My Best friend's son is mean to mine

[wilderumpus]

What do you do when your friend's son behaves badly toward yours? Both are 2.7. I parent in a UP manner, but am firm with boundaries, whereas my friend is a bit wishy washy and gives in to her son's tantrums so really, he gets away with all sorts.

I stepped in and took over parenting the other child for a while when he was nasty to my son, but this became too often and I felt bad for taking over my friend's authority/being bossy. But now he grabs my sons face/snatches his toys just to throw them over the fence/hits and it is too much, to the point where DS is telling other people about his nasty experiences, and they say 'tell your mum?' and he says I know and it just shows my bad judgement I think :(

Shall I stop seeing my friend or does anyone have experience of how to deal with this? My friend is due baby no. 2 any day and I worry I will end up parenting her DS while he hits my DS and will be frought.

My DS loves her son and looks forward to seeing him! And I love my friend!

Only see the friend when the children aren't present. If you're good friends you can be as candid as you feel able about why. Or you can go for the cop-out 'we can have a better chat when the kids aren't around'. There will come a point when they grow up a bit and learn how to play better and then you can reconnect as families. No point putting your child in a situation where he's being smacked and you're getting stressed.

maybe you could ask your friend how she is feeling about these things and whether she is struggling...you could say that you have been telling her DS off and you wonder that maybe it is not what she wants??? (her job not yours??) that you don't want to upset her but have felt that you had to step in, etc
She may then tell you she is struggling and maybe is glad that you are handling it and she maybe is a bit lost about how to deal with it and both of you can talk about it openly...
Try to stay supportive and make sure she knows you are there to help her address these issues with her DS.
This sort of behaviour is quite normal and common at this age but it has to be addressed correctly....
I suppose you need to take it forward from there and you won't know until you discuss it with her how she is going to react....I would hope that she can understand where you're coming from and want to sort it out.....she is nearly due DC2 so she is likely all over the place emotionally and maybe won't feel so reasonable....but I'd urge you to be forgiving and let the dust settle and just carry on as usual and step in when you feel you must....she will see the big picture at some point and hopefully get back to you and discuss it again

what we talk about parenting our DCs all the time, she is definitely not coping that well with her DS (he is 'challenging' misundestood?) but is prone to a shout and time out rather than understanding his feelings. And if he is bad to my son she just says how nasty he is and how lovely my DS is which just exacerbates the situation!

I have tried talk to her about these things but obviously walking on eggshells as in no way would say my parenting ideas are superior or hers inferior. Lordy no. She has been happy for me to intervene and talk sternly to her DS when needed (as I feel I need to defend my DS) and also she would do the same with mine if he was being out of order and she saw it and not me.

We can't see each other in the evenings, we are both too knackered and spending time with DHs. And she is due to pop any day now anyway!

cog am interested that you implicitly agree that I should stop the kidlings being together. I thought as much too and today signed up for a new playgroup to meet other mums and kiddies

Is so sad. Is sad I can't see my friend any more, is sad that her DS is so mean to mine that he is dwelling on it, sad i am pissed off that my friend won't parent her DS properly and sad that i let it go on so long I suppose.

maybe you could write her a letter, be very honest about where this situation has you and your DS feeling and how difficult things feel for you and DS....sometimes people just don't pick up on things properly during a chat and general situ....maybe she can address the situation when she realises how much this is effecting your friendship and that there has to be a limit to how long this has been continuing with no real improvement...that you value your friendship but are feeling you have to make choices because of it and you want to be supportive and help her with this, etc

Do you think that might jog the issue enough that she will realise the weight of the issues?...sometimes it can really make all the difference and might really penny drop for her

perhaps she does know her DS behaviour is difficult but is feeling very negative about her DS??? It does sound that she is, calling her child nasty and shouting...she may have bonding issues and has given up trying positively...do you think her relationship to her DS is negative?...her DS may very well be an upset, distressed child if he is not feeling his mother approves or likes him much, shouting and ignoring etc...it's bound to reflect in his behaviour and I can understand his anger and aggressiveness if this is the case...

She may be needing some counselling and help with her emotional feelings for her child....it does sound as though there may be alot more going on here...????

hey what thanks for you time and thoughts.

The letter wouldn't work but I might have to say the reason we can't meet up if she texts me. Or I might agree to meet and say that if her DS does anything to make my DS unhappy we will leave straight away (not in the cross way that sounded!). That is sad though because it punishes and isolates her (and me!)

you are spot on with your analysis of my friend and her DS. Is heartbreaking to watch. She thinks he is a brat and says so to him and always compares him to other kids, when he is just really incapable of sitting still and playing - which is not odd at all for a toddler :( is all very sad to watch but what can I say? I make noises about it and lead by praising her DS lots when he is behaving etc but... really he needs to feel his mum is there for him. arf. And she is going to hve another baby! it will have such a terrible affect on her DS.

the thing is, I can't really say or do anything without being mrs nosy judgeypants. And tbh I have had enough of her son too! I try to see beyond the behaviour and understand but when he hits me too... arf.

I have offered to look after this child when my friend goes into labour. Dreading it.

yes, it def sounds like a hornets nest...I wonder if it is all about this mother though and not maybe about her DS having behavioural issues that need looking into and assessed maybe and she hasn't considered this yet but maybe has been wondering....in the meantime is exhausted, lost and negative about it all...sadly towards her DS too....

