Feeling pathetic!

[leguminous]

I'm at home with my daughter, 2.3, and I'm so tired, and I feel like such a blimming loser for struggling with just one kid!

She's been in a terrible twos phase for a while, but in the last couple of weeks she's stepped it up something chronic. Now I'm getting shouty with her because I haven't got an unfrayed nerve left in my body. She'll demand something from me - Mummy I want to get up, I want to play in the bath, I want a sandwich, I want a book - and then as soon as I offer it, she rejects it with heart-rending screams. If I move to take it away, suddenly she wants it again and there are more screams. And so on, and so on. She'd stay in a stand-off in her bedroom doorway all day if I didn't grab her under my arm and drag her downstairs. This happens with everything, all fucking day, from getting her up in the morning to putting her down at night.

I try to let it wash over me, not react, use distraction and just make sure she has plenty of attention when she's nice, but I don't always have it in me. We're coming through a bit of a crisis, with my father in law recovering from a heart attack, and the freelance job that I do in the evenings has been hectic for the last week or so - sometimes I've been doing a full day of childcare and then working until 3 am to get everything done. :( Me and H are both knackered and stressed out, and however much we try not to let it affect her, I'm sure she's aware on some level and it must be exacerbating her behaviour.

Not really sure what I'm looking for here, as I know I just need to keep doing my best and plug on through it. I've turned down work for the rest of this week so I can at least get a rest in the evening. I'm desperate for a day off, but any free weekend day (a rarity this summer) gets booked for visiting FiL, which I do understand - he's doing OK, but obviously it was scary and in H's shoes I'd want to see my dad, too! I just...argh. I need to spend just a bit of time away, somewhere I can't hear any bloody screaming. Any time I'm at home, I'm on edge waiting for it to start up again.

My dd is 27 now but the terrible 2/3's are still etched firmly on my brain. It was just vile and I didn't handle it well at all. I knew exactly what you were supposed to do - not rise to the bait - walk away and be calm - but I swear it was virtually impossible because at that age EVERYTHING was an issue - food, sleep, socialising, health, behaviour, any change in routine. I can sooooo empathise with what you describe. I felt beyond exhausted and would just cry with frustration and misery and at times wishing I'd never had a baby. Not great. It's extra hard what with FiL because you are at the bottom of the list when it comes to time to yourselves what with him and dd's needs.

I totally remember that feeling of 'waiting for it all to start up again.' Mine would scream because she was shattered, then scream because she wouldn't have a nap, then finally have a nap and wake up screaming again because she was grouchy, then not eat anything and then be up all night hungry. She was quite bright and always on the go and if I complained people would say "Well you wouldn't want a placid little blob who just sat there would you?" And I'd think "Yeah well right, YOU spend a few days with her then!".

And if you are freelancing from home then you just never get away from it and are permanently surrounded by the whole 'vibe' of defiance and feeling as if you are on a treadmill.

I don't know what to say/recommend other than is there ANY way you can find someone to babysit once a week? Other than getting regular breaks, all I can say is really really try walk away and don't enter into confrontation/explanations. Is there anyone in RL who you can talk to (any toddler groups, reading sessions at the library - anything at all that gets you out the house and dilutes the intensity of being 1 on 1 all day with her? ) It's probably not much consolation to know that it's not just you and that other parents will relate to what you are saying/feeling and also that this constant wearisome battle does gradually get better as they get more language and can do more. And if you really feel rubbish and it doesn't seem to be improving maybe its worth speaking to your health visitor or GP? Hugs.

Oh god, thanks for replying - it feels better just to know that another adult read this and knows what I'm talking about!

My dad is the worst culprit for telling me I wouldn't want it any other way. He's been out of the country for most of her life, so he's only known her as a very placid baby and then the excited toddler who's getting to see her grandpa for the second time that year. Any time I try to express what it's like at the moment, I either get told that I've no idea how much better she is than other people's kids, or that it's just normal and nothing to get worked up about. I know it's normal, doesn't make it bloody easy, does it?

H came home to find me in bits, and suggested popping her in playgroup a couple of mornings a week so I can go for a coffee and not be shouted at for a couple of hours. Haven't definitely decided to yet, as money is massively tight atm and I do feel that having the odd Saturday completely to myself would be just as good. But then that's not always possible when crisis strikes, and that's when I most need a break! So playgroup might be the answer.

