DH doesn't want any more children. I do. Now what?

[maybejusttheone]

We've got one DS (21 months). We've been saving all the baby stuff and talked in general terms about 'if we had another then...' etc. A the weekend I raised it more specifically. DH said 'it's a possibility', but when we talked about it a bit more he came up with lots of reasons why he didn't want to, and concluded with saying 'I just don't know if I want another'.

I can't make him have a baby, and it obviously has to be something that we both agree on, but I feel so sad about the thought of not having any more and DS not having any siblings. But then I feel guilty about being selfish and thinking that DS is not 'enough' (I don't really think that, this is no reflection on DS, he is amazing, but I feel like I am being disloyal to him by wanting another when DH is content with just him, iyswim).

I just don't know what to do next, I either need to persuade DH that two would be great, or come to terms with the idea that our family is complete. Feeling very :(

What have others done in this situation? (it can't just be me?!)

Firstly don't feel guilty about not giving your LO siblings - there's lots of evidence that being an only can be wonderful for a child (as well as lots of reasons why siblings can also be great). Maybe you could both agree to have the conversation again in a years time? That takes the pressure off & your DH might even be more open to it when your LO is a little older & life is more manageable.

You're not alone. We are in the same boat. We have a ds(3.5) and a dd(11 weeks). I want another and he wants a vasectomy. He has given me lots of reasons why he doesn't want a third but all I can offer is our family doesn't feel complete to me yet and I really want one. I love the two we already have so much and they keep me very busy but I can't shift that feeling there should be one more, maybe in a few years. I'm afraid I can't offer help but await others answers. Good luck, op, I hope you and your dh can find a way to all be happy.

You're going to have to sell this one in and handle DH's objections one by one. If they are practical matters like finances, broken nights, childcare arrangements, enough space in the home, etc. anticipate them and put thought-out solutions forward. Emotional objections - for example, if your relationship wasn't going well - are much more difficult to handle.

My DH was always content with dd1, I always wanted more, but I agree with you it's something we both needed to agree on - so I always stayed on contraception.

DD1 was conceived on the pill, so I went onto depo injection. It worked for approx 5 years then DD2 put in appearance

DH dotes on her too

I had a mirena coil fitted after dd2 and it only took 2 years for that to fail me and ds1 put in an appearance in August last year as a tiny

I sympathise. My DS is about to turn two and I'm ready to try for #2, but am still arguing the toss with my DH. I think he does want to have a second and we will go for it fairly soon, but we had a long chat about it the other day and it was interesting to hear his perspective. He says that he really, really did not enjoy the baby stage, and he's enjoying being a dad far more now that DS finally sleeps through is a robust little boy who loves rough and tumble and can go for a kickaround in the park etc etc - DH felt like a bit of a spare part for at least the first few months when DS was glued to me most of the time. HE's a bit daunted about going back to that stage again - sleepless nights etc. However as I pointed out, next time round he'd have a very important role with DS of entertaining him etc while I had a small baby clamped to me all day.

I'm just sharing this really in case it's the same for you - your partner can't face the baby stage again. If so, try reminding him it would be quite different second time round with a toddler in the mix, and the baby stage doesn't really last long.

Thank you for the replies - it is helpful to hear about other's experience. Babylon1 you must have very determined children ;)

I have come up with solutions to some of his practical objections, such as sleeplessness and childcare, but he is worried about my health and potential new baby's health. We had a difficult birth with DS and, without going into detail, DH thought for a few minutes that he might lose both of us (we are both fine now!), so I can understand why he doesn't want to go through that again. I suggested that we go and talk it through with GP or a midwife, but he just said that nobody can promise that nothing will go wrong - which is true, I suppose.

DH is a worrier by nature, and sees all the potential problems with a plan, which often stops him from making a decision at all for fear of making the wrong one. DS was a surprise :) and one which we were/are over the moon with, but I sometimes wonder whether we would ever have gotten round to making a positive decision to have children if it hadn't just happened.

Perhaps another heart to heart to try to understand his postion and then a 'let's leave it and talk again in a few months' is what is needed.

Maybejusttheone, you don't know how true that is!! Strong willed little monkeys too!!

If he's concerned about your health and things went very wrong, would he feel calmer if a elective c-section was an option? If things went wrong last time round, they are likely to agree to it this time round and a planned and managed birth might be best. Not the best for you, but I know a couple who are only having their 3rd DC because the W agreed to ecs - her DH just couldn't face seeing her in pain again and feeling helpless, so this was the only way he'd agree to another DC.

It might be best to shelve it for a while, if he's not averse to another DC, just to the birth then perhaps talking through the birth options and ways to avoid the same mistakes (or even, talking about costs of going private if that's an option for you) might make him feel it's something managable.

Also, if you are 100% certain that he would like another DC if the fear of the birth/the fear of the practicalities (which you are 100% certain you can cope with, not just think "oh it'll be fine")/fear of not making the right choice is stopping him, then another 'accident' is not a bad plan.

