Do you ever feel your carrying your whole family ?

[daisygatsby]

Gosh. I've been crying all evening and Im not sure why. Sometimes I don't mind doing everything but other times it just gets on top of me.

Me and dp both work full time and we have a ds , 2. He's a clingy mammys boy. He does this thing of squeezing my boob as a comfort. Everyone thinks its funny but it's actually awful. I have no space. I feel terrible writing that.

Dp does thing of always asking if I want him to do something rather than just bloody doing it , so it's always on me.

Plus I'm worried about things financially.

Is this what being a mother is ?

Dp does thing of always asking if I want him to do something rather than just bloody doing it , so it's always on me. - my ex would do this too - it's such a cop-out. Tell him to think for himself.

Sorry, I didn't mean that to sound harsh, it is so infuriating the way some people won't take responsibility for their own actions - I do sympathise OP.

Yes me. I have to remember everything for everyone. DH does 50% of the manual work, but all the mental work, all the responsibility for school stuff, banking, shopping, birthdays, etc etc. And I have a very mentally taxing full time job. I keep asking DH to help and shoulder some of the responsibility, and he agrees, but it only ever lasts about a week. If I have to keep remembering everything so that I can remind him to remember it, what's the bloody point!?!

This is NOT what being a mother is. Or not what it should be. I don't know how to change it though.

That's ok fiveflowers. Its such a cop out thing to do. Another thing is , what can I do to help you or I'll wash the dishes for you. Its not FOR ME!! There everyone's bloody dishes!!

In terms of changing things annie - its so important that we do. I know my dps attitude comes from his mother and fathers relationship. So I can't have my ds repeating the same mistakes! I'm the same as you. I'll say something and it'll change for a while but never long term.

I'm exhausted

Another thing ! If I ask dp to do something he'll say ok, can you remind me about that tomorrow/next week. Agh! I'm reminding you now!!!

Time to hand over some of the responsibility to him I think. He's an adult and perfectly able to remember things for himself.

If he needs reminding, buy him a diary.

I've been there and I know how difficult it can be to let this responsibility go.

Yes, I have just started using the calendar in the kitchen! I think I do have a bit of a martyr complex and control freak so I do need to let go a bit.

i have had a revelation - im going to get a cleaner!! money is quite tight but i think i could afford it if it was only for a couple of hours.

also, im going to get a wall planner and put it in the kitchen so dp can find things out for himself without asking me!

I have this also. Came to a head on Saturday when I asked him to do two things and he accused me of having him running around all over the place .

If I start to do a job, he will then offer to do it - but I would really like him to see that it needs doing and do it first.

Aaaaaaaargh.

Yes, its the inability to 'just bloody do it' without asking that turns you into either a nag or a martyr.

its most, most, annoying.

In same boat too! Dreading going back to work in september full time after mat leave! I have 2 dcs but often feels like 3..,

Yes. It's madness here at the moment with a baby toddler and a husband that works hard out of the home, but does nothing in it. Arghhhh (not v helpful!)

I have the same. I actally told DH to leave yesterday because it would be easier to deal with 3DC rather than 4. It shocked him into realising just how bad things had become, but i've been fighting this battle for 5 years.

He's determined to improve, so we'll see how it goes.

Hi Daisy. It sounds like your DS is invading your personal space and actually hurting you. Don't feel bad for not loving that! My DD, nearly 4 still craves skin to skin contact and will knead and pull my upper arms and elbows and scratch me quite badly with her nails. My DH doesn't mind her doing it to him, and used to laugh at me minding but his skin is not as sensitive. I now draw a line at the scratching and pinching and tell her to get off me if she starts that. I think you need to stop your boy from squeezing your boob. There are plenty of ways for them to have that comfort without hurting us!

I have actually got quite tearful at feeling so smothered and wish I had stopped it when she was younger.

I used to feel very powerless too, as though I had to put up with it, just part of being a mother. But we have rights too!

Fourbears - I get upset about it too. It's actually very hard having someone stuck to you like that. Especially as I'm someone who relishes time on their own anyway. I wish I had nipped it in bud sooner. Now he has a tantrum if I try and stop him.

Hi Daisy! How are you now? I know the tantrums are hard to deal with, but I really think it would help you to stand firm on this, just as you would if he was hurting someone else, even if he didn't mean it to hurt (if you see what I mean). Why are you any different? You're important too.

It doesn't do them any harm to learn people have boundaries and there are limits to what people will put up with. Maybe wait til it's just the two of you if others are not going to be supportive. Sending support and an unmumsnetty hug! X

hi four - thanks for your reply. well , wever just been away for a week and its been a bit og a nightmare to be honest. he was overexcited and this resulted in him biting and pinching me (and his dad tho to a lesser extent). He just doesnt seem to understand that it hurts.

i think now though he is beginning to understand things enough to have me expalin to him that it hurts me and its not nice. so i will explain it to him when its just the two of us and try and wean him off it.

Dp does thing of always asking if I want him to do something rather than just bloody doing it , so it's always on me --- this is exactly the same as my dh, and most of my friends would say the same, its just men it seems! My dh's lack of gumption and initiative does my head in, for example on Thur last week I'd had ds all day and at 5pm I got a massive headache. I asked dh if he would take care of ds for a couple hrs so I could lie down, and I would get up and start bathtime/bedtime etc at 7. All I asked was that dh give ds something healthy for his supper, and get him ready for his bath. 2 hrs later, he brings ds up. I asked what he'd had for supper. Answer "I made him porridge but he didnt like it so he had Quavers instead".. then I went into the bathroom,turned on the taps for ds's bath, and the water was stone cold. dh hadnt even bothered to turn it off. So, I KNOW how you feel and it is bloody exhausting sometimes always having to be the grown up in the relationship. Let me know your secret if you ever solve it...

vicky. thats exactly it - always being the grown up. it is slightly heartening to know that im not alone in my frustrations, but god it drives me round the bend.

this weekend, i did four loads of washing, grocery shopping, bathed child , made dinner eache night, loaded and unloaded dishwasher several times...whilst he did precisely........nothing. does he think i enjoy it?? aaaaaaggggghhhhh!