Don't know if I can do this

[Cosmo89]

Ds is 3 wks. He feeds frequently/cluster feeds during the day (so no chance of naps) and does not sleep well during the night. I am severely sleep deprived, and I know this, but tonight feels like a complete low. Once again, he isn't settling - he's v fractious , think its wind but we can't get it out of him and he's screaming. Has been for past 3 hours.
He last did this on Friday night and I feel like I've only just recovered (on 4hrs sleep on sat night) from that. I had to wake DP up, who is currently trying to wind him with no success.

I feel like I can't cope with this anymore. I'm finding it difficult to bond with him because I'm not getting any joy from this. I feel awful but I'm starting to get uncomfortable thoughts about how trapped I am, how I've now ruined my relationship by having a child, how things will never be the same, how I've placed DP in an impossible position (my wish to have children).
I know this is because I've had not slept in any way adequately for so long but I feel utterly hopeless.
I don't know even why I'm posting- its not like anyone can do anything. I just need to sleep, but don't see how that's going to happen withbDS being as he is and my inability to do anything to help.

Oh Cosmo, I really feel for you and I don't know if anything I write will help but its clearly early morning where you are and it's late evening here so at least I'm up.

Are you breastfeeding exclusively? Is there anyway that you can express and allow DP to feed baby? I know the cluster feeding is pretty brutual, my DS is 9 months and when he was born would cluster feed from 5pm - 11pm until he was a month. But by expressing and introducing a bottle it may help you get a chunk of a few more hours and you can work in shifts until baby settles.

Are you swaddling? I swore by the miracle blanket - we wrapped DS in this from day one only at night and he learned quite quickly that the swaddle meant night time which meant his long sleep (5 hours or so). I would also recommend perhaps practising the 5 s's, as shown in Harvey Karp's book, The Happiest Baby on the Block. You don't have to buy the book, just youtube his name to see how it works. Again, this depends on whether baby likes being swaddled but it does help with the wind because of the pressure on the belly.

You have NOT ruined your relationship, I promise you - pretty much everything you have written in your second paragraph is due to severe sleep deprivation, which is utterly destroying. The world feels like it is ending without much sleep, I know.

I remember thinking "shit, my life will never be the same again" when I had DS and you know what? Aside from the small loud little person that crawls around the house singing and trying to climb on the dogs, not much has changed.

Have you been out of the house much since you had your baby? It might be worth just heading out and getting some fresh air in both your lungs, I know the weather isn't great there but even a walk around the block will do wonders and will also help with your confidence.

I hope anything that I've written will help you and your DP - the first month turns everything upside down, not to mention the horrendous hormones. The night we got home with DS I sobbed uncontrollably for an hour after I got into bed. I felt so completely helpless in the face of this enormous task of bringing up this tiny, helpless infant. All I can say is that it does pass. Everything is just a phase. It will be so much more manageable when you get some sleep.

All the best x

PS. You can get the miracle blankets on Amazon - no velcro or zippers or anything that will make noise if baby needs a change in the middle of the night. Expensive but most definitely worth it. I have 4 of them and am saving them for the next baby.

Thanks pudgy.
Still up, he's still unsettled. Have changed tack and respondibg only to feeding cues / may have misread the wind issue. He is now v frenzied but still feeding. He's falling asleep at boob, and waking v quickly in gigantic rage.
Yup/ Ds is ebf so far. I am trying to express but my supply isnt quite up to it and Ds is v demanding so not having much luck in that respect.
He hates swaddling / have only tried with swaddling cloth- still, can't really justify spending on something hell probably hate/ he loves moving his legs and arms too much,

Feel utterly despondent that it looks like this is another night without any sleep. I was prepared for v little sleep but I need a bit at least. And who knows how long this will last for/ can't see an end in sight.

Sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. It will pass, but is utterly crap I know.

Is there anyone at all who could take your DS off you for a few hours during the day so you can get some sleep? At 3 weeks my DS wouldn't settle with me as could smell the milk, with others he was more relaxed.

Have you talked to a good HV about this? Just asking to rule out reflux - DS was really suffering with it (I just thought it was newborn fractiousness but a fab HV diagnosed it and now he's on meds and we haven't looked back).

Hang in there, be really kind to yourself. What you're feeling is totally normal - try not to add guilt too (hard I know).

Cosmo, it will get better. My DD is now 8 weeks, and the difference amazes me. I found the getting up every hour and the five hour long cluster feeds every night incredibly hard too, and often felt I was at breaking point.

Your relationship will be fine - this is such a tough time, and you need to just live in the moment I think. Have you tried taking DS to bed with you for a day, feeding while laying down, napping in between? Also, I really found getting out of the house helped me, alongside things to look forward to at the weekends etc. One of my best nights when DD was very little was visiting my parents, and DD falling asleep on one of them early in the evening. We knew taking her upstairs would probably wake her, so the family stayed downstairs for a bit (think it was only an hour and a half, maybe two?), allowing me to get an hour of undisturbed sleep - golddust!

