stranger danger

[nevermindthebouncers]

My DD4 know that "baddies could lure you to their house" (this all came about because of the Hansel and Gretel fairy tale...).

Since we read that fairy tale she is very interested in "stranger danger" and frequently asks if the people we meet are "a little bit strangers" (she wants to know the "stranger status" of everyone from the postman, doctors, other parents at nursery, to her grandparents).

Then, today she was out with her sister (who was in the pram) and grandparents. Apparently a stranger came up to her while she was sitting down by herself at a bus stop and asked her if she wants to come to his garden. Am slightly freaked out...

Well, if this was true she ignored the man (because of her "stranger danger" thing), but this worries me anyway.. something like this did happen to me when I was a kid, but I was much older, maybe 13, and I wasn't that naive anymore.

What do you do in a situation like this?

1. Does anyone know how to explain to a child if someone is a stranger but can be talked to (check out Ladies or doctors come to mind, even a friendly person on the bus) and other strangers that shouldn't be talked to? How to explain this to a four year old?
2. Do you think my DD made the stranger at the bus stop up?
3. And - should I warn others? (This happened - if it is true in Hornsey/Islington London... haven't had a chance to talk to grandparents about where exactly it was - they claim they didn't notice anyone talking to my DD, but obviously were busy with the baby).

This became very long now, but i guess I was curious about my first question for a long time..

How old is she, can you not ask the GPs? It may well be that she made it up, as a way to explore the feeling about possibly being approached by a stranger.

If you want to ask her more try not to ask leading questions - ask what the person looked like (rather than asking what he/she looked like) etc.

she is four.

ok, just called grandparents: if true it apparently happened on Caledonian Rd (N1)

I asked her was he white, brown, etc... (she said "white"), and when i asked her if he was old or young she said "both"... ahh, well... she might have made it up.

But if someone has a good way of explaining the stranger thing to a kid, I am very curious. (maybe i made her overly cautious)

Don't know how to explain this but lurking to see if anyone has any good ideas...

I would avoid the whole "stranger danger" thing personally. A 4 year old shouldn't be alone in the street so there shouldn't be any danger of a stranger luring her anywhere!

Better to talk about more concrete things with children than "strangers" (which is hard to grasp - is Jimmy's grandma a stranger? What about the man in the shop that you talk to every day?) - don't go anywhere with anyone without asking parents/carers, don't keep secrets, your body is private, what to do if someone does or says something that makes them uncomfortable. People they know are more of a threat to children than strangers - so teaching them strangers=bad, familiar=good is no help!

I think it's best to teach children the art of conversation....light inconsequential chitchat, how to interact with people. This will stand them in good stead in making judgements and teach them the boundaries of society

I know that sounds quite poncey but being able to make their own judgements about situations and people will protect them more than a blanket ban on talking to strangers

Back this up with rubirosa's excellent advice too!!

I was thinking about this when I walked the dog today and I think Rubirosa offers good advice.

In 2002 DD's friend was murdered by Ian Huntley. DD knew Huntley, and liked him. She thought he was a kind man because he rescued a blackbird from the school courtyard. After we found out he had murdered the girls DD said to me "How could he have? He didn't look like a bad man". I think that really brought home to me the dangers of teaching our children about 'stranger danger', children are much more at risk from people known to them than they are from random strangers.

I'm with the others and have avoided all 'stranger danger' talk altogether.

Instead, I have taught my DDs a simple rule:

"I don't go anywhere, with anyone, without checking with my mum."

My DDs know that most people are good, some are not, but you never know who is good or bad. They know it is my job to keep them safe, and I can only do that if I know exactly where they are....

So our rule is that my DDs can (and frequently do) talk to people - people they know and strangers, but they never go with anyone without checking with me first. This includes friends' parents, strangers, teaching assistants, policemen etc... When my DDs go out, DD1 has a mobile phone and she knows if I need or want her, I will always go myself / phone. I never send anyone, so if anyone says 'your mum says you must come with me' - they know they are lying. They know in such scenarios to shout 'no' and run to the nearest 'safe house'. These are simply houses of people we know around the estate that if they needed some help, they could run there (mostly friends houses, but there is always one in sight).

I know this works as one of DD1s friend's mother invited my DD back with her to play, and she refused citing the above rule (she didn't have a phone at the time). When she does go out to play, she always phones me to let me know where she is going. We do have this rule that by and large, I do give her a lot of freedom - I don't say no unless I have good reason... so she does phone me to ask if she can go to the park / nature reserve / shop / X's house... and mostly I'll say yes. I only say know if there is a valid reason and DD knows this.

Having said all this, I live in a rural area, so our situation is very different to yours.

LadyLetch my mum taught me in the same sort of way, that you don't go anywhere with anyone without her knowledge because even people you think you know can be bad / do bad things.

I got offered a lift by a strange man on my way to school one day and I told him no thank you I like walking. When I told my mum that evening she reassured me I did the right thing because whilst he could have been a genuine well meaning person he could also have a bad man that wanted to cause me harm and it is always better to be safe than sorry.