If you had a bad childhood are you a good parent and if so how?

[groundhog101]

Simple and complicated question. I did not have a good childhood (abusive father, mother wrapped up in her own very real problems, two schizophrenic silings who never left the house much after leaving school, and very little family contact for me from the age of twenty, cutting off all contact over 10 yrs go). Now i have two small children and I struggle. i struggle to be alone with them and happy, I shout when stressed, feel I am pushing them away but probably would struggle to get out of bed in the mornings without them. I am intensly frustrated by the small irritations of young children and have unrealistic expectations of how they will behave. I have hundreds of self help books and have on and off taken ADs. I have coped very badly with motherhood and needed a nanny or some other person to hold my hand all the time. I dread being on my own with them. I am full of regret for the shouting I have done. My friend said I am like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I don't think I know how to be happy - my family life was pretty miserable, happiness consisted of laughing at Morecombe and Wise on a saturday night (1970's). i see so much of both my parents in me and I vowed not to be like them and somehow thought the birth of my first child woud be like wiping the slate clean and starting again.

anyone?

hey there. hope you are ok. you sound really stressed and quite down... I think you are really hard on yourself!

Please know, to start with, that having two children is really tricky and not necessarily very fun! I sense from your post you feel you should enjoy all of mothering and it should be quite uncomplicated when really it really is a slog, however much you love your kids. Me and my friend adore our young kids and yet agree that the best time for a parent is when the kiddie is sleeping

I had a shitty childhood and since I had DS i have actually stopped talking to my DM as I realised it was shitty and not normal. Now DS is 2.7 and I have asked on this thread not so long ago how to cope when he is being challenging and not turn into my mother. Several people felt the same, particularly when it came to losing tempers and hitting. i don't hit but worry sometimes how much I want to and this really frightens me. I hate shouting but sometimes do, particularly when tired. Kind people reassured me though that shouting or losing your temper (not regularly) wasn't necessarily a sign that I was the devil, but a normal person.

There is a lovely thread on here about gentle parenting that offers alternative discipline techniques and comes from UP. Have you thought about that? peple are so kind and a few of us are trying not to be shouty or negative parents.

Or have you thoght about counselling to maybe start to understand more clearly for yourself the difference between you and your parents and get some more self esteem? It sounds like you don't know who you are in this scenario, and you generally just think you are rubbish, when I am sure you are not.

Am sorry, am not much help but didn't want to read and run.

Not me but my DM and her aunt. Aunt's background was in one of those horrible convent orphanages where the kids were neglected at best, abused at worst and yet emerged a lovely mum who would do anything for her kids.... spoilt them rotten, in fact. Then my DM whose own mother (sister to the aunt) was the one who emerged from the orphanage horribly damaged by the abusive treatment and went on to mete it out to her own kids, killing one of them.

How my DM coped was to find other mothering role models and, for that, she looked to her aunt and other women she admired. She hasn't got it right all the time but DB and I have turned out OK so far. :) I'd suggest that's what you do. Decide which of your mum friends you'd like to copy, see how they manage and learn from them.

I really feel for you. I had a childhood which, although not abusive as far as I know, left me lacking good mothering models as my own mother is bipolar and has had several significant periods where she was in hospital or unable to cope. I often struggle. What helped me was two lots of cbt style counselling, paid for by the Nhs and from a direct referral from the gp. I had four sessions each time and unpicked some things from my childhood but also helped me to find more helpful thought patterns. I sought it out after having a really tough time after dc2 was born where I felt despairingly that I was a dreadful mother. I have learnt that I have other role models in my life to replace my mother and that I'm actually doing okay. I have had some pretty low times. Mostly they come because I so want to do a better job than my mother that I set myself unrealistic expectations and then despair when I can't meet them. You sound like a normal mother who, like me, lacks a benchmark of what normal is. Talking to someone you trust might help.

My situation is a bit different. I had a 'bad childhood' due to circumstance (single mother who got ill and died) not due to 'bad parenting'. However I am definitely similar in that I worry a lot about how that influences how I parent and whether my hangups will be passed on to my kid(s) (got 1, but planning more).

