Please come and tell me what to do. Bit desperate :(

[luckysocks]

I've posted on here about some of this before so sorry to go on about it. I've reached a point where I am sinking and I simply don't know what to do next.

DS is 3. DD is now 2 months. The problems are as follows (I'm hoping by being structured it will help to clear my head a little):

1. As I've mentioned on the other thread, I'm finding the loss of time and attention for DS incredibly difficult. He's my little man (PFB) and we're both struggling with the immense change in dynamic. I miss our relationship so much and he was such a laid back, happy little boy.

1. I'm so bloody tired.

1. I've been ill almost permanently since DD was born. Mostly water infections which keep recurring, and now after a quick google I can be fairly certain I've got tonsillitis. And mastitis back at the beginning. I worry about what it means that I've had some sort of infection almost without a break. I get temperature and shivers and generally feel knocked out.

1. I'm so bloody tired.

1. DS's immediate reaction to DD crying (or being fed beyond the first couple of feeds) is to start crying himself whilst bleating muuuuummmmy and finding the nearest naughty activity he can engage in until he gets my reaction. Many of these are unsafe/destructive enough that I do need to react. I'm giving him buckets of attention and love in between these times (which makes him happy) but it makes no difference at the next feed or cry.

1. Before DD, I wouldn't even have considered keeping DS in the house for more than a couple of hours a day, as he's got more energy than a puppy and gets grumpier and naughtier by the second. Problem is, getting out now is such a pain, and the last few times we've been out he's been a nightmare and we've had to come back home again. But then he's just naughty at home and I feel trapped.

1. I can't seem to get DD into any kind of sensible pattern at the moment which means that it's a guessing game most of the time as to why she's crying.

1. I have no-one around who can help. Parents abroad, friends all have small children and pregnancies of their own.

By 4pm today all three of us were in tears and I feel like I am failing everybody and just so terribly sad. I'm usually quite good at writing a bad day off and planning how to make the next one better, but nothing is working and I don't know what to do. I can't wait to go back to work but I'm dreading it too because I can't see how to do that as well. And DH is trying so hard to make things easier but he is having a crap time at work and I feel like I'm failing him too.

This is so long and I tried to be concise. If you got this far, thanks for reading. Any advice would be very much appreciated because I feel stuck and very very low.

I'm sorry you're feeling so rubbish. Have you spoken to anyone about PND?

I have no practical advice, except that It does get easier. I was in a similar place a few months ago. A sling really helped as I was at least hands free to look after DS1 and we could go to Playgroup/park etc as normal.

In a few months, your youngest will be able to interact better with your DS and things will change.

You're not alone in feeling this.

I was in exactly the same situation a few months ago. Same sex DC, same age gap, continuous minor health problems. It's bedtime now, but I'll be back.

It does get better...I know how you feel (rarely post on here but saw your post and can emphasise...I felt so guilty when my ds was born about my older dd not having the same attention. And I didn't have any health issues - babies just do take time and attention and it's horrible to feel like you're split into 2 like this.
But it does get easier...baby will get into some kind of routine as you get to know her and she learns about you. Your ds will get used to her - and I am sure will grow to love her - in the meantime could he 'help' with her changing and dressing for eg? I know you probably have to dig really deep for this but it could be worth it. Does he have his own baby to look after (or isn't that really him?) - may help?
Does she nap at all in the daytime? Maybe even if just for 5 mins and you could do a puzzle or picture with him?
Could you go the park and sit and feed on a bench whilst he plays on slides etc? He may make some little friends and he doesn't need supervising all the time now? Or could you take a picnic somewhere quiet and feed baby whilst he has a kickabout?
Sorry if you've tried all these things!
And do go to docs for feeling ill all the time..don't put up with it!
HTH

Echoing what others have said, this is a really difficult stage, grit your teeth, it will pass. You're not doing anything wrong, it's just bloody difficult. I had two strategies for ds wanting attention while dd wanted feeding. First was including him, when I'd got the hang of one handed feeding, cuddling him on the other side and reading a book/ doing stickers while she fed. Other strategy was ceebeebies, not perfect but it saved my life, and again it's not forever. Good luck.

