Advice please, friend using racist language in front of dd

[Epigirl]

Bit of a tricky one. My friend, who has dd 2 years, referred to someone as a p**i in front of dd(23 months); she also used what I would consider offensive terms whilst in conversation with me. I was utterly shocked by it as it is not a word I would ever use and would be devastated if dd picked up on it but I'm struggling to think how to best handle it. Friend is a kind person and uses such terms through ignorance rather than malice, I think, but the end result is the same. I told dh and he was really angry that such terms are used around dd and angry with me for not saying anything (I think I was so shocked I froze).

We live in a town which is largely white middle class and I've tried hard with dd, she took an Eid card to our friends and they included her in their celebrations which she loved. I know she'll come up against racist language at some point but I don't know quite how to deal with it.

I worked in HR and have dealt with issues of discrimination at work but that seemed easier somehow than in a social context, now I feel very useless that I can't decide what to do.

Sorry to ramble. I suppose my dilemma is two fold - how to deal with friend and how to deal with dd. Any advice gratefully received!

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Never pleasant is it?
Don't know about how to deal with dd, but with friend, should she use the term again you could say, with a non-threatening note in voice, 'How do you know they are from Pakistan, they may be from Bangledesh or India ?' end with a smile so she thinks you are teasing and try hard not to turf her out of your house.

My Dh would be the same, but it is hard to balance friendships and kids and dimwits.

Good louck

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Of course it isn't
but if she's as dim as Epigirl says she's not going to take the hint is she
That was meant to make her think about what she is saying not endorse it

It's the way the word is used that just makes it taboo. Tell your friend off.
Don't say anything to your DD unless she uses the word ... personally I would try to ignore it, but if necessary explain calmly it's not a nice thing to say.

If your friend is kind as you say, and uses such terms through ignorance rather than malice, then it should be possible to broach this subject directly with her (without encountering too much of a hostile reaction).

I would just say something along the lines of:

"I feel really uncomfortable and awkward about raising this, and I hope you don't think badly of me for bringing this up...but the other day you used the work paki in front of my dd, and its a word that I really don't like because of ...."(blah, blah - put in explanation about racism here). "Anyway I would prefer it if we avoided those sorts of words around dd. You're a great friend and I don't want to offend you, but I hope that you can understand my point of view" etc

Basically if I have to pull somebody up on something I am quite humble and almost apologetic about doing it...and have found that this approach tends to be well received.

Personally I would have said something there and then. I appreciate that you "froze" and that it can be difficult in front of your DD, but IMO it is always better to deal with something straight away. Obviously we are all different. I am quite a direct person myself and appreciate the same in others. I don't like people bringing up past events as I feel more awkward about the "you know what happened the other day...:"-approach. Maybe because I am not English, but I think English people get offended very easily and I find that tedious. Telling someone you don't like the term your friend uses is hardly the end of the world for either of you, so just tell her straight!

I don't like people swearing in front of my dd either but have tended to tell my dd that a certain word was wrong in various ways so that hopefully dd will have a low opinion of people who use unexceptable language. Must say when it comes to racist remarks I would freeze with horrer but hopefully it would be temporary and I would be able to tell them I don't like it especially in front of children otherwise what can happen next? Good luck! Thinking aloud: I wonder if it is best to "freeze" and explain to dd about the language being unacceptable as a friend might then feel uncomfortable around you and hide true feelings and I for one would like to know who's racist and who isn't.

I agree. I would not hesitate to pull my friend up on this, as much for myself and her as for my DD. Just because she used that sort of language through 'ignorance' rather than malice, does not mean it can be excused/ignored. Agree with HMC, be polite but firm, she should get the message loud and clear with the minimum of offence.

Best of luck
WSM
xxx

Hummmmmmmm I would tread carefully. I have direct experience of this, but with my Mum who regularly uses inappropriate and downright racist lang - but she is a lovely person in all other ways. She looks after my youngest a couple of afternoons a week and once I did pull her up on the use of one particular term. She went off it & told me to get someone else to look after my kids. It was a major major row and took us ages to speak again.........I know this is slightly different to your situation as your friend doesn't watch your kids, but I'd be careful about being too direct...........

It strikes me, from the language of your post lazyeye, that your Mum flipped because she knew that that sort of language is unacceptable and was therefore embarrased and ashamed by the fact that you picked her up on it.

Maybe, my mum isn't really one for being embarrassed or ashamed. There is a lot of history I won't go into......but all I'm saying is ...weigh up what the friendship means to you as it may result in you losing it, for whatever reason. I think if my Mum had been a friend rather than my Mum, it would have been the end. Sometimes we might be right, but you have to put other things first.......

I'd say something to your friend but with subtlety; i'm so pleased we can teach our children not to be racist.......she might get the hint, if not then you will have to be more direct.
But the most important thing you can do is help with dd, this is going to happen all her life unfortunately. My four year old knows its absolutely disgusting to ever ever make remarks about anyone, racist or otherwise. I can't change everyone but i can certainly make sure my children know right from wrong.

Cool name change FF, very seasonal .

Agree that as well as 'confronting' (sounds a little harsh, but you can do it gently but firmly) your friend, you must endorse all previous anti-racist messages to your DD. She may well not remember this incident with your friend as vividly as you do, or indeed at all, but I do think it is still important to help her to understand that this 'personality trait' is wrong.

Phew, Epigirl, it's not easy, is it, and I can understand why you froze. I think it's as well to practise a few phrases/responses in advance, and to challenge it directly. I personally think it is a great example to our kids for them to hear ANY kind of put-down language challenged, because it sets them up for when they may have to face stuff directed at them or their friends. Your DD is probably a bit young right now, but they quickly get the hang of assertively standing up for themselves.
Manily, though, your DD will get her own values from you, so don't worr about her being contaminated too badly!