Talking about it helps a lot though. Either to a friend / partner, or otherwise professional help can be hugely helpful (so I'm told.. am trying to get some counselling/therapy myself at the moment but it's not very easy) to sort through your thoughts & feelings.

I'm sorry you had such a rough time as a child. Know though that the fact that you're asking yourself these questions, that you're aware of these problems and that you don't want to repeat your parents' behaviour all indicate that you're on the right track and that you want to do the best for your kids.

Yes. I had a bundle of therapy (weekly for the best part of 5 years) before having children, so I am mentally different now. I don't lose my cool, I express my emotions rather than doing the pressure cooker thing, but perhaps most important of all - I allow myself to be loved.

I'd recommend lots of therapy if you can.x

I had a difficult childhood (lost my mother and brother in an accident and a few other things went on as well) and I found the idea of being a mother terrifying as I had completely built it up in my head, have this totally idealised picture. I had counselling before ttc to address some of the issues as i have a lot of difficulty showing emotion. I found it incredibly helpful to get my head around some of the ways I behave and think. I think counselling could be really helpful to you op, good luck.

Try counselling as books don't seem to have helped - I've been told that CBT can give changes quite quickly.

Ok, so you've shouted - but what your kids will remember is a mother who feels brave enough to say sorry and tell them she is going to try to do better. The worst thing as a kid is thinking that you deserved it - just telling your kids sorry you didn't handle it well, will make all the difference. And don't be too harsh on yourself - think what little thing would have made a difference to you as a kid, and start there, and build on that. And don't beat up on yourself when you don't behave how you hoped. Instead focus on the things you did well, and build a positive spiral.

Try and be aware what makes you get angry before you turn shouty - if you can recognise the warning signs, then you can get strategies for dealing with it. Even if that is telling your DC, I'm feeling angry, I don't want to lose my temper, please leave me alone and taking yourself off to your room, the kitchen or wherever obviously not leaving your kids alone in the kitchen with the sharp knives or whatever other dangerous things are lurking in the kitchen!

Oh and even the parents you think are perfect can on occasion lose their tempers or have really, really bad days. We can't all be a happy family off a hollywood film ......

Oh and do something that you would like, and invite the kids to join you ... get a movie you loved from childhood and curl up on sofa with a bowl of popcorn. My DD loved vegging with me from about 2. Nothing wrong with Mummy time being established from a young age!

Hope it helps and didn't sound patronising. I had a crap mother - but the worst thing she did to me was to tell me constantly I ruined her life - and that I was / am pathetic for being upset by her comments. She always made everything my fault or someone else's fault and never took any responsibility for her actions. Those words were way worse than her shouting lunacy of which there was lots!

Oh and when I feel fed up with it all .... I stick on some really cheesy bouncy music and dance round the kitchen for 5 minutes and be grateful I have no neighbours who can see me Provides DD with amusement, and I claim that it shows her a method of stress relief ...... she often joins in and when tiny was very cute!

I had a very abusive childhood at the hands on DMs DP. My problem is that I am way too soft on my kids. I am often afraid of upsetting them and spoil them to bits which is a real problem as I am very skint and often go without to give them things that they don't really need.

Thank you for your replies, I appreciate all of you taking the time. I have booked in for therapy and will start end of Aug. I have had short spells of therapy over the years but now am inthe poistion that i can do it long term. I should have done it before having children but did not. i thought i would be reborn and suddenly be perfect - how crazy was that?

I am ashamed of how selfish i have been and when I see women being nice to their children i feel jealous, even though i know they are probably not always nice and indeed a women a few doors down locked her six yr old out of the front door and he was shouting to go back in.
parenting does not come easily to me.

Well done! With therapy, it's MOST effective when it's the most HORRIBLE for you - when people say that "therapy doesn't work" - what they often mean is that they dropped out when it started getting tough. I remember more than one occasion where I simply sailed past the door in my car and turned my phone off... a good therapist is going to start picking away at those scabs!

As far as shouting goes, I think we all do it, but I suppose the good stuff comes from communication and knowing what's "too far". It is a fine line, imo, between being realistic with your children e.g., "no darling, mummy can't afford to buy you a 1000 quid sit-on motor, you're 2" and "your dad and I just can't pay the bills, it's always a struggle, we've only got 4 pounds left, blah blah".