I don't know if this was wise, or advisable, but when dc2 came along (dc1 3ys), I didnt change what I did at all. Obviously I didn't have work to go to, but had only been working 4 days so I just treated every day as I did my day off and weekend. So basically, aside from the odd exploding nappy hold up I just went about dc1's routine/social life and dragged the baby along with me everywhere. Looking back I think it might have been madness, and I do feel I missed out on quiet, snugly time with dc2. But it got us out, you can bf anywhere, dc1 got to nursery, swimming, park, play dates etc all as normal. House was a shit tip! still is
Dc2's routine evolved around nursery runs etc and she spent lots of time in the sling which I think kept her peaceful. Luckily she liked her pram.
I think what I am trying to say is that your baby won't mind at this age being dragged here there and everywhere if it helps your ds feel better? Good luck!

I would agree with Caz10. All my other three had to fit in with what I was doing with the eldest. So they were dragged out to playgroup, M&T groups etc and just had to adapt, and they did.

Doesn't help that you're not well though.

When it's feeding time, can you get him to bring you some books to read to him?

Hope you feel better soon.

I've been doing what Caz10 said. DD is 9 months, DS is 3.10. It is hard to get used to sharing your time and affection. In our case DS had always had 100% attention and still expects it. But - DD never has and does not expect it. So I mainly react to DS first, then catch up on DD cuddles when DS is at nursery. DS's way of getting attention when I am busy with DD is to drag bed clothes on to the floor, empty cupboards, throw things downstairs etc. It is exhausting.

Yes I agree with Caz10. I carried on regardless. I would put a warning though of don't be bloody ridiculous like I was. I took them to the zoo at 2 weeks post partum and ended up not very well as a result so don't push yourself too hard.

Also, I have 2 young kids (5 and nearly 2) and I'd love it if I could help a friend out so don't discount people because of that. Be honest and say you're dying for some company / stimulation for ds / someone to hold the baby. You'd be hard pushed to find a mother who doesn't empathise.

It does get easier but if you think you may have PND then get help now.

Like I say, mine are older now and its so much better. They play together most of the time and adore each other. I even get some sleep these days!!! (Am up at this time because dd nearly always wakes at 430am and wakes me and then I can't sleep!)

Take care of yourself. Stop beating yourself up. For the first 8 months or so all I could think was that I'd blown ds's little world apart and that hed 'lost his mummy' but nowasays I realise how much they enrich each others lives. He even asked me if I could have more babies (NO!) The other day because he 'loves dd so much'.

hi lucky.

i remember your other thread. :)

we're still muddling along too with DSs 2.10 and 3 months. we still don't really have much of a pattern for the wee one, so if he cries it's just guess as you say (check nappy, try walking around to see if he's sleepy, if in doubt insert boob.)

I'm trying my best to stick to DS1's routine but it's hard when DS2 feeds and changes slow us down so by the time I'm ready to put DS1 down for his nap he's all overtired and won't sleep. he still needs a sleep so I'm then landed with a grumpy boy for the rest of the day too!

i feel I've inadvertently resorted to too much bribery, threatening and cajoling to try and get him to cooperate. :(

I am doing as others said and trying to get out as much as we can. we do have a toddler group just as described where he can run about. i put DS2 in the sling in case i need my hands free to help DS1.

the worst time we had was when we all got ill for 2 weeks and couldn't get out, really hope you feel better soon as that will help.

Thank you for the replies

Reading them has helped massively to clear my head a little. I find that my response to most of them is "yes, but..." which makes me realise just how run down and despondent I'm feeling.

I've booked a drs appointment today in the hope that I can just get myself well again, as I think that will have a massive impact on everything else. DS has gone to nursery. At the moment I can barely speak and my head is killing me, so dealing with a baby and toddler in meltdown is almost impossible.

sorry you are in such a tough place. Having been there i sympathise with you!

Not sure i have much advice to offer that has not already been said, but i echo caz in that when my second came along she simply slotted in with the routine i had already established with DS1. There is 16 months between them and i had worked SO hard to get him into a decent routine that there was no way i was going to let anything ruin it!

From day 1 DD2 pretty much did what DS1 was doing....i.e. i worked to get them on the same sleeping/nap pattern, tried to get milk times the same as lunch/tea times etc, if we were going out then she had to come out.

