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Parenting

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Original poster

Unexpected pregnancy and completed divided over what to do

17 replies

lmg2011 · 02/08/2012 17:12

I am in complete turmoil. A week a go I discovered that I am (unexpectedly) pregnant (i was on the pill). I am happily married and we already have dd who is almost 18 months old. We live in a small ish 2bed house which is comfortable for the three of us at the moment.

Although this was a shock for us both I have come to terms with it and although it will be hard I think we can make it work and I think it could be great. DH on the other hand is really against it and says he is not ready for another child. He says he doesnt want to keep it and while he has has given it a lot of thought and we have talked a lot he remains convinced that we aren't ready and its not the right time, how will we cope etc.

I completely understand why he is saying this. After all, before I got pregnant I didn't know if or when I would want another child and was so happy with what we had with DD.

I am pro choice and have no problem with abortion generally. I am only 4 weeks gone and have actally made an appointment at the bpas clinic for a consultation which is the first stage of the process. But in my heart I know I have only done this because we were just going round in circles and I didnt know what else to do. The appointment for for a weeks time and I think I kind of hoped dh might have a change of heart and at least it meant we didnt have to keep having the same conversation not getting anywhere.

He won't budge. I know that ultimately it's in my control but I am worried about what it will do to us if I go ahead and make my own decision to keep this baby. But on the other hand I know in my heart that I cannot go through with this. I don't know if I could live myself or him afterwards. Knowing I let him talk me into it and hating myself for going through with it.

I really dont know what to expect poting on here as there is no solution. I feel like I am in a no win situation..

OP posts:

rrreow · 02/08/2012 17:42

What an impossible situation to find yourself in. I really feel for you and this dilemma. I am totally pro-choice as well, but if I found myself in your situation I don't think I could go through with it (especially not if I felt it wasn't ME making the decision). I think deciding to have an abortion is a huge thing that has an emotional impact regardless of the situation.

I think if I found myself in your situation I'd book a session with a couple's counsellor. Just to have an opportunity in a safe space for both to talk through their feelings (without a specific outcome agenda in mind).

Snowboarder · 02/08/2012 18:15

I am totally pro-choice, and I don't think a bunch of people on an Internet forum can help you make this decision (in the nicest possible way).

You need to talk, talk, talk this through with your DP and decide also what YOU want to do.

thunderthighsarego · 02/08/2012 20:15

It's a hard decision and I agree that counselling is essential. You should be able to get some at the bpas clinic - I was in a similar position a few months back and found them really helpful. I was on the pill as well and I found it really useful to think about why I had been using it in the first place - there were many reasons why having a child was unsuitable for me and DH at the time and none of those reasons had changed or would miraculously disappear just because the contraception had failed.

It may be that your DH would come around in time if you continued with the pg, but similarly it could also affect your relationship and you might have to think about raising two dc alone.

cashmere · 02/08/2012 22:23

Although not planned you would have a popular age gap. I can imagine it would be very hard to end this pregnancy if in a years time you actually find yourself ready to conceive again.

What specific reasons does your DH have for it not being the right time?

I think the fact that you have stated it could be great is important to remember.

Original poster

lmg2011 · 03/08/2012 09:22

Thanks so much for the replies. Dh is adamant that this is not the right time. His reasons are: how woud we cope with two close in age, we have a two bedrooms and it means they would have to share a (quite small) room and they would wake each other up. He is simply not ready, he "doesnt want this"... he would rather wait a couple of years and then have another one.

I completely appreciate his point of view. I agree with everything he says after all they were pretty much my views too until this happened. And I am not against the idea of getting a termination in principle. But in my heart I don't think I can go through with it. Not now there is a life growing inside me. I fear I would regret it enormously and resent him for persauding me that it was the right thing to do.

thunderthighsarego you hit the nail on the head. What did you do in the end? Did you both have councelling after whichever decision you came to?

OP posts:

juneau · 03/08/2012 09:34

This is not a pro-choice issue. Pro-choice means A WOMAN'S RIGHT TO CHOOSE, not a man's right to coerce her into abortion.

