit to eat, etc.

Anyway, all a work in progress for us and tough going... don't blame yourself, all normal, you're not alone!!

Don't beat yourself up, it sounds like you are just trying to give him reasons why he has to do things. I would focus on making those explanations very short and clear, ie nice to share/we don't hit/we don't eat too many treats etc.

But there's no getting round the fact that you have to lay down the law if that doesn't work. 1,2,3 and consequences works well for me, but as another poster said there are different strategies for different situations, and that's down to parental instinct to judge. And I'm not saying that anyone always gets it right either!

well I didn't ever do negotiation (because it didn't work on him) and I can't say my strategy was successful in stopping the behavior. TBH I just managed it as best I could, by distraction if at all possible and removal if necessary and it eventually stopped happening.

I would not be in a rush to blame yourself.

So touched by the responses. Cheesy but true. I have laid myself bare, admitting that I try the softly softly approach and then go in all guns blazing, involving shouting and abruptly handiling, and despite this no one has said anything negative. Thank you.

I feel a lot brighter than when I did earlier on. My boy was playing around me and I was gazing out the window feeling quite blue about the prospect of doing it all again tomorrow, and just feeling like a crap mum.

What I have got from this thread is that I need to find a middle ground between negotiation and shouty mum. I think that involves cutting down on the negotiation and being more firmer on the outset. I will begin trying this approach tomorrow. Humphrey Cobbler, very interested in your post.... what did you do if you never did negotiation? And when did it stop happening?

Give clear choices and keep it simple.

So "we're going home (toddlers don't understand 5 mins etc)" - say it a few times so it sinks in. After a few minutes guide him out by distraction - eg who can be the winner to the gate etc? Then have games/incentives to get home. With DS he has a car so drives that along the fences. Or we have a scooter/ball and get him to kick the ball or scoot in the direction home.

Give choices not on the outcome you want, just on how you want to get there. So "do you want to go that way or this way?" keep the choice related to something immediate. Going home is too far away iyswim - make it about going down the road or something.

When it comes to toys, we do turns. So I say it's his turn, you play with this. If he says no, distract. Use a fake high pitched voice "oooo DS look at this". Feel an idiot but it works usually

My oldest had amazing tantrums too - it was just awful! But I remembered watching Child of our Time a programme which a group of children born in 2000 have been followed. Prof Winston talked about 2 year olds: they have no control over their emotions at that age, if you miss distraction at the first sign of a tantrum there is absolutely nothing you can do and just have to leave them to it and wait it out. It is so hard and really feel for you. It does pass - hold on to that thought. Mind you, my youngest, now 6, is a very stubborn so and so. She can drive me insane. Sticker charts work well with her or a very tight hug. I just start counting with the oldest and that works for some unfathomable reason!

It is really hard work being a parent to a toddler. I am so much better with DS2, i think i overeacted with DS1 and oten feltt he was out to just wond me up, i still check for horns when he asleep. I read how to talk so kids will listen and how to listen when kids talk, and Playful Parenting and it changed my view completely. I now know that there is no point in reasoning with a toddler and so i don't even try, i try to say yes as often as i can, avoid triggers and lots of the great suggestions above. Each day is a new day for a toddler, experimenting and being a little scientist, it must be great to experience new things each day.
I also found that i felt more relaxed when i was in the company of other mum who weren't putting their kids on the naughty step or shouting 'no' and 'don't'. Kids are kids and they will play and fight. I apologise and say please and thanks on behalf of my son, he doesn't understand and hopefully he'll model my behaviour. Good luck with the pregnancy and becoming a mother of 2 :o)

Do you think he is getting enough exercise? My DS has always been like this unless I get him outside running around in some way for about 3 hours a day and then feed him and then he is good as gold!

Could you walk him to a playground for and then sit on a bench and let him tire himself out? You are likely to need to take snacks with you to be able to get him home again!

Once he is a bit tired, he may nap or will be very willing to sit and do colouring for ages as long as I pretty much sit with him.

sorry that is so interesting. I have the 'science of parenting' book which describes things similarly. I think it really helps when you are told they simply can't help it. My issue with DS at the mo is that he cannot keep still, anywhere, at all, but the book explains how this is part of motor development and they can't help it. If i hadn't read this I would be at the end of my tether telling him to 'just sit STILL and eat your tea!' as it is I let him eat what he can in any moment and leave it for him to come back to...

psychology and development is fascinating info and soooo helpful.

andie you are so right about being around non-stressy or judgey parents. let kids be kids within reason! :)

My ds was very non verbal at this age (until after he was three really), and wasn't up for listening. Saying "It will be your turn in a minute" made no difference, nor did bribery. Preparation in advance made no difference. It was rather challenging. For about six months I did not have other children round to the house as he was simply unable to share his toys in any way. In non challenging (for him) situations he was lovely though!

