Is the playdate dead?

[gaelicsheep]

I've recently moved into this area and DS has been at his new school for nearly a term. I'm a little disappointed he hasn't been invited to play anywhere but not sure if IBU. We have had a child to play here and I was kind of hoping someone else might follow suit. Small rural school, I guess everyone else knows each other. Is there no room for incomers perhaps? I work so don't get to see the other parents much, although I do try to be friendly (rarely goes beyond Hello however). Do playdates only happen these days when the parents are friends anyway? Just after thoughts from others really, before I decide whether to be offended.

At dd's school loads of people seem to do playdates, I don't get involved personally but I see a lot of it going on.

Sorry, not very helpful was it but that's the extent of my knowledge on playdates!

Thanks anyway!

bump

It is early days....you have only ben there a term! My DD began her new school in September, also a small rural school...year three....she's had three playdates....all of them were instigated by other children asking their Mums if my DD could go to play at their homes.

I didn't try to arrange any myself until she was asked as DD is not very vocal so I had no idea who she was playing with and I felt asking random kids to ccome andplay wasn't a good idea! In the end...arranging friendships yourself or trying to is a bit try hard...the DC sort themselves out in the end.

It can take more than a year for a child to establish friendships...so give i some more time.

how old is your DS? And are you chatting to other parents?

What year is your child? I think at year 2 stage the kids ( not the parents) decide who they would like to come over for tea. Give it time, the kids will start nagging their parents for their friend ( your son) to come to tea.

My DC are at a smallish (one form entry) village school and the whole playdate thing is very active at least at infant level. How old is your DS as I have found there is less organised playdates and more random playing out or kids going to organised activities in the juniors. Also having been the new mum in a couple of villages now, I would say you have to be proactive as people are often not unfriendly but find it less hard work to stick with their existing social circle rather than make the effort with new people.

Why not ask your DS who he would like to have over and make the first move yourself?

That's right pancake...nd I agree with Kamer that they tail off somewhat after infants...as do parties!

I would 2nd Kamer ii her advice of asking DS...my DD is almost secretive when it comes to friends etc....but your DS will probably tell you....you could put a note in his bagfor the teacher to give to therelevant child to take home.

You had one child to play, only one?
I'd say only 20% of playdates reciprocated ime; when you've had five to ten to play & no invites back then you can decide they're dead annoying unfriendly parents & the playdate is dead.

I suspect that people haven't invited you as when they invite a child they invite someone they have had before IYSWIM it's all a bit habitual.

I think you need to invite some more children to you.

Agree with voles that reciprocation doesn't always happen. People are busy - as you know.

I say just invite some more over to you

Oh DD1 is in recep and we have had 4 different children to play from her class, these have mostly been me reciprocating (I am a reciprocator ).

Thanks. Just to be clear, I wasn't bemoaning lack of reciprocation -definitely not! - and the child we had over was the result of me asking ds who he'd like to play and putting a note in his bag. I work full time and we live out of the catchment so this is not easy! I guess I thought since ds is the new boy it would be nice for someone else to take the initiative but no matter we'll keep trying.

Dead? I thought they were supposed to be a horrible modern invention that had only just arrived!!

'arranging friendships yourself or trying to is a bit try hard'

Blimey, well I tried hard then. It is a LOT easier if you don't work full time but it can be done, esp at the weekends. Nothing wrong with inviting the parents you'd like to see more of, if your child isn't expressing huge opinions about who to invite.

YOU need to make huge efforts with this. We moved a year ago and the school has all the kids bussed in, so never meet the parents. It was only through inviting, inviting, inviting the other kids over and having an easter party here so I met more of the parents that I now have my DD invited over to other people's houses. I think there is an out of sight, out of mind with parents. And most playdates do seem to be spontaneous arrangements out of school.

Thanks. I'm just keen for ds to settle and he hasn't really and is missing his old friends a lot. He's by far the youngest in a class of only 12 kids spanning two year groups and I'm worried about him. Anyhow I shall have to keep persevering.

All the mums & the one dad at our school speak but only now 3 years in hav we all started doing playdates.

However a lot of the kids are busy with after school activities & homework that the kids dont get much play time.

Id jus keep inviting people over and see how it goes.

DS1 is in year 1 and I am fairly active in arranging play dates for him. He has playdates with 4 or 5 children in his class (plus a regular arrangement with another mum where we take turns to take both our DSs to after school football and home for tea afterwards every week). My reasons for choosing a child are:

• DS1 asks me if he can have someone to play (rare)
• the other child asks DS1 and I reciprocate
• I am friendly with the other child's mum and our kids get on well

I am afraid I wouldn't ask a child just because he was new to the class and I wanted to welcome him, although I would ask him to DS1's party and try to be friendly to his mum at the school gate (agree working full time makes this harder). Not trying to be cliquey, but there are 28 children is DS1's class and you can't invite everyone!

HTH

I wish

DD has a friend round at least once a week.

But like a PP said, we were the newcomers so I have has to be the instigator.

Most of them have been reciprocated though

Goodness me, I've obviously got quite the wrong end of the stick with this then. Can't quite get my head around the newcomers having to do the chasing thereby looking/feeling a wee bit desperate. I invited the child I did because he was newer than DS and DS
had been helping him settle. I thought that would be the norm. Thanks for the wake up call everyone. Poor DS :-(

arrah, you live out of catchment.... for a small rural school. I suspect you won't get many invites to "play" if parents don't know YOU, don't know where you live and don't see you around afterschool/ in the park/ at the shop/ in the lane etc.

IMHO out of sight and out of miind, its not that they dislike your DS its just that they don't think of inviting him as the parents don't see him around away from school. don't forget that farm families often can't just run around at random times picking up children from other places and just getting off the farm and to nearest village may be a 15 min drive.

we live in a rural place, small school. DS has a few friends who live miles away, he doesn't see them outside school unless both families make an effort to make it happen.

Yes you're right, but then you can be "in catchment" and still have the same problem in my previoua experience and you're right that knowing the parents.helps hugely. But everyone's saying "you" like I personally hoping for invites. Far from it, merely hoping that ds can establish firmer friendships but it does seem that knowing the parents (or rather them knowing me)is crucial here. Damn it. It's pretty hard to get to know people who barely give you a hello. :-( I shall keep trying and hope it's not totally one-sided.

Sorry for appalling typing on phone

My DS1 has been at reception a whole year and no playdates! I did try to set one up with his best friend but the other mum was non-cooperative. He's not bothered though so I haven't really pursued it, we have other friends that we see during holidays, and after school he squabbles plays with DS2.

The right attitude - I will try to relax. DS has lots of friends back up north (the land of friendly parents) who we'll hopefully be seeing once or twice a year. I think I'm definitely more bothered than him about this. No more. [Smile]

may be too late for this summer but , as a family go to village fete type stuff if you can. Kids get to run around with their school friends and the grown ups get to kick back for an hour and chat. Even a chat with the parent who is manning the bouncey castle is a social connection made.

I'm quite aware that there are a few kids in DSs class that I simply do not see the parents, and those kids are ones I've never invited over to "play" I tend to go with DS's choice, he tends to ask the same 2 or 3. One "new boy" this year is in that small group, but he is in the same swim class as DS and mum, despite living out of catchment and down a farm track with a toddler as well does drop off and pick up most days so we chat. Probably won't see them in the holiday tho,