DD (4) is obsessed with her appearance - any ideas!

[zozzle]

My DD, aged 4 (nearly 5) seems obsessed with what her hair looks like - and asks for ever elaborate styles (I sometimes oblige but not always). She spends alot of time looking in the mirror and comparing herself to her friends. It takes up a lot of her time and I try to distract her. She's now saying she doesn't like her body and that she looks like a boy.

And before you ask, no, I don't think it comes from me (rarely wear make-up, shove my hair up because it's easier and am generally ok with my appearance). I read women's mags sometimes and have them in the house - but only ones like Red, DIY house mags etc so don't think she can be getting the wrong message from them. We have a faith and often talk about her being loved unconditionally and that it's what's in your heart that matters.

Is this normal behaviour for her age? Could it be just a phase or should I be worried? Is she just being a "girly" girl? Should I remove all mirrors?

OP I'm afriad I only have a DS, so feel free to ignore my advice, but this could be a response to changes around her, and feeling insecure - is she about to start school / leave nursery / go up to a new class? Also could she have learned this behaviour from friends with older sisters / mothers who do go on about body shape and dieting? It might be worth having a word in appropriate ears to see if these messages could be toned down if she is getting the idea from elsewhere. Also, is there any chance she's being picked on by a girl for not looking like her?

With the Olympics nearly here, it might be worth showing her a few events, from gymnastics to women's cycling or running or even javelin / shot put as a way of demonstratingthat women with different body shapes are good at different things but that one body shape isn't necessarily better than another. You could help her look at women she likes, maybe because of the hair style if needs be, and to talk through other things about them - their strength, height for the sport they do etc. It would be a good time to talk about food giving you energy to do sport, in case diet is the next thing on the list that she moves on to, regarding her appearance.

Thanks Fire - good advice!

Oh, I am totally unqualified to advise really as I have boys only, but from my own personal viewpoint my mum was so disinterested in prettiness that I felt more insecure. She never told me I looked nice, or had chosen nice clothes and I was awfully insecure in teenage years. I got no guidance about how one decides what to wear for whatever event etc.

So perhaps you could reinforce that she is lovely and looks lovely without having to buy in to all the girly stereotypical stuff. What about saying something like 'you look pretty any old how, you've such a gorgeous smile, so which hairstyle feels comfiest for what you are doing today' and then quickly move on to ask her what she wants to do.

Like I say, I don't know, but if you are really unbothered she might not be getting enough info about what level to pitch it - because it is healthy to take pride in one's appearance, but not healthy to be overly concerned IYSWIM - it's a hard line to find sometimes?

Thanks Little - yes, good point. I do tell her that she's beautiful/pretty and she has some gorgeous dresses etc. I do make an effort with myself when I go out in the eve - makeup, nice clothes etc, but not much effort for the school run!

Yes, hard line to find...

I have 3 daughters (7,4 and 16 months) - the 4 year old has a hair obsession, she has much shorter hair than her big sister and is constantly complaining that her hair isn't as nice.

My elder 2 spent ages pulling faces, looking in the mirror, copying older children. I let them pick their own clothes (not in the shop), but from their wardrobe. The tend to veer towards what they think are trendy clothes ie bright tops, shorts, leggings etc as opposed to dresses, which they feel are a bit babyish.

They also love to have their nails painted (I have already has this "row" on MN ).

They have never as yet mentioned their body shape but have said things like "I can't wait to have boobies" etc but thats because I have them and they want to be like me but better dressed

OP, like FireOverBabylon, my first reaction was also to wonder whether your little girl is getting these ideas from someone else. If she mentions looking like a boy again I would ask her what is making her think she looks like a boy, and in particular whether anyone has told her she looks like a boy.