I think maybe you have done as much as you can for now and you need to distance yourself from things. It is very sad but you have obviously been trying to be supportive and advisory...not much more you can do.

Does she have a partner/DH?...is he approachable? Could you make your concerns known to him maybe? One way or the other it will need to be addressed...I assume the DS is due to start nursery place too....this may highlight and help to assess things too???

I wonder that you should pull out of taking care of her DS when she has her baby?...this spells alot of issues for you and esp. your DS....maybe you should bow out now...she must have family or her DH/P will simply have to take paternity leave or whatever...it's not your responsibility and they should find an alternative....

I'm sorry it's a horrible situation to watch and not be able to help but think of your own situation and do whats right for your own family first....don't feel guilty..

All the best and maybe mention it to her HV in confidence?...highlight it to someone who may be in a better position to deal with it maybe....???...then leave it and keep your distance

....enjoy your summer!!

aw, thanks. her DH is lovely, but very happy-happy and has a brilliant relationship with their DS because he does parent in a calmer way and is more accepting of the son, warts 'n' all, you know? I don't think he would get it.

I don't think my friend has 'issues' really, but I do think she just doesn't understand her child and his needs and clearly wishes she had mine! I try to tell her that my DS is a different person, that her DS is lovely but just needs a bit more guidance but she seems to think her DS is inherently bad and mine good (he is not!). God it's depressing.

I will only be looking after her DS when she is in actual labour, while her parents drive down to take over. I haven't looked after her child ONCE while she has been pg (have had my own issues too, but ug her DS just comes over and wrecks my house, hurts my DS, throws his food around, helps himself to stuff in my cupboards... It is so hard to deal with!) so I have been keeping distance. Today I just realised that if her DS is even having a go at mine when I am not there... it is too much and it has to stop.

thanks for listening :)

Once she has the new baby she is really going to need some support - with a challenging toddler AND a new baby it sounds as if she will be having a tough time. Perhaps you can see a her a little less and perhaps you can aim to meet out and about or at hers so that your house isn't trashed?? In all likelihood the little boy will improve in time, but it isn't going to be over the next few months while she has the new baby. As she is such a good friend I would do my best to keep seeing her (albeit slightly less and on neutral ground) as she is going to need a good friend during the tough months ahead.

You might also be surprised how as the boys approach 3 and reach the stage where proper friendships start to develop that their relationship changes completely and they become firm friends. I had similar thing with my DS and a close friend of mine's son. Her DS was awful to my DS and like you I found it a bit tough spending time with them as my DS would spend much of the time crying or cowering on my lap. Once they turned 3 there was a HUGE change and they are now the funniest little pair of pickles getting into all sorts of trouble - together.

My DD1 was a very challenging toddler. There were definite times when I just WISHED she could be more like other people's children - didn't wish I actually had their children though.... Bizarrely she is now a very sensitive and emotional 7 yr old, not exactly how I would have predicted her character would develop.

thanks nelly. You are right and i will try to be there for her. I find it hard sometimes though when she seems at a loss at what to do (not bothered?) while I try to negotiate her DS and my DS and am taking all the flak. I find it stressful. I am not a natural childcare provider :) I absoultely am aware that this is a phase, he is in terrible twos, but they start at 18mths and are gettign worse! he is a lovely little boy when he wants to be.

they won't turn three together sadly as we are moving far, far away at the end of the year. i think this is why am sort of 'cut my losses' about it, and haven't sought other friendship groups here. We will start again when we move, DS will start nursery and it will all be different.

It was just a shock to me to realise that my behaviour and wants (to see my friend and for DS to play with his 'friend') was so wrong and selfish :(

It's not wrong and selfish!

You are trying to do two things at once, have a nice meet up with a friend and also facilitate a playdate between two toddlers.
If it is to become less stressful you need to concentrate on the toddlers if you want to meet up. Play with them and show and encourage the behaviour you want, I don't think that toddlers of this age play together anyway, they just happen to be in the same room! Keep changing the activity so they don't get bored.
If you are on the ball and try to deflect and pre empt unwanted behaviour you will not need to discipline as often.
This strategy will hopefully mean you can feel you have had a happy and positive playdate and as they get older they will be able to play together leaving you and friend free for a chat!

thanks mantle! unfortunately that is NOT going to happen! I am rather a happy clappy hands-on parent, my friend is very much 'leave them to it' and would think I was mad for giving them special timed activities. We do give them stuff to do but he just snatches my DS's stuff away or hits him regardless. I don't think the other child really knows how to play properly? And gets bored super quickly.

And sadly we do discipline often. Is awful, we watch and wait then step in, gently reprimand, watch and wait and can barely talk or relax. My friend only knows how to tell her DS off, rather than teach him how to behave in a desirable manner other than 'see what Babywilde is doing, be more like that and not such a brat!'

I decided today to leave it up to my DS actually. My friend wanted to meet today and I said to DS would he like to see X and do soft play (we won't go to the child's house) and suprisingly he was very keen. we didn't in the end but I think if DS wants to then we will, if not, we won't... and if the friend's child kicks off at him we will leave :)