Having a second baby - just do it or wait until the "right time"? Anyone have regrets?

[emmyloo2]

I think I am overthinking the idea of having a second baby. I have a 21 month old and my husband and I have talked about having a second baby at some stage. He is very very keen - adores children and is a brilliant father to our DS. He lives and breathes for him. I adore my son (obviously) but I found the first 18 months tough. I am not really a "baby" person and I am a control freak so the whole newborn baby thing really was challenging for me. The main bit I struggled with was the lack of control, the 24/7 nature of it and the anxiety about it all. "Am I doing it right?", "what routine should i follow". "why isn't he sleeping enough" etc etc. I also think I am quite selfish in that I like to have a little bit of time each day to exercise and I get quite shitty if I don't get it. I am very aware this is quite selfish but I work FT as well and this is really the only time I get between work and my DS.

Anyhoo, I digress. I think I would be better off with a longer break so that my DS is more independent and is in day care by the time the baby arrives. At the moment he is looked after my my DM and DMIL and a nanny which is a great arrangement. I finally feel like we are getting some semblance of a life back and things are manegable. I don't have the same anxiety about his sleep (which is ok, but not great) and I am a bit more relaxed about it all. I really fear going back to square one with a new baby. I would feel like I was then going to be waiting another 18 months before it got ok again and before I felt like I wasn't coping. Hence my thinking of putting the new baby off. However, another part of me would love a new baby, although I don't think I am being realistic about how difficult it was and if I think now is tough, how on earth would I cope with a toddler and a baby?

Am I overthinking it? Is there ever a right time? Should I just dive in and get it over and done with or will waiting another 12 months make it easier when the baby arrives??

I am 35 this year so I think I can afford to wait. Career wise, I am in a good job and I would just take maternity leave and return so that has no bearing on my decision.

Could you share your experiences and offer and advice?

Thanks!

Morning OP, I have a 19 month old and a 3 month old and tbh I am shattered! Like you, I am not over keen on the baby stage- i see it as an endurance test really and just keep looking forward to around the 6 month mark when it gets a bit easier

I'm 36 and i felt like i couldn't assume that i would get pregnant again quickly so that was a factor in our having dc2 quite soon after dc1. Plus I think it'd be quite hard to start the new baby thing all over again once your first child was older and you had your life back, so there is also an element of getting the baby stuff over all in one go I suppose.

You've just got to do what's right for you and your family. Even though I am beyond knackered right now, it's definitely worth having the 2 close together. They love each other so much already and I feel quite content that my family is now complete. It's one less thing to worry about, iyswim?

Also, i am much less anxious 2nd time around. Didn't think i would be but I am more confident, worry less and don't fret about milestones, sleep patterns and all the other stuff which is all encompassing the first time round.

Thanks Cagney. I am impressed that you are coping with a 19 month old and a 3 month old. I think you are right about getting it over and done with and this is an argument my husband uses. I proposed a 4+ year age gap and he was dead against it because he wants us to get through the next baby and get out lives back.

I guess the hard part is I just feel like I am starting to come out the other side of the first endurance test so to go back and do it again will be a challenge....

I also never thought about the content feeling that I would have, as you have pointed out. That is a very good point. I definitely only want two so it will be a nice feeling to know that's it and it's all forward from there. IYKWIM.

Thanks for your thoughts!

I think it's different second time round. You know what you're doing, you've done it before.

You put less pressure on yourself and you learn from previous errors made

Going from 2-3 becomes a real juggling act though

I would just get it over with tbh

well, I had my two only 17 months apart, and it was hell for a while (I live abroad with no help AT ALL) but it also went VERY quickly as I was so busy it was all a blur really You will also be much less anxious, second time around, as Cagney said.

you seem to have a great support system and a nanny, so I would go for it asap - let the nanny/DH etc. do all the newborn hard graft work.

Thanks. Maybe I will just get it over and done with. There will still be a minimum of 2.5 years between them anyway, even if get pregnant straight away. I guess I was thinking more 3.5 years between them but it will just delay things by another year. It's going to be hard whenever we do it.

And yes we have a lot of support. I feel quite guilty for even finding it hard with all the support I have. To be fair, I only have the support when I am at work because we both work FT and then we don't have help once we get home from work or on the weekends, but I can't complain. I do have a lot of help to keep things running while we are both at the office. I think second time around I would take a longer maternity leave though. At least 6 months. With the first I took only 3 months, which was a bit short.

or you could do a Xenia, and go back in two weeks, leaving all the hard work to everyone else

Hi Emmy

DS1 is 2.5 and Ds2 4 weeks old. I like you did not enjoy the new born stage with DS1. DH and I are both control freaks and became obsessed by routines and napping causing much (di)stress last time around. We both wanted a DC2 and as I'm 36 and DH significantly older we figured we should get on with it.

If it helps I can confirm what other posters have said. Whilst the newborn stage is still hideous you are different second time around - more experienced and therefore more relaxed about things. I'm lucky to have a lot of family support and this helps as does the fact that DS1 is at nursery part time!

It's all worth it when I catch DS1 talking and 'reading' to his little brother.

