Are we doing this right?

[ANameForAllSeasons]

DS is 20 months old and a cheerful boy who has started to explore a lot more. He sometimes gets frustrated by things and a bit antsy but we deal with it with distraction, getting down to his level and so on. He understands a fair bit 'bring it to mummy', 'take it over there' type stuff but isn't able to say much other than single words.

We were with friends recently, who also have a 20 month old, and noticed they take a much more 'NO!' kind of approach.

While we try to let DS explore they were very cautious, not allowing him to go up and down small steps - often leaping into action when our DS did. Also yelling 'no!' a lot when he tried to do stuff (their DS not ours) and making him sit if he was eating (it was a picnic) ...

I know everyone has different parenting styles but on the way home with DH I asked him if he thought maybe we should be being stricter and that perhaps we are too easy going RE things like table manners/investigating stuff.

We do, of course, say 'NO' to him when he's about to damage himself or someone else/something else and I always have my eye on him when he's climbing and so on.

Is it around about this age that I am supposed to start being really strict with him and drum in 'manners'? He's my first child and I am just making it up as I go along!

thank you.

I think before I had him I had all these ideas about how he would have boundaries and we'd be in charge but he is still so small and I am not sure it's fair to be continually restricting what he does just at the point when he's become so involved with everything. I'm hoping it's ok to give kids this age a bit of freedom to explore things around them?

We have been making sure all his meals are at the table at home as it's helping him with his eating but then sometimes he will stand up in his chair and do a dance which we find amusing and let him get away with for a bit before sitting him down again. We do draw the line at dancing on the table!

Did you spot the AIBU thread about over-praising? Might be worth a look.

I wouldn't worry.

At 20 months they understand a lot, if there is something you don't want him to do then he'll understand not to do it if he gets told off. We have a cupboard that DS is not allowed in, even though it doesn't have a lock (nothing dangerous, I just don't want him spilling breakfast cereal on the floor) and he no longer attempts to go into it because he knows he's not allowed. He also doesn't touch the recycling despite it being on the floor in the corner of the kitchen and being nice and shiny.

But if you're happy with him pottering around then just let him. Our house is safe enough and I trust DS enough to just do his thing without hovering over him all the time.

my mum has taught him 'hot' and now he doesn't go near the oven or woodburner so I know he can understand a lot.

I did get a comment when he stood on a chair, something like 'oooh I hope you're not going to be picking up bad habits like that' which irked me a bit but ds is not that interested in food and gets really distracted.

Hmm we tend to take path of least resistance generally, and save "no" only for "disaster looms/imminent death" which seems to work as she stops instantly. We sometimes say "dont do that" or "not on the floor, on your plate please" etc but everyone has different limits. We showed her how to open doors using the handles she can reach and wher she cant we have hand trap things to stop her fingers being trapped. We let her open safe drawers and cupboards and just keep locked the cleaning stuffs and tablets etc. I dont stop her wandering around doing things or climbing or getting muddy etc, but then I am prepared to change her clothes/put her in watreproof trousers and wellies and be by her side all the time. I help her to climb and/or show her how to go downstairs safely etc - I figure she'll do it anyway at some point so better to show her how best to do it first and then be there when she does it herself, to help her. Most of this is specific to the age and understanding of your child though. I wont tell her off for things she doesnt know are not allowed (like trumping then running about going "pooh" and wafting her arms about which she knows we find funny anyway but might not go down too well in other households!) but there are some things like not throwing food on the floor, that now at 23 MO she knows is not what you do. We only started telling her not to around 12 months as before that we were happy to see her eat so well and enjoy her food and didn't want meal times to be a battle and they weren't, we just put up with the mess to start with. She actually understood about putting food she doesnt want on another plate almost immediately once asked to though, so it's only now, at 23 MO that she might deliberately throw food on the floor in protest at something!

You can only do what you think is best and go on the abilty and understanding of your own child as well. There's no point telling them not to do something if they dont understand why they shouldn't though, you either have to allow them to do it, even if it is very, very annoying/messy, or physically stop them from doing it if it's something dangerous.