Is it wrong/inappropriate to expect instant obedience in certain circumstances?

[sparkle12mar08]

This is more a pressure release rant than anything else but I'm very interested in your opinions on obedience & speed of response to instructions/requests.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I'd like my children (ds1 6, ds2 4) to do what I ask them, when I ask them to do it. I'd like not to have to ask/tell them ten times before they begin to move. I'd like not to feel like a screaming banshee six days out of seven. I try and be as reasonable and as firmly calm as I can every day, but it just feels so relentless, so very very wearing. And I'm tired, every day I'm physically and mentally exhausted. And I'm beginning to really fear the next six weeks. I actually ended up crying on a friends shoulder this morning from stress and adrenaline after a nightmare morning with ds2 at ds1's end of year assembly. I'm afraid I'm turning into shouty-mum who micro manages their every move with a running commentary of "don't do that, put it down, keep up please, we have to go, because I said so" etc. etc.

I just need a break, a little break without them. Even just a weekend would keep me going for a few more weeks. Please tell me this gets better as they get older? That eventually they'll do stuff just because it's the right thing to do?

Sparkle I really feel for you and definitely turned into a harpy this morning trying to get my 2 to CM/school on time . So I can't offer anything concrete in the way of hope, but I didn't want your post to go unanswered.

Don't forget they're likely to be knackered because it's the end of term as well.

Hope things improve - have a .

oh it is trying, isn't it. Like many parents I try very hard (and often fail) not to be a shouty mummy. And unfortunately, it's not very easy to get a break from being a parent. In any case, I find that when I have had to be away for work, I come back to extra bad behaviour...

I have found it helpful to read a book called How to talk so children will listen. Not that I manage to put all the advice in practice all the time, but it did make me realise that I needed to do things differently if I wanted DS's behaviour to change.

And yes there are circumstances where I demand (and usually get) absolute instant obedience. If we are anywhere near moving traffic, 'Car Park Rules' apply. And not doign exactly what I say when he's on his bike means we walk home immediately.

Second that book bearhug, and also second that I can't put it into practice all the time .

OP, I just posted more or less what you just posted, on another Parenting thread. My DCs are similar ages to yours (nearly 6 and 3yo)

I feel like the Invisible Woman most of the time. I say things over and over, again and again, and just get ignored, or at best, whinged at. Am off to read 'How to Talk..' again, cos I am worn out and fed up with the sound of my own voice.

Tonight I told DH (who has been working late recently), that I am actually considering not bathing the kids unless he is here to do it, because I just can't cope with another traumatic evening. End. Of. Tether.

Thank you for listening. It's heartening to know I'm not the only one!

It's the general defiance that drives me wild. And sometimes it's not even defiance, it's just lacksadaisical not concentrating properly for ds1. I know it's exacerbated by end-of-term-itis but it just makes me rage. I just do not want to have to repeat myself. We do the whole natural consequences thing - so if I say you've got five minutes to get dressed before we miss going to the park, and they don't manage it, then we just don't go, but it's the whole school run thing that winds me up and they're not old enough to be totally responsible for themselves for school yet - I'm the adult and I have to bear it. I also think that I have to change my reactions to the trigger situations - I'm not him (ds1), he makes his choices, and so I try to see it as not personal but lordy it's hard sometimes.

And ds2 has just about broken me today. Minutes after I posted the thread he decided he wasn't going to his nursery leavers funday and started to do his whole holding onto the furniture trick. Not a massive crying meltdown but he was a bit wingey and upset. Twenty minutes of coaxing and reasoning wasn't working and we were already 30mins late so I said okay if that's what you really want we'll stay home and I'll phone in. He literally laughed in my face and said "I'm only joking mummy!" with absolute devilment in his grin. I've never felt lower since the immediate post natal weeks and ended up crying and screaming at him that it wasn't bloody funny though He realised he'd gone too far and so off we went, only for us to get there and he then refused to go in. I almost threw him at his keyworker (who was so understanding) just to get out of there.

We have How To Talk so I think I'll try and have another read of it next week (we have a week in our caravan and DH knows he's got to do some loooong cycle rides with them!). I don't want life to squash the spirit or strength out of either of them, but I want them to understand that sometimes there are rules and they have to be obeyed. Preferably this side of the next millenium...

My DC are 8yo and 10yo and yes, it does get easier. I wouldn't say that they do what I tell them to do, but some things just get to be a habit and there is not so much dithering about getting out of the house.

I would say, don't threaten anything that you cannot follow through, or that will actually make things harder for you if you follow them through (such as not going out).

Do you do everything for them, or do they have some things to do themselves? Sometimes that helps, having them take responsibility for their own actions.

Being organised the night before helps, so that you aren't runnign around in the morning shouting at them to get their bags/shoes/dinner money..

Our shouty neighbour moved out and I seem to have taken the role of ranty parent ...

I was given the tip of setting out the rules early, articulating what exactly you require from them (ito behaviour) and then the kicker of what you plan to do if they don't comply ... The other issue is ro have a carrot Nd ro five rhem the incentive to do as you ask.

I am trying to be so positive these 6 weeks but I was already yelling at him as he left rhe school gates ....

oh, and the most important piece of advice.

Pick your battles.

Don't get hung up on unimportant stuff. Save your energy for the big battles.

I have a code word which means that it is imperative that dd does exactly as I say immediately. She's 3, but I use it sparsely and drum it in to her so it has worked so far.

With everything else, I just wing it. Usually with shouting and clenched fists.