You can communicate and be straight & up-front without "burdening" them with "adult knowledge" iyswim. Boundaries = good, Burdens = bad.

It's OK to say "mummy feels sad today, but it's not because of anything you've done - in fact, let's go to the park because that will make me happy" - then you let them run like buggery whilst you sit on a bench gnawing your knuckles and considering buying gin at 3pm!

Good luck with everything and if you ever want to talk about the counselling, please just PM me - I'd be happy to relate my experiences.

You decided not to be like your parents, which is good. But you don't have a model of good parenting to follow, you don't know what to do and how to do it.

Don't be ashamed of that, it is not your fault.

All parents have times when they think "shit, I swore I'd never do that", but with you it brings back the emotional abuse you suffered as a child, and for the minute you shout - you are back being a child.

OK so now you have to teach yourself. Write yourself some rules about situations that may arrise - think through how you woud deal with it. Many parents go into a situation 'blind' but they have the way they were parented as a plan, you only have 'don't do it this way'. You may also feel slightly jeleous of your children because they are having a better childhood than you, it is normal, again this is the feeling of a little girl not an adult.

So things that can / will happen

Bedtime - not sleeping, not going to bed, nightmares
Meals - fussy eater, not eating, manners, eating out
Sibling rivalry - fights, arguments etc.
School / nursery

For all of those things (and I'm sure you can think of more) there will at some point be a time you are encountering one of those situations, if you have rules tto hand you can handle it.

Talk to other parents - or come on here- and ask what worked. Write it down and use it.

I had a very controlling, negative mother who never praised me, and made me feel inadequate, ugly and just never good enough. She was also abusive to my father who committed suicide.

I am so paranoid and overly careful now with everything and go over and over things in my head. I have a wonderful DH but am terrified of losing him, and I am a total perfectionist about everything - I feel I can't do motherhood right and am constantly comparing myself to others. My house is messier, my baby less sociable or developed, I'm fatter, the whole shebang. I know that if I worried less and just did my best I would be far better. I don't spend enough time playing with my baby because I'm running around trying to keep house perfect and plan perfect meals/activities. I feel guilty about everything - I had a successful day yesterday with housework, baby group, meals, etc but DH made a comment this morning that his shirt which I'd washed was in a heap so it would take him ages to iron. I have gone over and over this throwaway comment this morning and taken it as a criticism of everything I did achieve yesterday.

Sorry for rant. Our parents fuck us up - which poet said that?

I am a normal parent I think.

My childhood wasn't great. My parents split when I was two. My brother and I were witnesses to their violent relationship during our early years. My dad got custody, my mum got visitation rights but moved to the other end of the country so I went through my childhood with no idea she existed. My dad got together with my mums best friend and I was brought up with her three older kids as my siblings.

Lots of stuff happened in my childhood, abuse from two family members at a young age over a period of four years. My brother had regular meltdowns and was hit by my father, with me often trying to protect him. My step mum was obsessed with cleaning and the five of us were pretty much banished outside from morning to bedtime excluding meal times which were a whole other story. They fought a lot and I am sure there was some domestic violence.

When i was 12 my mum came back on the scene and blew my world apart. Suddenly my step mum wasn't my Actual mother and my siblings weren't my actual siblings except my own brother. Things were hugely bitter and I had to listen to all sorts of stories about what he did and she did etc. She had drinking issues and when drunk would say awful stuff to me.

Anyways, I don't think my childhood was the worst but I certainly don't think it was the best.

I don't think I was a great parent with my first two dc. I was 19 and 21 respectively and still very much an insecure child. I tried my best but always doubted myself. I was hugely strict and very impatient which was my own upbringing. I was also married to a stoner and drinker, we had many volatile arguements and I was miserable most of the time. I found it hard to show affection with the girls once they got passed babyhood which is another childhood thing I believe, there was no affection when we were kids. I also found it hard to play with them and their toys. I think that was because I never really played as a child, I was a very early reader (from toddler age) and spent most of my childhood reading books, away in my own world.