OP I'm sorry you're in this horrible position. I would definitely go for counselling, but I'd feel the same way you do.

And just for the record, just over two years isn't a particularly small gap - many parents choose this gap and love it - and two kids in a 2-bed house is fine. Our second bedroom isn't that big either and we're just moving our two in together and I think it will work well once DS2 gets used to it. DS1 can't wait to have little brother in with him.

CogitoErgOlympics · 03/08/2012 10:37

It's rarely the 'right time' for a baby. I'm not particularly pro-abortion, I'll admit, except where circumstances are going to be very dire for mum or baby or both. A shared room and lack of sleep seem pretty feeble reasons for an abortion to me.

quietlysuggests · 03/08/2012 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pooka · 03/08/2012 10:50

But it's not an especially small age gap!

Original poster

lmg2011 · 03/08/2012 12:46

I completely agree with everyone: if we have this baby we will cope, they will be fine to share a room, age gap isn't too small at all.. and yes he will have time to get used to it (I hope!) But the fact still remains that this is not what he wants which is completely fair enough. After all neither of us wanted this before I got pregnant and even though a man isn't entitled to make this decision ultimately he is still entitled to a say/an opinion. It's his life too and I feel guilty taking the decision away from him and worried about what it will do to our relationship.

Anyway thanks for the advice. It's a shame there is no compromise or middle ground. But life is like that sometimes..

OP posts:

CogitoErgOlympics · 03/08/2012 13:26

'This is not what he wants'

None of us live lives so charmed that everything that happens is 'what we want'. Life is a serious of ups and downs, risks and rewards. Some of the things that happen in life can be changed but others - like a new baby - can't. The mature, responsible approach is to accept when something is inevitable, stop bleating and adjust accordingly. If you feel guilty for 'taking the decision away' you leave yourself open to exploitation. So stand up for yourself and your new baby and don't be tempted to make allowances. He'll just have to run hard to catch up.

StealthPolarBear · 03/08/2012 13:32

"I know in my heart that I cannot go through with this"
I am pro choice but this is the only sentence that matters, as far as I am concerned. I am struggling to understand why this is so make or break for your DH. I think you need to tell him you will not be aborting this baby and with that in mind you are willing to discuss possible solutions to the problems you may have.

Original poster

lmg2011 · 03/08/2012 14:36

Thank you the last two posters. Sometimes you need someone to tell you what you already know...

OP posts:

4kidsplusbump · 03/08/2012 16:55

Hi IMG

I'm currently 26 weeks with unplanned pregnancy no.5. We had decided that 4 was definately enough, and found out I was pregnant a few weeks before DH was booked in for the snip!

DH had a few grumblings about the pregnancy, really didn't want another one blah blah, but in the end even though we thought about it I knew I could never have just get rid of it. I have to admit that I am having an awful pregnancy, but I never for one minute have regretted my decision to go ahead with it. I would actually be quite gutted if things went wrong now.....it's amazing how quickly you get used to the idea! DH has now accepted we are having another baby, and things will be harder for us - but I know we will just adapt and get through it, even though things were not exactly as planned!

Good luck with whatever you decide, but I don't think you can be forced into a decision you don't want to make here....life doesn't always go to plan!

brettgirl2 · 03/08/2012 19:01

I dont think it will be good for your relationship if you feel forced into an abortion either. I am totally pro choice but I think you have made yours already.

poppyboo · 03/08/2012 19:20

You've given us you answer: in you heart you can't do it.
If you don't continue the pregnancy you will regret it forever. Your partner will need to come to terms with it.

fhdl34 · 04/08/2012 15:33

I had a friend in a similar situation to you, she was gutted when she found she was pregnant with no 4 and her DH didn't want the baby either. The night before the termination she told him she didn't want to, he thought she meant stay overnight and said she had to, she meant the abortion. She really regretted doing it and resented her DH. In the end, they had another child. I think she thought it'd make her feel better but it didn't. If you know in your heart you can't do it, don't. I too am pro-choice and you know really what choice you want to make. When the baby is here, he'll love him/her just the same but he might be a miserable sod throughout the pregnancy.

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