I found it also helped to know when my darkest hours were mood wise - definitely between 1 and 3am - and be more gentle on myself then.

Also, my DD never liked swaddling in any form - it just didn't work. Have you tried a sleeping bag? I think that helped DD a bit - put her in one quite early.

This too shall pass...

Oh Cosmo you poor thing... The sleep deprivation is v hard there is no doubt about it! Can you contact your local authority infant feeding team for some support? Ours were great and actually did a home visit when DD was 4 days old and not latching correctly. Breastfeeding ended for us after 3 weeks but I expressed for most of that time and found I got best supply early in the day. Definitely get in touch with your health visitor too. I go to the mother and baby group at our local children's centre (it's free!) and one of the other mums was just saying the other day how helpful she found it in the very early days for moral support from other mums when she was sleep deprived and feeling low. There are also drop in weekly breastfeeding support groups in our borough, one almost every day in different areas. Also see if you can get on a baby massage course, great for bonding with baby and they do a colic/wind relief routine as part of the course. It might be hard to hear this now but things will get better... DH and I were only saying yesterday that the first couple of months seems like so long ago now and how much easier things are now (DD is 4.5 months)

I completely understand your pain Cosmo, my DD feeds v frequently, and when not feeding is windy or crying... It feels exhausting, unrewarding and makes it very difficult at times to even like your baby, let alone bond with it...!

The things that make me feel better are if someone else takes her- so she can't smell my milk, if I take her out in the pram (even if it's just to the end of the street and back), or when I meet with other mums in similar situations (especially good as there's usually someone's baby who is even worse than yours when you think it couldn't be possible!!!!)

Suddenly things will turn the corner, you just have to try and nap (even if for 10 mins) whilst she's sleeping or if your DP has her.

You're not on your own, keep posting to vent, we're all here to help :)

Oh the first few weeks are so tough, esp when you're the only one responsible for feeding. In the next couple of weeks it should all click in to place for dec and you should start getting some sleep. Could dec be having a growth spurt? Mine used to fall asleep on me and then wake up in a rage a few mins later because they were still hungry. Sleepless nights are the worst, but I promise it will get better. You are not alone in feeling these things but will change your perspective once youve had a few nights sleep. I would def chat with your HV. Good luck.

Cosmo - you could be me a year or so ago. The first six weeks are awful. The second six slightly less awful then things start ti get better, I promise.

I agree you should check out reflux if he wint settle at all.

Mostly though, you and do have to give each other breaks. Take ds into lounge and cuddle him there while the other one gets some sleep. We would let ds sleep in pram downstairs with one of us on the couch to give the other one a break.

Definitely take a day and just cuddle, nap and feed as necessary and wherever possible get dp or other family/friends to help by taking him for an hour or two. I found also that I was too anxious to sleep properly so would nap on the couch while my mum cuddled ds while he slept.

It will get better. It's just very very hard in the beginning and you question whether even having the baby was a good idea. I know. But you will find it easier in time, I promise. Just try to endure and look after yourself for now.

Are you sure he is getting enough milk? Our doctor midwife & health visitor all told us to supplement with formula as I just wasn't making enough milk despite feeding pretty much round the clock every 1.5 hrs. The moment he got enough milk he was such a happy little thing & cries very little now.

At 3 wks baby is having a growth spurt which is the reason for the constant feeding. The next growth spurt is 6wks then 12 wks. It is tough but it will get better. My little man is 11wks today and it's only in the last week that I feel I'm getting the hang of it and he is my second. Get some naps in and forget everything else because sleep deprivation does not allow you to think straight. Your relationship will be fine. Yes it will come under strain but having a baby does that. Nora Ephron once wrote that having a baby is like throwing a grenade into a marriage/relationship. It's all new for everyone including the baby so hang tight, get some sleep and take each day as it comes and remember it will not feel like this forever.

Hi Cosmo, sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. I had exactly the same thoughts as you - I've ruined everything, we'll never get our old lives back etc. For the first few weeks, there wasn't a single day when DH and I didn't regret havng DS. He's 7mo now and the time has gone so quickly.

Do you have anyone nearby who can take him off your hands, even if just for an hour or so? One evenng my parents came over and drove round with him in the car for an hour so we could have a quiet meal together. It made all the difference in the world, and more importantly it was something we could look forward to.

I also found earplugs helped with the constant crying - not ignoring him, but they enabled us to be in the same room without wanting to chuck him against the wall . It also allowed me to get some sleep while DH did a shift.

Lastly, we found that a lambskin helped as they make the baby feel like he's lying on a person (warmth and so on).

Hope it gets better for you soon. It will, promise.