Please help with cheeky toddler - what do I do?

[Hoopsadazy]

DS is 3.5yrs and is driving me a bit potty.

I know that the playing up when trying to leave somewhere he's having fun is normal. I know that when he's tired/hungry/nervous/etc. to expect some bad/cheeky behaviour.

But the last month or two he is playing up a lot more. I expect this is entirely normal, would like some confirmation and then I would like you wonderful parenting gurus to give me some tips on what to do about it. Please.

So, the one that drives me most crazy is:
Me: Right, we've got to leave for the doctor's at 10am tomorrow...
Him: Well, I will be playing at 10am tomorrow and I won't go and then, when we get there, I will scream and scream and everything.
Me: Er....well, we are going at 10am and it's Mummy who has the appt, so the doctor will not do anything to you
Him: I'm still going to scream

(I'm paraphrasing, but hopefully you get the idea).

The rest of the stuff is just....as I'm writing this I'm thinking the rest of it is entirely normal actually.....

Ok, so how to deal with the refusing to go to bed, putting stickers where they are def not supposed to be and ripping/breaking/squashing stuff that is not supposed to be - that he knows damn well is not supposed to be. The refusing to do stuff is the most frustrating as up til recently he's always been cooperative and does as he's told as we always explain everthing to him - the why and what.

Have been trying the: Put your shoes on before I count to 3.... approach. And also the: If you don't do that, then favourite toy shall be withheld for a few hours approach. Mixed results so far. Mainly perhaps cos am a bit soft and if we talk through what happened, have in the past given in a bit. Am trying to toughen up on that and give less chances, etc. but he seems sooooo young still.

He is usually on bestest behaviour when visiting people or out and about and I do reward him for being good. Lately have noticed him less inclined to be good when out shopping or somewhere but wonder if he's just bored and knows he will get the attention that way.

Am a meanie or a softie? How to deal with it? Please help as am feeling a bit lost and rubbish and scared of it backfiring on me.

he sounds like a perfectly normal little 3.5 year old to me.
I think the key is to be consistent. Set expectations clearly (and be realistic!) tell him at his level (i.e. dont stand towering over him), and then tell him what the consequences of not doing those expectations are (you wont go to the park, he cannot have tv that day, he will lose a toy and will have to earn it back - insert whatever you feel is appropriate) Then follow through!
so, tell him clearly, that you have to go to the doctors, that you expect him to be a good boy which means he must be quiet when you are there, and that if he is not and starts screaming then X will happen. If he screams, then do X when you get home (even if he has stopped screaming by then) SImply say to him, i am doing X because you did not do as i asked you to.
takes ALOT of patience and perseverence but does work IF you are consistent.
Good luck x

thanks. just endured another set of monkiness in the supermarket.
Me: stop touching all the bread (repeated)
Him: starts squishing it

It is all a bit of a shock to me as he was always so lovely.

I think I might be able to hear mums up and down the country laughing at my naivety...

don't panic too much! It most likely is just part of a phase that they go through at this age, and with a bit of hard work, a lot of gritted teeth on your part and some consistency I'm sure you will be able to knock it on its head quickly.
But it is embarassing when they decide to be little buggers - usually in a supermarket or something when you least want it

Silly question, but why were you talking about leaving for the next day to go to docs? Thats just giving him an excuse to be cheeky

Same for the bread thing - you tell him not to do it and it's like a moth to a flame. Can you give him tasks to do? Put him in charge of something like the shopping list or holding thing etc? DH is really good with DS in the supermarket - getting DS to look for things in that aisle, constantly keeping him engaged etc.

Definitely go sparing on the 'don'ts'. It's like the apocryphal Big Red Button that has 'Don't Press This Button' written on it. It's going to get pressed.

Set reasonable expectations... 'I need your help today doing the shopping'.... offer some kind of incentive... 'if you help me and we get it done quickly we can play that game you like when we get back'.... mention consequencs... 'if you don't help me and it takes too long we can't play the game' etc.

If bread is already being squished try distraction.

I agree with mumoftwo, consistency is the key factor. If you tolerate bad behaviour, that's what they will give you, if you don't accept it, they won't try it. I also agree that your lo sounds perfectly normal!

He: squeezing bread
You: can you find me the tortillas? ...Oooh, look at this darling, shall we have 6 rolls today? Can you remember which bread we normally buy, is it the green or blue label?

I really find distraction works wonders, just don't even aknowledge the naughty behaviour. Why is he squeezing bread? He's either bored or wants attention (and of course is simply a normal 3 year old!) so try to involve him. I live 70 miles away from supermarkets so when I do go I have to do a weekly shop- it takes a while. If I need to, I have taken dd's little shopping trolley or basket, and I will write a list for ds (7) and draw a list for dd (4) if you do draw it, do it together so he knows exactly what your bananas look like- my drawing is not great!!! If they have something to do, they are less likely to play up.

9.40am
You: We have to go to the drs in ten mins poppet, can you find a toy to take?
He: Ignores you
You: We are leaving in 5 mins, if you do not find a toy, remember you might have nothing to play with while I am speaking to the dr.