I suppose, thinking about it, by the time he turned three it really started to tail off. But I remember when he started pre-school at two and a half I couldn't stop to talk to anyone on the was home for he would pull on me and scream without ceasing until I just came. I used to find it deeply embarrassing.

My next child was nothing like this. And as I said before, DS is now the most polite and charming five year old.

you haven't got a flaming because most don't read the whole thread

seriously, we all feel irritated by constant haranguing.

i find it also helps to think of different ways of coping. like pretend someone you respect is standing behind you watching. (that gives me heebeejeebees but keeps me in check when i think i'm going to lose it.) or try out different techniques as an experiment and see his reaction.

it is so so tough but you are definitely not alone.

You are a good mum, try not to worry to much, toddlers are sometimes challenging!!! I would try ignoring his tantrums completely, no word, no look, just ignore! When he stops praise him ( he will highly possibly start faking a tantrum again) ignore that one as well. When he stops wait longer this time and praise him and tell him how happy you are that he stops doing .... ( he might pretend not listening) don't keep that positive talk too long either just 2 - sentences. Praise him when he behaves well at other times ( he is looking for attention and its better to give it to him when he is good) You have to be calm all the time! ( I know it's hard) about leaving park you can give notice like. Ok we will leave in 5 minutes... Last 2 minutes. So he can prepare himself. And don't say anything that you couldn't follow through you need to be coherent. And don't worry , it's normal at this age! When they are tired or hungry they act out quite badly but it's part of their education. He will be fine when he starts school. (not the first month tho) l am not a mum but a teacher working with same age group overseas, l am also a pedagogist. So these are what we do at school. Hope helps,

I have 3 year old now and he started being a nightmare about two, I found "taming toddlers" by Dr Green very helpful. Essentially how I cope is:
Pick your battles! Don't go into any fight you are sure to lose. If he doesn't wear his shoes, he goes out bare feet, if he doesn't eat, fine. We had a huge issue over clothes for a while, I let him wear whatever he wanted so he wore pj s to nursery for a month. Then slowly added other items to the list. I find confrontation doesn't work but distraction works wonders. If i sense a tantrum is coming I go :woww have you seen the cat/ dog/ red car/ elephant on the pavement/ anything. I say no as little as possible only when I mean it and it kind a works as if I say no it means no. i agree negotiating in detail can empower toddlers so I leave that to choosing what he wears/ which cereal he wants/ what he wants to watch and how much etc.
I read it now and sound like I am doing a great job but no, there are days that I feel desperate to shout and get into a tantrum myself. Have a look at "taming toddkers" you may find something useful too. And most impartantly, it will get better as she grows, it's a phase! Then teenage years start of course birrrrrrrr

DS, now 4 1/2 was exactly how you described your DS starting from 18 months old. He was "high needs" and very spirited. I also had to learn to ignore his tantrums until he'd calmed down a little then try to distract him and remember to give praise when his behaviour was good. Now, he's a lovely boy, very bright and sociable who generally is well-behaved but during those hard times, I would never have imagined his behaviour could improve or that I could be happy again.

I now have a fussy new baby and it's getting me down but I keep reminding myself it is just a phase and things will get better just as it did with DS.

Don't be hard on yourself. Some of us just have more challenging children than others but it won't always be like rhis.

Ah and I am grateful to any stranger on the road or supermarket that gives a distraction, toddlers live in a limited world and ignore strangers normally so if anybody else creates distraction he stops and tries to figure out what's going on.

No wonder you're exhausted, it sounds so very tiring. Not what you want to hear, but I've been very lucky so far with DD as she's never been particularly tantrummy is that even a word , just has the occasional hissy-fit. Sorry, I know they're all different and quite frankly as I haven't been where you are I doubt I have anything to say that you will find useful.

However saying that, I always assumed that it was down to her personality but got a surprise when she stayed with PILs for a weekend and after we collected her had suddenly turned into a tantrumming nightmare. Turns out PILs just gave into her every time she wanted or didn't want something, and spent the entire weekend helicoptering her (bless them, they love her to bits, she's their only grandchild and of course they want to spoil her a little). The complete antithesis of our parenting style. It took a week of calmly standing by and watching her tantrum while saying 'you know that doesn't work with mummy/daddy' until she realised that it really wasn't going to work.