I had 23 months between my first 2. I actually quite like the newborn bit but agree the lack of sleep is hard. I went back to work when they were each 14 months (not by choice) working nights and looking after them in the day. I had no help so found that hard. However they have always been best of friends. Don't get me wrong, there is plenty of fighting, many arguments etc. but at the end of the day they always have each other to play with. They are now 17 and 15 and do lots of things together.

I have 9 years between ds2 and ds3 (6). I took 9 months mat leave and went back to working days. He went to a childminder, then full time nursery and now school with wrap round care so it should be so much easier, but it's not. He has no one to play with at home. The older boys get tired of him and he wants me to play with him all the time. Sometimes I wish he had been a twin. He's really fabulous and I love him to bits but I find one on their own so much harder.

Go for it!

Sorry, back to work when they were 14 weeks, not months.

I would be very careful about waiting if I was 35. Sorry. I am biased because we had issues, but if my endocrinologist read your email he would be very keen for you to start TTC as soon as possible.

You might find that you are more relaxed the second time around - most people are. And it sounds as though you have a good support network around you. Obviously, that isn't a magic panacea, as you will be the one who is pregnant and who gives birth, and then the one who has maternity leave to look after the baby, but it's still very helpful.

I had my second quickly partly because of my age, and partly to get it all over with. :)

I wasn't sure about having our second. I had a fairly miserable first pregnancy and I'm only just finding motherhood rewarding now my DS can talk. I wasn't sure I could cope with another but DH was desperate. I also had a little voice at the back of my head telling me that DS needed a sibling.

Anyway, I decided I had to take one for the team as it were and I am now 5 weeks pregnant. I cried a bit when I found out but I am OK about it now and obviously DH is delighted.

I don't think that there is ever a right time. I was very like you first time around and found the baby stage very hard, particularly the relinquishing of control over my own life! I was pretty relieved to return to work when DD1 was 6 months. DD2 is exactly 2 yrs younger (birthdays a few days apart). Second time round was in many significant ways much much easier - mainly mentally, I had done it before, I knew what to expect and what not to stress about. In fact I totally loved the baby stage both with DD2 and later with DS (another 2 yrs later). One big plus for getting on with it is that the you are still sort of in the 'zone'. I'd say that once each child reaches about 3 ish you life totally opens up again, they have a semblance of reason and understanding, there are no more nappies, naps, worries about what or when you are feeding them (I mean on occasions - it doesn't matter if things are late or not quite what they are used to, they cope), many more people (friends / neighbours rather than just nanny / grandparents) are happy to look after them for you occasionally. Holidays are fun again. Suddenly your life is your own again. I would say that each time you have a child you go back to square one on this - in a way everything is dictated by the youngest child. My youngest is now 3.4 and I feel I have entered a new phase of my life. Yes, I loved the whole baby thing (2nd & 3rd time around anyway), but I am not sad to have moved on from that.

Op aside from the age (im 27) I could have written your post.

Tbh, if they could be born at 6mo Id go again in a heartbeat. The thought of a newborn again scares the hell out of me. I found it really hard. However, I like the idea of them close together.

It really is a thinker, and I think you'll never know until you do it, and by the time the youngest is 6mo youll think "we did this the right way" anyways.

We started trying when ds was 21mnths. Hadn't expected it to take long to get pg but actually took 8mnths and an ectopic so the gap will be just over three years (if all goes well this time).

Life doesn't always go to plan so I suppose I'd say just jump in feet first and go for it.

Oh gosh, thanks everybody! I think I might just do it. It's going to be crap anyway whether he is 2.5 or 3 or 3.5 so hell, let's get it over and done with.

Plus, I had to have fertility treatment with DS (not IVF but fertility drugs none the less) so I should factor in that it might not happen right away. I was lucky in that I fell pregnant the first time we tried with the drugs, but it does mean I need to factor in at least 2 months of getting the drugs, etc etc.

Ok, I am going to speak to my husband tonight. Even if we decided to try right away, it would be September or October at the earliest I could fall pregnant which would mean there would be about 2.9 years between them anyway.

DS will also have a spot at a day care centre near our house from Jan 2013 so he can go there at least 2 days a week which will give me time with a newborn baby. I never really enjoyed my maternity leave with him because we were living with my parents, just moved home from overseas, looking for a house, and then I started a new job PLUS my husband was back overseas for most of the first three months so I did a lot of it by myself at my parents. I think this time it will be better in many respects.

A little piece of me is actually quite excited!!

At 35 I wouldn't wait. You have no idea how long it will take you to conceive.

I found No. 2 and 3 less stress inducing as I was much more relaxed and chilled about the whole thing.

and Floss - congratulations!

Thanks emmy. I'll let you know how horrific it is in 9mo.

Hi, there is 8 years between my first and second child, then I had 3 close together. I found it better having the first two close together (not that I don't love them all, but it was hard work having 3 under 4 yrs). They are good company for each other and plus you can easily recycle your baby stuff, so it should be less expensive. Good luck x

It will be fine I am sure! I remember a midwife saying to me once that nothing is as hard as the first 6 months of your first baby.

I am now numb to the lack of sleep, lack of peace and quiet and lack of "me" time. I have zero expectations of any of these things anymore whereas before I was completely clueless about what was involved in looking after a baby. Completely clueless.

Good luck. :)