At my wits end with daughters shyness... any ideas?

[OLIVEBRANCH]

I have a lovely daughter, She's 10 and has a calm disposition. The problem is she is so very shy with everyone and always has been except when she's at home. Even at family occasions with grandparents, Aunts & cousins who we see often - she prefers situations on a one to one basis. At school she has no special friend with the girls but oddly enough gets along well with the boys. They treat her as one of them. When I've asked her why she thinks the boys accept her she said "I don't find it difficult to talk to the boys, I can talk to them about anything and they do to me, but with the girls I have to think about what I want to say to them first". She's in the top groups in her class yet even the teacher has issues with her. At a recent meeting I got "Why can't she be more assertive?" I've asked if she asks questions at school but she says the teacher rarely asks her. I think because she is so quite she tends to be over looked I know she's not too happy at school. Therefore I,m really worried as she leaves school in July.

What do I need to do? Can anyone give me any suggestions?

Many thanks from one worried Mum

I was a shy child, so I sympathise with your daughter.

It's a tricky one, as obviously you want her to mix with other kids but forcing this would probably be a real ordeal for your daughter...so I guess a party is out of the question! But, is there a girl nearby (same age or thereabouts) who you could invite round to lunch/tea one day? Just one person will be easier to handle. I wouldn't push her too hard though.

Does she have brothers? Just wondering if that's why she's more comfortable with boys.

Your daughter sounds lovely. Girls at this age can be very cruel and cliquey (sp?) which may be why she prefers boys. If you are sure she isn't being bullied I shouldn't worry too much.

I was also shy. At school I was also always in the top groups but was unassertive. Looking back I think it would have helped if I had done more extra-curricular stuff.

Would she be interested in Brownies, tap-dancing, ballet-dancing classes - anything like that?

I found this interesting with regard to shy children

www.hsperson.com/pages/child.htm

not wildly helpful of the teacher to say that! on your behalf. Is she happy? IS she unassertive? You can be quiet and prefer one to ones and still be confident. It's tricky - you want her to be herself and I think she has the right to prefer boys, and to prefer one to ones.
What is she into? What does she like? Has she tried the normal confidence givers like drama, martial arts, etc or is she too shy to try? does she have any female friends?

I feel for her. SOunds just like me when i was younger. Well actually still am....
Boys were always easier as girls were always on about boys etc. Found it boring.
Try and get her involved with some after school activities. Thats where i went wrong i think.
And try to find things to build her confidence.
My nephew goes to drama and loves it.

I was just the same as a young girl - in fact right up until University. I somehow just came out of it and am mow seen as one of the more assertive ones amongst my peers (that's what they say) I am also a coper.

I am sure your daughter will be fine so long as others don't expect or wish for her to be any different.

The only 'issues' I have from my childhood are remembering feeling a bit of a freak from other's perspective, even though I was quite happy as a wallflower, and some wicked, wicked teachers who called me aimless instead of Aimie and totally and utterly picked on me.

Thank you all so much for your comments its a real relief to hear she's not on her own. You've all raised some good points so I'll try to answer in order. Yes she does have a brother aged 6 and all boy! so yes this may be why she feels more relaxed around the boys. She goes to Guides which she enjoys and Tennis which she loves I mentioned the drama thing but she looked horrified so I took that as a no. Sibdoms you have a good point - she is quitely confident and has an inner desire and determination to do well. She does have female friends but she would prefer to read Harry Potter etc..than talk about boys and make- up. Its got to the point where I feel it must be my fault for "mothering" her too much. She's only 10 I don't want her to grow up too fast there's time enough for that. If she wants to ride her bike etc then I'm all for it.

She does sound lovely. However, I totally understand your concern. I was horribly shy at school (always got on better with boys too) and now can see the same thing in my dd. One thing I worry about is that everyone is constantly saying 'oooh she's shy'... 'aw, are you shy?' to her. To a degree I think it's going to be a self furfulling prophesy.

If it is any consolation the majority of people I have now as friends would readily class themselves as 'shy' when they were younger. But to look at them you would never guess - they are lovely, friendly, open people. If anything I would say that they are more well rounded and friendly than the kids who were brash and confident, because they became accustomed to sitting back, weighing things up, and identifying/acknowledging other people's feelings.

I know that doesn't really help now, but I would just be open to anything which you think might increase her confidence - which it sounds like you are.

Yes, Olive I agree with Zippy, I think you are doing fine and really don't think there's anything else you can do except be open to new interests for her and push them along if she allows - she sounds a lovely person to me. I definitely think it's good to remember that shy does not mean a lack of self confidence or self worth. I would have been classed as shy in school I know, but at the same time I had such a strong confidence in myself that I was immune to 'peer pressure' - I would never feel pressured to do things others were just to keep up and was proud of having my own ideas -and I think your daughter sounds similar to this.

Definitely just ooze admiration for the person she is and don't let a whiff of any uncertainty about her emanate from you - because I'm sure she will be fine, she sounds really great

Thank you Zippy539 It really does help to hear comments like this as its very reassuring to realise that we're on the right path. Your words were very kind and I thank you again for that.

Thank You Very Much Sparklemagic - I now know that I made the right decision to ask for help I wish I'd done this months ago instead of worrying. I feel like a hugh weight has been lifted of my shoulders.

glad you feel so much better Olive! Shyness seems to run in my family so I do have experience of how people get really worried about it - my MIL tells me she was really shy and deliberately used to leave my DH in strange situations when he was a child (eg dropping him off at a youth club party where he knew NO-ONE!)to try to ensure he didn't turn out shy!!!! hmmmm....interesting approach!!!!