16 mo DS hitting me - at end of tether!

[Tizzylizzy]

Please help!

This sounds rather silly but 16mo DS is hitting and scratching my face. As well as physical scratches and scars it's really upsetting me. I know his sounds daft but it's only me he hits. I've had massive anxiety issues since he was born centering round if I love him as much as I'm 'supposed to' and if he loves me. I know I do as if anything happened to him I'd actually die, but I think I've just found this new, ever evolving relationship hard to deal with.

So...I've tried ignoring it. Didn't work. I've tried shouting at him - quite loudly. Didn't work. Saying 'no' we are gentle in this house, showing him how to stroke etc, didn't work. And I've also tried making light of it and trying to make him giggle with a little play fight. Didn't work. I'm at a loss now. And also very hurt.

Any advice much appreciated.

When does he do it? What triggers it?

Presumably he's on your lap/in your arms or you're on the floor when he does this? I'd treat as I do toddler biting which is plonking him on his bottom and turning your back on him. Each time. 30 seconds of no attention and then carry on a normal.

Hi Iggly. If I try and go near him and he's with his dad, gps, anyone else really. If I pick him up and he doesn't want to be picked up (to change nappy etc). It's VERY regular. Come to think of it it's most of the time I have contact with him, and then I have to 'bring him round' by playing with him etc. It's getting me down :(

Get OH & the GPs to do it too

Poor thing. My DS did the same. Only hit me. He's (hopefully) got over it now. Although it's taken a lot of patience and many bruises!

After hitting me, I would tell him, in a calm voice (even though not calm at all!) that we do not hit, then I would put him next to a wall and leave him there. Told him he was to stay there until he came and said sorry (he doesn't talk yet but he has learnt to give a hug when he's sorry). It took lots of patience with putting him back in the spot I'd put him in. Removed all distractions and if TV was on, I'd turn it off.

I'd ask him if he was going to come and say sorry, naughty little monster soul would often shake his head but I persevered and he eventually apologised. I ignored him until he did and told him I didn't want to play with him because he'd hurt mummy.

He seems to have got over it now thankfully - fingers crossed I've not jinxed myself!

Good luck.

Thanks Olympic - shall give that a try. Do you say anything at all? Or just put them on the floor and ignore?

DS2 did this too at a similar age. With consistent 'no's and ignoring for a while, encouraging positive behaviour, he did grow out of it.

Be consistent. He is now working out that he can do things and he is testing what he can and can't get 'away with'. He is doing it to you because you are the closest person to him and he is secure in that relationship.

Reward and encourage positive. Nos and ignore the negatives. But it always takes more time than it feels like it should.

Thanks Crispy. He knows it's wrong (I think) as when I tell him off he does the bottom lip thing and runs off to DH. But now I'm worried it's precisely because I shout at him he likes me even less - and that the reason he's crying is because he's scared of me.

Do you tell him beforehand that you're going to pick him up? Can you et him to walk to you eg "come on DS, this way etc?"

No I don't Iggly. I can give that a try too. Maybe I'm just too 'in his space'?

Sorry, I've thought about this some more. You sound like you lack confidence in parenting your son and worry that he doesn't like you :( this will impact on how you treat him and become a vicious circle so you need to break it.

Can you speak to someone? A HV? Also have a read of a couple of positive parenting books - I found Dr Karp's book, The Happiest Toddler, to be really useful. I've had low level anxiety myself and almost think that DS doesn't like me - but at this age I really threw myself into positive parenting which changed my relationship with DS and I found him a joy despite him being a handful. It doesn't mean you can't say "no", but it helps you find ways of avoiding conflict meaning less tantrums etc etc.

They understand so much at that age. Try and "take him with you", ie talk to him a lot (even if he doesn't talk, he'll understand), give him warning. If he hits you, hold his hands down and say "I know you want x, but I must change your nappy". Pick your battles - if you need to physically move them then do it but otherwise leave him be.

Nursery use the phrase 'kind hands' and if ds looks like he's going to approach something with too much vigour that's the phrase we use too.

If he does hit though I don't speak but plonk him down and turn my back. It's a non-verbal signal that withdraws attention for bad behaviour, so no Tizzylizzy I don't say anything. You can almost hear their "Hey! That's not what I expected" and ds almost immediately comes to sit in my lap for a cuddle and we continue doing what we were. It's the only bad behaviour I do this for - I'm more a talk to/distract parent, but if they are going 'whack' 'whack' 'whack' it can be hard to have that conversation! Afair, it worked pretty quickly with my two older ones and they do a version of it too with dc3.

I worry all the time he doesn't like me which is so silly and irrational but this hitting thing is just compounding it all. I'm going to use all of your suggestions but stick with it. No one told me being a mum would be do hard!

• so

Ach, no, you are his world