Tips please on how to tell children about separation...

[lowprofiler]

Been putting off telling DCs (10 and 8) until holidays started. Now the moment I've been dreading has arrived as older one accidentally read part of a letter in which our separation was mentioned. DC1 clearly upset. Tried to explain but awkward as didn't want DC2 to overhear. Ex away so not here to back me up and he won't be around for another 2 weeks. Any thoughts on how to navigate this tricky situation and what to say now and in general?

Lowprofiler, I'm so sorry to hear that! You must have felt awful when one of your DC found the letter.

I'm speaking as someone who's own parents got divorced and also as someone working with children with emotional difficulties. Telling children that their parents are getting divorced is never easy and there is no 'right way' of doing it. There are a few points though that may help your children:

• Start by stating the facts. Sounds obvious, but you'd be amazed by the elaborate stories parents tell their kids. Unless there is abuse or violence involved, children tend to be better off hearing the truth.

• Emphasise that this is not their fault!! Almost all the children I see with issues related to divorce feel that they are partly to blame for their parents difficulties. This also means that children often feel if only they start being very ''good", they can get their parents back together.

• Be clear with how the divorce will affect them, I.e. contact with either parent, living arrangements, changes to financial circumstances etc. At the age of 8/10 children will start jumping to their own (often wrong) conclusions.

• It is usually helpful for children to hear that, though their parents no longer love each other, they will not stop loving the children. Again sounds obvious, but children often worry about this.

• Ideally the kids should also get a message from their parents that they will continue to work on the parenting together, I.e. agree on rules, major decisions etc. this may be less of an issue now, but may well come up later.

• If you feel you can, send a message to your kids that you will remain in the 'parental' role, and do next expect them to start taking care of you. It would not be uncommon for a 10 year old to start being the shoulder a mother leans on. This can be very subtle, but is bound to bring with it all sorts of difficulties later.

• Lastly, it is usually very helpful for children to be allowed to express their emotions. There may be many and they may change from one minute to the next. This can be really challenging for parents, but very important for the children. This is often where other relatives or friends can be a great help!

Do you have any friends/family around you for support? Separation can be so hard and draining and it might help to have some emotional back up for yourself, too!

I hope some of this is helpful and that it all goes well.

Thanks Lavendal - that's really kind of you to take the trouble to outline all the important points. All very helpful and useful. I guess my issue now is to keep making sure DC1 talks about it and feels able to air any uncertainties.

Hi there, apologies for typos. In the bit about 'parental role' it should obviously have said: "...do not expect them to...". Never been keen on the predictive typing .... .

Yes, if you can keep DC1 talking, that would be great. Some kids prefer drawing/ writing. A journal/ diary might help. And pets can be amazing listeners!