We've just moved to our area so I don't really know anyone but I've been meaning to join the library, so I'll pop down there and see if there are any groups going on.

If you had a job with a boss like your child, you'd have them up before a tribunal within a week I reckon! OK here's what I expect you to do: Be on call 24/7, more or less 365 days of the year. You will have to survive on broken sleep and be unable to even take a crap without company. You won't be allowed any breaks unless I deign to take a brief sleep and if you do try to do anything for yourself in my presence, I will sabotage all your attempts! It's the sort of regime that Unreported World features on its documentaries!

It's absolutely no help when people tell you other kids are more work and that this is normal - Root canal treatment and cleaning toilets are also normal - doesn't make them any nicer to experience knowing that though.

I really think that playgroup along with anything for parents and toddlers helps hugely. If you can find a way financially to pay for a session or two a week, I think it's an absolute sanity saver. Your toddler is occupied and you get some down time and also meet other gibbering wrecks (sorry, I meant other parents) who are also dealing with small tantruming, sleep and reason adverse people and even if you just find one like-minded soul who is on your wavelength, then I think you feel a bit less on your own with it all.

I used to cart my little treasure off to Tumble Tots once a week, playgroup two afternoons a week, weekly toddler sessions and holiday activities at the local library, visits to an urban farm that ran seasonal activities for kids, whatever was going on in the local park etc, and through those, met a few other Mum's who were a lifeline at that very intense and exhausting time.

And on here is great too because you can just have a bloody good rant when you feel utterly shit and know there are other beleagured, exhausted parents who know just how tough it can be. If MN had been around when I needed it most, I know it would have been a massive help.

Remember, you are absolutely NOT pathetic. I defy anyone to get through the first few years of their child's life and feel utterly up to the job at all times and who doesn't go through times that are disheartening, wearing and exhausting.

where are you ladies at?! would love to suggest a mums get together as feel it would take the heat off of us all to have a coffee and let the kids run riot for an hour!!! hugs to you leguminous x

The terrible twos are absolutely that, just terrible! DS1 goes to nursery 3 days a week, I think I would kill him if I had him 5 days at the moment . You absolutely need to get some time for yourself to just breathe. I have an 8mo too who is at the stage where I can't put him down at all (he's with me all of the time), so when I do get a little break it feels sooooooooooooooooo good.

Good luck

I have a DD, nearly 4 and a DS, 1 yr. My DD was similar to yours, I feel horrible saying it but sometimes I would dread her waking up in the morning not knowing what kind of mood she'd be in. I would often be in tears or in a foul mood when my DH come in after spending the whole day with her. I just felt so nervous if I took her out, I'd never knew if she'd kick off. She was an owl for the first 2 yrs of life too, even past 2 she was a nightmare to get off to sleep.

Even now, she's still challenging, I just know how to deal with her now. I'm not as bothered what people think if she kicks off, I just treat her the same out as I do in the house even if I feel somewhat embarrassed inside.

What I would say is to try and be consistent and dont give in to the demands even if thats the easiest option say if you're out and want to save face. Don't try and appear to be the perfect parent outside, if she's playing up when you're out, let her know it's not on. Do not worry about what others think! Don't compare your DD to others or yourself to other parents, everyone probably has their own personal struggle in one way or another.

Oh and a great book to share with your DD is 'Good Baby, Bad Baby' by Nanette Newman. It's a kids picture book and it just illustrates brilliantly the Jekyll and Hyde characters that toddlers of that age can be, my DD prefers the bad baby part of the book!

Thanks everyone! Butterfingerz, that book sounds good, I will check it out. Shakeypain, I'm in South Wales - anyone else?

She's been unexpectedly lovely today! Just a couple of minor strops that ended really quickly, and the rest of the time she's been a sweetheart. We've had her drawing stuff out, she's "cooked" her Duplo bricks in the old frying pan I gave her to play with ("Let's give it a good mix, Mummy! Just a gentle stir, not spill it!"), she didn't even screech when I turned CBeebies off, and before bed she leant on me and went "You lovely, mummy!" Even without having a break from her, just getting a break from the tantrums has made me feel so much better.