By the time I had my two boys, at 23 and 25, I was more confident in my parenting skills, more laid back. I stopped being quite so strict with the girls. A year and a half ago I was diagnosed with pmdd and put on the mini pill which helped control my depression and irritability. A year ago I split with my ex and life has totally changed for the better.

I am more playful with the kids now, more understanding. We tell each other we love each other and whilst I am still not the most hug and kiss type of person, I do show affection more and in other ways too. I am still strict though not as bad as I was and I still get stressed and shout sometimes but overall I am happy with the parent I am today and I know I am a lot better than my parents were with us five children.

OP, I agree with counselling. I know I struggled with my girls as much as I did because ultimately I was so scared they wouldn't love me. I went into overkill with them because I thought that having well behaved children that ate and slept etc meant I was a good parent and not like my mother which I often had flung at me in my teebs when my stepmum didn't like my behaviour...you are just like her. The fact of the matter is your issues are stopping you from being the parent you want and deserve to be and counselling could help with that. I think when you have a bad childhood you grow up with the feeling that you don't deserve to be loved, you carry the feeling that deep down there must be something wrong with you. All things counselling can help with.

I have only just reached the stage in my life when I feel ready for counselling. I attempted to go a couple of months ago but unfortunately childcare issues got in the way of completing the sessions. I will say the few sessions I had helped. I am finally starting to believe that I am not a bad person that deserved to have my mother walk out on me, deserved to be abused and deserved to be disbelieved when I told my parents. I am finally starting to believe that I deserve to be loved and not be verbally abused and hit like in all three of my serious relationships. And believing that is helping me to give love more, stop pushing people away including my own children because ultimately their rejection of me would hurt me deeper than any other.

Very long post but in summary you aren't stuck with the way you are now. You aren't a bad parent because for a start, you care whether or not you are. Give counselling a go and try to accept that there isn't such a thing as a perfect parent. We all get it wrong sometimes.

Question for groundhog101 and any other people who are having / have had successful therapy: how did you go about getting this? Through the NHS or privately? Where did you go to find a therapist? How much did it cost?

The counselling I had was at my local surgery, it cost £10 a session.

Private - but covered by insurance, ran in to tens of thousands.

I found mine through www.bacp.co.uk/ can't remember the cost though.

Agree with alpine that is horrible to have, but it needs to be. I used to not go home straight after mine as DS would ask how it went and I couldn't talk about it, so used to go and cry in the car somewhere first.

Don't judge yourself against other peoples parenting by what you see - that is just a snapshot and doesn't mean they are always like that. Every parent has good days and bad days, no matter what their background. And the very fact you are posting about it means you have self awareness and willingness to be the best parent you can, so you are already ahead of the game.

Groundhog, you are as I was when my children were small. I have struggled with parenthood, which I found a burden. This came as a such a shock as I looked forward very much to being a mother.

I did my best, just as you are doing. When DD2 leaves home I will miss her but I will also feel I have finally come up for air.

When one reads MN posts one gains the impression of on one side the lovely Mummies whose children eat what they are given, play nicely and do as they are told, and on the other mothers who struggle, exhausted through every day. Remember that there are MNers who have enjoyed parenthood and done all the right things only for their DC to kick it all over as teenagers.

Finding distractions helped. When my children were young this meant getting out and about as much as possible, even into the garden - anything but being stuck in the house. Walks, puddle jumping, going to the park, indoor play areas, swimming, having friends to play, holidays when we could afford it.

Good luck with the therapy. You do not have to be a perfect mother, you just have to be good enough.

A quick thing that came up in my cbt that helped me when I panic that I'm doing it the same as my parents is that I need to try to look at the differences between my children's experience and mine rather than the similarities. I had a week in hospital when dd was two and panicked that she'd be messed up by it because my mum had been in hospital. My mum was in hospital for two years during which time I was passed between pillar and post. I was in hospital for a week during which my dd was on holiday being looked after by her father, adored grandparents and aunt and uncle. I could go on, but do you see what I mean? You are already hugely different from your parents. The more I am separate from mine, the more I see the differences and the more "fleas" ie beliefs, habits and behaviour patterns I shake off. Better news for dc2 and 3 than dd1 but I am changing, acknowledge where I've gone wrong and move on.