The other thing i did was leave her to cry a bit. So if i was having some 1x1 with DS1 and she cried i would put her in her cot where i knew she was safe and leave her for 10-15 mins or so. She then learned that i was not on demand and in turned cried less and less.

Very quickly (I would say within 10 weeks) both routines were the same and it was then not much harder with 2 than 1.

The other thing i would say is not to put such expectation on yourself. It IS HARD and bloody exhausting. You are not perfect and neither do you have to be. It does and will pass. Your DS will not be damaged in anyway by arrival of number 2 - its just a phase he needs to adjust to - and he will.

My 2 are 5 and 4 now and are the best of friends, love each other so so much and play together and entertain themselves alot of the time.

Take care.

We had just (literally, just) got to the point at which routine didn't really apply to DS anymore - he doesn't sleep in the day now and it doesn't matter what time his meals are at any more than it does for us. So we were experiencing a bit of freedom for the first time... hmm.

It's a good point, wfhmumoftwo - I'm going to have to try to detach myself from all the crying a little bit! They'll both survive for a short time without me.

You sound extremely fatigued and ill (rather than depressed). Can you enlist any help with 1st child? I mean can anyone take him to park/special day out an give you and LO a break whilst also treating him to a special day/surprise? Also I dont know if this is possible, but can you read to 1st child whilst feeding 2nd? Can you make feeding the baby a family cuddle/storytime or is that not really possible? Can 1st child help with any baby related things to make him feel more involved and less resentful of baby? He sounds like he's going through classic 1st child thing of missing the attention but also feeling shunted into being more grown up than he feels and not being the baby any more, which must be hard on him too. He probably misses your relationship just as much as you do, but he can't articulate this except by being a bit naughty or being more demanding. Is it possible for you to leave baby with anyone for a couple of hours and take 1st child to activity/cake/ice-cream shop, just the two of you? I know this can be difficult to fit around feeding, but I remember going out on my bike for 90 minutes when LO was only 3 weeks old, so a short trip out may be possible? And last but definetly not least can you get a 90 minute or 2 hour break by yourself? I hadnt realised how much I neded it till I started going cycling again and it was only once a week but that 90 mins/2 hours away (despite worrying the entire time about what was going on at home) was such a relaxation for me that I would have gone mad without it. If you enjoy any sport, swimming etc anything like that would be a relaxing break. Maybe a trip to the park/cafe/library with a book, or go to the cinema or a music concert (without the kids) if you're not into sports? If you like music you could try your local music school/college - they often have free or cheap lunchtime concerts.

Also agree with others about playgroups or meeting up/inviting round other families with small kids - it does give you a break if you meet up with others with children. it is actually even better with older ones, around 6+ as they will entertain your 1st child rather than just taking toys off him/wanting the same toys, and can usually be trusted to "look after" smaller kids a point, which gives you a real break whlst being able to talk to other adults.

You sound exhausted.

Is there any chance of someone else having your older boy for a while on a playdate, or even using a day nursery if money permits ? I know it sounds a bit exterme but if he could do that a couple of days a week it would give you the chance to recover a bit, and then be able to do activities with him on the other days once you have had a rest.

gourd I think you're spot on. The doctor focused rather a lot on PND the other day and I truly don't think that's it - at least not at the moment. She did take blood though to check that there's nothing amiss.

I'm thinking about how I can use as many of these suggestions as possible! DS is being really naughty at the moment, at nursery too, and it makes me so sad because he has always been such a laid back, well behaved little man. I've recited It's Just A Phase in my head so many times that the word 'phase' is starting to sound weird

I completely understand how you are feeling. DS is 13wks and DD 4.6yr and up until recently I felt like I'd ruined her life (she showed no signs of jealousy) but whenever I was feeding DS, DD would always want me to do stuff for her. Feeling ill and exhaustion is what is making it all so hard for you at the moment. Get yourself on a course of multi vitamins and try to get to bed the moment they are both in bed. Even if you do this every second night you will find yourself catching up slowly on some sleep. It's only in the last few days that I've caught DD talking and singing to DS (now that he is reacting and being cute) and the love between already has made my heart melt. I realise now it's all worth it and I can sort of see a routine developing with DS. I still find it hard to get out and about and this is the hard part but you should try even if it's for a walk around the block.