She's back to her normal sunny self now. Stubborn as hell, as I think all toddlers are, but giving a limited amount of choices seems to still be working for us. We've never tried negotiation as we think she's too young for that at the moment and I admire you for having the patience to do it, but I think if it's not working then it's probably time to try another tactic.

I"ve also got a thread at the moment about 2yos, and I do sympathise. My DS is headstrong and strong willed with a firey temper (not from me...oh no...)

I really try to stick to the following, which has some success with keeping the pointless tantrums to a minimum (although of course we still have some).

1. Giving advance notice. So, I say "I need to change your nappy, I'll do that when you're finished playing with that car". When he has finished I say "I need to change your nappy. I'm going to go and get the things, and then we'll put a clean one one". (go get stuff) "Now, would you like your nappy changed here or here (or holding that car or that car). It does seem a palaver, but he seems to hate having stuff sprung on him, and this helps.

This also works with getting him dressed etc. You need to leave time to do things but I haven't had to wrestle him into clothes for a while.

1. "Last one" - similar to above, he hates stopping things that he's enjoying - so I have introduced "last one" and then stick to it - I'm astounded at how he has taken it on board.

1. Giving words to his feelings. So, DS's big issue is frustration - he gets so irritated if he can't do something, and so I say "It's really frustrating when the tower keeps falling down" or "It's annoying when the pasta falls off the fork isn't it?". He hates me "helping" anyway, but this strategy does seem to take some of the anger wind out of his sails.

1. Loads of positive praise. I know there was a thread on here a while ago finding this annoying, but sorry, it totally works - I tell DS when he's sitting nicely, playing nicely, has been helpful in the shops. I also tell my DH when he gets home (in front of DS) what DS did that was helpful or impressive or kind.

It's all quite exhausting and I feel that I have to be "on" the whole time, but I really do find that if I stick to these things (with a few extras like making sure he gets enough food and sleep), it does seem to help a bit. Not always! But often.

I have a very very strong willed 21 month old who constantly throws tantrums and yes it gets me down and I get to escape it a lot because I work full time. So hats off to you if you are dealing with this full time. I spend my life telling hi, "don't touch that" "put that down" etc etc etc. And he throws wobblies all the time. Including in public. He is a lovely natured boy - happy as Larry but just not relaxed. Both my DH and I are firm with him but he likes to test boundaries. I console myself by thinking it just shows personality and drive . I was exactly the same as a child and I am now very driven, ambititous and motivated! So he obviously just has my personality. Not saying that is a good or bad thing but it just shows every child is different. My sister was much more relaxed and quiet as a child and is now much quieter and more easy going than me. So just different. They will grow out of it and they will be little livewires when they are older. (see how I justify it to make myself feel better!!)

OP, we've all been through it and there are lots of good suggestions on here. I liked Tanya Bryons book, it was something like, your child, your way and is a useful insight into how childrens minds develop, this is a normal stage.

Work out what works for you and your child and stick with it, look at what triggers it, can it be avoided, dirverted and if not how to deal with it. Just pick your battles, look at what is really important to you e.g. eating well or manners, focus on that and then move onto the next thing. One thing at a time.

For me there are times when I feel like a really crap mother, I snap, shout, am irrational and I know I do things that exacerbate the situation. Its not often but I feel so upset afterwards as though I've let everyone down. I aim to do better and when I'm being objective so long as I keep that bit down to the minimum I think thats OK. Don't be hard on yourself, you're doing well, it can be a really challenging time and your expecting another.

I kept repeating "It's just a phase, it's just a phase" everytime DS1 played up. All other mothers face this at some point.

Elizabeth Pantley "The no cry discipline solution" is an amazing book. She would say that you are talking too much and that toddlers of this age switch off if they think you are lecturing. For example On the snack front Pantley would recommend you keep it firm, short and to the point: "no more biscuits it's dinner time soon" and then distract "oh did you see that cat run into the bush" or something similar! If you can borrow the book from the library it really is worth a read, it's a gentle approach to disciplining but so many of her techniques actually work!

One thing that I have found sometimes works with my 2 1/2 year old dd is that of she asks for another biscuit and she knows she is pushing her luck I say in mock/ horrified/ teasing voice "another biscuit? But you've already had two! Are you teasing mummy?" and then I tickle her tummy and she is in fits of giggles. Like I say doesn't always work, but works often enough to make it worth giving it a try to diffuse the situation.