dh was yelling at ds1 for not having his spelling....

[stitch]

and among the things he said were

why cant you and your mother do a simple task like remembering your spelling list.

you will have to earn money when you are older. no one will feed you. unlike your mother

both you and your mother should get jobs so you can learn some responsibility.

ds is not even 9 yet.

You need to leave before things get worse. I think your son is more important than your feelings about being a divorcee.

Stich, your husband sounds just like my father.

My mum was afraid of him and also afraid of how we would cope if she left him, so she decided to stay and put up with it.

As a result, I had a very difficult childhood and even now, at the age of 34, with a wonderful husband and four beautiful children of my own - i still struggle to come to terms with my upbringing.

Also, although I came to hate my father and had very little to do with him after I left home, I also hold a great deal of resentment and anger towards my mother. She let us all down really by continuing to subject us to this man and I really wish she had been stronger and left him. Even now, I would say that it has quite a detrimental effect on our relationship

I know it's hard love, but I think you should leave for your childrens sake.

That is awful speaking to a child like that How do you stay with someone like that?I feel for both of you but esp your ds as he is powerless to get out of the situation and needs you to take the lead

Stitch, I have met you and you are a gorgeous woman. Dont ruin your and your childrens likfe by staying with this man.

I can't advise you what to do but just to let you know my father died when we were very little and my mother brought us up as a single on very little money and in a dilapidated house.

Even though we struggled we had a very happy childhood as my mother was/is completely selfless. Being a single mum is not the end of the world and doesn't mean your child won't have a nice childhood.

should say "single mother".

Hi stitch, I have to agree with beetroot. I've only met you twice, but you are a beautiful woman and you seem so confident, you need to stop taking this crap. Even if you don't want to leave him, he can't carry on thinking this is acceptable behavior. You don't even need telling this though - you were giving me advice, you know exactly what you should be doing.

Stitch leave him. I was brought up in a situation like this and it leaves marks. The public persona thing is nasty, it means he is being deliberately and conciously vile like my dad did.

All of us (kids) were hampered socially due to not wanting to bring any friends home due to not knowing what might kick off. My sis and I both had abusive relationships (no longer though (proud emoticon) and one of my brothers won't accept any gifts, help from anyone due to the it's my house type stuff that my dad used to pull.

He is choosing to behave like this and you and your child deserve better. I am considering therapy now because I still have a lot of unresolved issues.

Stitch I am a single mother, was previously in a crap relationship. It was really hard to leave but am far far happier now.
My only regret was not doing it sooner, honestly.

My mum was a single mum and it was great not having the tension I could feel in other peoples houses.

stitch,

are you by any chance Asian? also, why did you have him arrested?

omg
totally overwhelmed by all this support.
and ive got guests coming any moment now.

yes, i am asian. so yes, that does play a big part in the divorce thing.
the arrest was because he was hitting me. he hasnt done so since.

stitch,

can't add any more to the excellent advice given by other MNetters, but I think perhaps you should seek out an Asian women's group for more support. I think you probably have some cultural problems to deal with, and they might help with that. I don't know where you live, but a google search would turn them up. I agree with everyone that it's very hard on your son, but I think as an Asian woman, you probably would have no family support if you left your DH. Am I right?

I am Indian myself. I am also a journalist and recently did a story on Asian women forced into marriage by their families. Many of them were only 14 or 15, but found the courage to escape and build new lives despite being disowned by their families. There is help out there if you want to find it.

poppadum, if i left for the right reasons, i would have the support of my parents and sisters. all that counts basically.
but i would have to have a proper plan. and basically to do that, i need to stop being such a wimp.

Stitch, what a horrible horrible situation to be in. But you control it.

My mum stayed with my Dad aftering wanting to leave just after my brother was born - she finally left when we were 16 & 18. My childhood was built on lies, nothing I thought was real was. It just a mask my mum was putting up.

My brother took years of abuse (mental mainly but some physial) from my father over homework in particular - my father even threatened to leave home if my brother dared to bring homework home.

We both have massive unresolved issues as a result of the tormenting that went on at home, and I struggle parenting my DS as a result.

I can understand your concerns and fears, but there is a bigger picture to look at as well. Wouldn't you parents see mental abuse of you and your son as a valid reason for leaving?

(thats rhetorical you don't have to answer)

H x

Stitch, if you need support to make that proper plan, you know where to look - there are loads of women on here who've been in your situation () and know it can be better, and loads more who know it can be better - tap into that strength, if not for your sake, then for the sake of your son.

Thinking of you - do it soon, sweetheart x x x

Stitch,

My friend's family are from Pakistan originally and she had an arranged marriage. Her husband treated her appallingly (she was mentally abused soon after becoming married) but she managed to get out of this abusive relationship and divorced him. Like your husband his public persona was far different to his private one.

Being a divorcee in such a culture is difficult but its far better for you and your son to be happier and living without the fear and shame that abuse brings. Your son will learn, and is learning, about relationships from you two - you are his primary influence when it comes to relationships. What are you both (particularly his dad) teaching him?. Many damaging lessons are being learnt here and he may carry them through to adulthood.

You can leave - the only one ultimately stopping you from going is YOU. Not him or anyone/anything else. I could also tear all your arguments for staying with him to bits but Cod has done that already. I would fully agree with all that she has written.

You can choose also to bury your head in the sand - your son cannot.

Stitch,
I don't know you but I feel sad for you and your predicament. Just wanted to say I agree with all the other advice hear that to leave would be better in the end than to stay. As regards the asian culture and attitudes to divorce thing, you are living in European/British/ multicultural society where divorce and single parenthood are part of the fabric of life with millions of people in the same position You will not be judged on it. Don't be too hard on yourself.

How are you, Stitch?

delayedreaction.this morningi amacompletemess.been yelling and screaming atthekids. floodsoftears.ds1 saidhehadpoohed himself coz dd was taking too long in the toilet. for some reason he didnt go to the downstairs toilet. he is almost 9
yesterday ds2 poohed himself in school. apparently noone noticed either. he had dried pooh down his legs, his shoes when i picked him up. phoned up dh and told him about the boys, and he said why, so i said it was porbly the stress of being told they werent going to be fed, so he said he wasnt going to listen tot his rubbish. so i screamed at him to get out o fmy life and through the phone at the telly and started crying. dd came up whining. i pushed her away, told her to go away, and ds1 gave me big hug to help me calm down as he often does. dd started crying. ds2 asked her why she was crying, she told him it was coz mummy doesnt like her anymore.
horrible horrible morning. have got the boys off to school. dd is happier now, and parked in front of cbeebies till 9.27 when i hav to take her to playgroup. and i have at least stopped crying. and the desier to scream has passed.
head in the sand again i think

the ppoing soudsn a reaction to severe sstress titch
:(

pleas eget help

you need to g o before he ( and you) inflict any mroe damage on these kdis.

stitch, so sorry to hear this. You and your kids don't deserve this, please get some help.

Stitch. Have been reading this thread and feel much sympathy for you.

I used to work with women suffering abuse and an organisation that we used to refer minority ethnic women to was Southhall Black Sisters. Their tel number is : 020 8571 9595, open Mon-Fri 10am to 5pm. Website: www.southallblacksisters.org.uk.

If I remember rightly, you live in Sutton. I used to work for Sutton Women's centre who have a DV support service. Tel: 020 8661 1991.

Good luck with whatever you do and I agree with Cod about you children and their reactions to the stress