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Parenting

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Original poster

opinions needed please

25 replies

freephone · 29/07/2012 20:16

does anyone think it is worrying that SIL doesnt want to spend any time with her twins they are 2 1/2. My in laws are with her early am until her DH gets home. both parents do not seem to have bonded with children at all.Is this worrying or is it just a different parenting style.

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NagooingForGold · 29/07/2012 20:26

maybe she is overwhelmed by them, maybe the GPs are overbearing? who knows? It's safest not to speculate.

If the ILs are happy to be so involved and the DC are looked after then it's not a problem.

Has she said anything to you or are you just looking in from a distance IYSWIM?

BombasticAghast · 29/07/2012 20:29

I have twins aged nearly 3.

I work F/T and DH is SAHD. We also have help 1 1/2 days a week so he can get some stuff done around the house (we have a smallholding so lots of jobs that can't be done with 2 2 year olds tagging along).

It's exhausting and draining and relentless. Twins are exceptionally hard work. Maybe she is struggling - I know we are.

Can you support her or give her a chance to talk? Do you have DCs yourself?

Original poster

freephone · 29/07/2012 20:31

i have 4 dc myself my inlaws are not happy to help they are elderly and struggle to cope. my SIL twins are looked after as such but inlaws will not take them to farm etc

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BombasticAghast · 29/07/2012 20:33

What do you mean will not take them to farm?

Original poster

freephone · 29/07/2012 20:34

sorry i mean will not take them out to farms and soft play places.

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BombasticAghast · 29/07/2012 20:34

I think this is best left to your brother. He can talk to his wife about it , surely.

If you are not able to be supportive I think you should stay out of it. They are your brother's children as well, remember, so presumably he is happy with how it is working out.

BombasticAghast · 29/07/2012 20:35

Soft play is hell - I don't expect they will miss it much.

Soon they will be entitled to the free preschool hours, so that should help.

Original poster

freephone · 29/07/2012 20:43

the DC are my DH sisters i have stayed out of it and been supportive but my ILs are really struggling now and have been quite ill.they confide in me and DH we help with looking after DC sometimes and offer advice. dont have a great relationship with SIL. she prob woulnt confide in me. i think she was overwhelmed to start with and IL s went over to help a lot and this has carried on.

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amillionyears · 29/07/2012 20:52

When you say that they appear not to have bonded,what makes you think that?

tryingtonotfeckup · 29/07/2012 20:59

Bit confused, do the In laws do all the caring or do they help out every day? Is your SIL ill at all?

I have twins, it is hard work but unless there was some reason that your SIL couldn't cope I would think it is weird that she has so much support. You do need to just get on with it.

As a millionyears asked, why do you not think they have bonded?

Original poster

freephone · 29/07/2012 21:00

well not much eye contact not much conversation if they come over for tea i say do they eat something and SIL doesnt know (her ds has lactose intolerance)it is not something i can actually put into words but as a mum myself it doesnt feel right they dont seem comfortable with each other. its a gut instinct .

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Original poster

freephone · 29/07/2012 21:04

yes tryingtonotfeckup i think it is weird it is hard having kids i dont have twins so dont really know but have 4 dc dh works 12 hr days 3 schools no car 2 hr school runs yes it is hard bu you do have to get on with it,

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amillionyears · 29/07/2012 21:36

I can think of a couple of things here,but may be way off the mark.
Might your SIL,and your BIL for that matter have depression that you dont know about,and maybe your inlaws do know?
Are your totally sure your are not a bit jealous,as you have 4 DC and no help from inlaws,but your sister il law has 2 dc?
Culd your SIL fee a bit inferior to you and that is why she acts like she does in your presence.
actually,you just said "but you have to get on with it".She may feel she isnt up to just getting on with it,and feel inferior as well.
Just ideas,as I say they may all be wrong.

Original poster

freephone · 29/07/2012 21:43

well i have thought that there is something going on that i dont know about as ILs seem very reluctant to leave them to get on with it. and no im not jealous as i had kids 8 years before SIL and so could have had help i think she definatley isnt up to getting on with it but also feel sometimes you have to be left in the deep end weve all had really bad days with kids but the only way you can develop coping stategies doing it. things dont seem to be getting any easier for them. also the kids play up a lot because thet are used to having 3 peaple with them all the time

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Original poster

freephone · 29/07/2012 21:45

i also feel that she worries that she cant cope when shes in public because she never takes control ILs are always there so solve problems

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amillionyears · 29/07/2012 21:48

Sounds to me like she has depression,could it ne post natal depression after 21/2 years,I dont know.
If she has,she will not be able to just get on with it.
You or your DH could ask the inlaws.Not sure they would say yes if she has.She may have told them not to tell you both.
Do you know much about depression?

amillionyears · 29/07/2012 21:49

Almost definitely depression.May be a good idea if you google it.The mental health forum on here might be informative for you too.

Original poster

freephone · 29/07/2012 21:51

my dh had depression he thinks she hasnt got it but im not sure my ILs prob wouldnt tell me when dh had depression they were ashamed of him. thanks amillionyears you have been a good listener im just not sure what i can actually DO.

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Original poster

freephone · 29/07/2012 21:54

yes i will def do that thanks again

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amillionyears · 29/07/2012 22:00

Probably inst that much you can do other than be sympathetic to her possible siutation and by being helpful if you have spare time.
It does look like the inlaws may have learnt from how they treated your DH.
Hope your SIL has been seeing a GP as often as she needs to,and is not relying on the inlaws to the extent that she has not been to the GP
Perhaps your DH could speak to your sister,and just say that if she did have it like he did,that he understands and hopes she has seen a GP.

I am sort of assuming she does have it at this point,but we dont know for sure.

Original poster

freephone · 29/07/2012 22:04

i dont think i will ever know for sure as they are a very secretive family they dont talk about things the babies were ivf so i think she thought it was going to be great having kids and the reality is when there young it is a lot of crap days

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amillionyears · 29/07/2012 22:13

It is a shame.I hope things get better for them all.Was just about to finish posting,when I realised that in your original post you said that both parents didnt seem to have bonded.
Do you think your BIL may have depression as well?

Original poster

freephone · 29/07/2012 22:20

dont think so hes just not around much hes happy my IL s do so much because he can go out with his mates and not feel guilty. in fact he seems to have bonded better than my sil when i think about it he does play with them chase them around a bit
but hes happy to take a back seat if someone else
will do feeding changing etc
i think he hasnt really stepped up which prob makes sil
feel even more snowed under

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amillionyears · 30/07/2012 06:47

Sounds like because the inlaws stepped in,then he didnt feel the need to.
Hope they all end up in a better situation.

tryingtonotfeckup · 30/07/2012 09:25

That sounds difficult, my DH when he comes home from work is straight into it, if he didn't I would find it very difficult, twins are 2 yo now so its a similar age to your SIL. We have 3 DC in all and having twins is difficult, they are both dependent when young and you don't have the advantage with older children in that they are at least a bit more independent, can feed themselves, get dressed etc.

If your BIL isn't stepping in to help, SIL would feel overwhelmed on her own, hence PIL filling the gap. I can see how if they are IVF you may feel that you cannot complain, say that it is hard etc as this is what you wanted from the start. There is a lot of pressure on your SIL, she may have put some of it on herself.

Sorry, no hepful advice other than your DH asking his parents etc

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