Give them notice and they know what to expect. Sometimes they need to be told again that you are leaving in 5 mins or whatever but if you just spring it on them at 10 "we are leaving!" they are bound to protest because they are probably in the middle of doing something. Also, when you get out of the car at the drs before you go in, tell him I need to chat to the dr for ten mins, I want you to be quiet and a good boy so I can concentrate, then after we're done here we're going to put fuel in the car/go to supermarket/will go home and get out your train set......

If you make demands, ie put your shoes on before I count to 3, often they just want to really push you, and the boundaries, and see if you really will do anything. How about making things a game? OK so we have to go out now, lets see if you can get your shoes on before me, ready, go! Oooh I'm nrealy done with my first one......I can help if you like but you're such a big boy.......I just need to remind myself to step back sometimes and take a completely different approach if whatever I'm doing isn't working, beacuse usually something else will.

Good luck

haha hoops my DS is starting this at 2.6 :) Is an utter nightmare and really has come out of nowhere! I asked on here wtf to do and got some fab help.

With the dr thing I don't really know why you mention it to him, but if you do then make it maybe sound a bit more fun than doom-like? I know if I say something like. 'well, DS we have to do this tomorrow' he will sense it is boring and start to think of mischief! But if I said 'we are off to the drs tomorrow, do you remember the fish/toys/books bla bla'? He would be happy about it.

Also, if he does start making 'I am going to be naughty and wind you up mummy' noises I call his bluff . i totally would go along with it and say how I am going to scream too! So loudly! Like this! and do a scream. And then it takes the sting (and power?!) out of it for them and I bet he wouldn't bother doing it.

echo iggle about the 'don'ts'. I 'don't' my toddler a lot when I am tired and can't be bothered/too knackered to be imaginative or nice about how I say things. If he is a total mischief mood and you are in a bad one, do a shop online and go to the park instead :) If you can foresee a stressy situation that will make you both unhappy really try and avoid it, it would only be for the one time, life and childrearing doesn't have to be a horrible test and yes, you are allowed to skive chores/annoying situations sometimes! I recoup at the mo by putting DS in the garden and stand in the kitchen keeping an eye on him with a lovely coffee and my laptop :)

but in general, you are fine, he is fine, this too shall pass.

sorry for the essay and hope I apologise if I have patronised the hell out of you!

sorry, don't know why the 'hope' is in that final sentence!

Re telling him about the doctor's - it's on the calendar. There's nowhere to put it out of his sight. He can read it, even my scrawl. But, we have always prepared him for things going on as he doesn't take well to having stuff sprung on him, never has.

Good to know he is normal.

All the advice sounds good. It is tricky as it often catches me off guard and I think we have just got into a situation now where it's like it a lot and I know I could be handling it better. I need to wake up every day and expect him to be like that I think and mentally prepare myself and then maybe I will be armed for distraction, etc. rather than surprised that he doens't stop as soon as I say a gentle 'no leave that for now'.

Some of it could be boredom and lack of attention as the rain has been a bit of a pain for our usual plans so I shall look into some more brain active stuff to keep him thinking instead of using his imagination to come up with stuff to make me have a breakdown :)

I do love this site for help. Everyone's always there when you need it.

Thanks ladies.
x

Sounds like my DD who is 3 & 2months. Yesterday I told her we had to leave in 10 mins for school run. "I don't want to go and get my brother. Leave him at school" says she. 15 mins later she is still in her knickers refusing to either put on shoes and trousers or get in the buggy or walk. I ended up opening the front door and walking down the drive. She followed and sat in the buggy and cried all the way to school. When my friend asked her if she was ok she said "Mummy hates me and left me at home". Luckily it was a friend not one of "those" school mums

I feel your pain. But no help, I'm afraid.

Essexgurl - I am with you spiritually all the way!

I am finding chocolate helping a lot :)

Good to know they are clever enough to wrap you around their finger and bring you to tears within minutes! :) We just need to cling to that positive side....

hoops I totally thought DS was either being grumpy and overtired... and then when I realised he just was like this now, all the time regardless, and that was normal I think I coped better. And when he is being lovely we just revel in it rather than thinking that is the 'norm'!

love that he can read your calendar, what a clever boy

I'll never forget a piece of advice I read about toddlers and I repeat it whenever I feel DS is deliberately misunderstanding - it basically involved always saying what you do want them to do in a positive way, never using negatives; so things like

"keep the water in the bucket" not "don't spill the water"

Basically they only concentrate on the last thing you said so the above sentences are heard by a toddler as

"water in the bucket" and "spill the water"

A toddler really is trying to please even if it really doesn't seem that way to us

You'll be glad to hear he was a perfect angel at the doc's, even though we had to wait ages. :) He did get a treat after his dinner for it.

I like the positive language idea. I think I am tired and stressed about other things right now, so prob not responding as well to him. So, thanks for helping equip me with a good way to turn things around.

Hugs

Someone on here told me that at this age they are practising arguing with you and will do it for the sake of it, which I found very useful.

For the counting to three thing, I say 'do whatever before I count to three or I will do it for you and I will be cross' in a v ominous tone of voice. Seems to (mostly) work.

Ah yes, I can see that. Yesterday he repeated back to me something I had said to him.

I also try the 'get in the bath or I will put you in' as he doesn't like it being done from him. Such a struggle of independence....and patience!!