C-section might be an option. Not my ideal, but if it made the difference between having DC2 and not then I can give on that one. And I hadn't thought of going private, I'll look into that too (I do like that idea )

I don't think the door is closed just yet, and feel more optimistic after reading your replies. Thank you :)

Lots of men fear they won't love the next one as much as they do the first. I know my dh did. When the next one arrived he realised he was wrong but it did take him longer to get to know her because I was much more confident and he was very busy at work. If that is a concern then talking to other dads who have more than one is the way to help with that one
If you had a hard birth then it's understandabe that he wants to quit whilst he's ahead but there are ways to help him come to terms with that as have been suggested. Did you ever have a debrief from the hospital team? If not that might be an idea anyway and he could come along too.

We did have a debrief, and DS had regular check-ups with the paedeatrician who was on duty the night he was born until DS was discharged a few months ago. We weren't at the stage of thinking about having another at the time, but they did say there would be no reason not to. I do think it would be helpful to get a medical point of view, and to talk through the risks and options for a second birth. I might see if I can persuade him to come to the GP(? or midwife?) to talk it through.

Perhaps I should send him out for a couple of beers with some of his friends who have 2+ DC - although the subject of children probably wouldn't even come up as they'd be too busy talking about rugby, cars, and obscure '80s bands! Good idea though, I could suggest he has a chat with some friends about it.

He's currently 'thinking', so I am trying to give him some space to do that, the more I nag the less appealing the idea is going to be!

Your situation actually sounds more promising than mine: "I just don't know if i want another" leaves room for discussion at some point in the future imo. Contrastingly, "No. I absolutely don't want another and i won't change my mind so please don't try to" (which is what i'm currently dealing with) slams the door firmly shut. Every time i even get the tiniest glint in my eye he says "No. Don't even think about it." Tbh though, i never even thought i'd have one, let alone that he'd be so perfect, so i'm counting myself very lucky indeed

My advice? DOn't say anything for another 3-6 months, let him think it's gone away and then get him pissed and ask him. My DH is always more amenable to a discussion when he's had a

matana, I did think this morning that I should be grateful for what I've got, my DS is amazing and we are so lucky.

I can't see why these men can't just agree with us though, instead of having a different opinion, very frustrating

My DH and I are in the reverse. He would like another child and I am really not sure whether I do or not. I was sick and hospitalised towards the end of my pregnancy and while I had an easy birth and DD was an easy new born, I have found trying to work out a balance between work and home difficult.

Your DH hasn't ruled it out has he? He just perhaps needs more time to decide/adjust.

My DP says to anyone who will listen that we will never have another one but doesn't object to me keeping moses basket and other small baby things just incase and has said a few times when DS is being difficult 'next time we better get a good sleeper' and the likes. I had a terrible labour too and DP has said he can never see me go through that again i told him i would only have another if i had section he said that would be best but when i approch it directly he give it 'no chance ones enough' Men!

Watching with interest... I am desperate for another, DP says 'No' (not 'maybe', 'no') I'm planning to keep quiet about it for a while and then approach him again when DS is a little bigger and sleeping better and the memories of those exhausting first few months have faded, but will watch to see if anyone has any better advice.

WOuld you prefer to be the single parent of two children, with the posibility of dad never seeing dc2, or a family unit of two parents and one child?

Sorry I know that is harsh, but it is a possibility.

Your dh is right you cannot say 100% nothing will happen, and if he thought he'd lost you you have no idea what he went through.

If it is just worry about your health would he consider adopting?

Not really harsh sashh, I don't disagree - I only want another DC if DH is up for it too, that's why I said in my original post that if I can't persuade him then I need to find a way to come to terms with not having another.

He did mention adoption, but then he went on to talk about his worries about coping with 2. DS is getting easier every day though - e.g. he will sit still and draw for 5-10 minutes now, which he wouldn't do before - and if he starts sleeping properly (pleeeeease! - that's another thread, but also another reason DH is reluctant) then perhaps DH will come round. We shall see.

If he's worried about 'coping' then adoption is a bad idea - it's unlikely you'd get a baby, more likely a child older than your DS who by the very nature of the DCs who are put up for adoption, has come from a very bad background.

The fear of birth could be managed through ECS, have you looked into private options? It might be worth focussing on wanting a sibling for DS, talk about would he like DS to be 'alone with no family' after you both die.... Getting the early 'non sleeping' years out of the way in one hit rather than dragging it out might be a worthwhile argument...

I agree. I think the adoption process itself would be difficult enough to cope with, and that's before a child arrives. I have a lot of respect for people who do it but I don't think it is the answer in our situation. The fact he mentioned it though makes me think that maybe he isn't totally averse to no2.

I've made the point about DS being all alone when we go - and having to cope and worry about us all alone when we are old and senile - and also some other very good points (even though I do say so myself ) so I am letting them sink in at the moment. I like the point about getting the non-sleeping years out of the way all in one go though, I could throw that into the mix...