DD (6) aloof - not doing herself any favours.

[flossyfloo]

I have 3 DC - DD (6.5), DS1 (4.10) and DS2 (3.2). They are mostly good kids, play together nicely, squabble and fight like most siblings.

My concern though is about my DD (in Year 1). I just can't think of another word to describe her other than aloof! I know I am biased, but she really is a lovely child, will play with anyone that will play with her. But she likes to play on her own... a lot, and I don't think it's helping her to make and maintain friendships.

At home she mostly likes to play with her brothers. She does like some alone time occasionally and will then usually play with her dolls/teddies, read a book, colour/write etc. However, in school it seems that she spends a lot of playtime on her own. Not every minute on her own but from what I can gather it seems more often than not this is the case.

When asked about this (and I really don't try to make this into a big deal, try not to ask questions about friendships too much) she says it's because she likes to play on her own and because she doesn't like to disturb other people's games! I have watched from afar at lunchtime (when I take DS1 to nursery) and can always spot her on the playing field as she is the one (mostly) on her own. I've seen her practicing handstands/cartwheels, rolling down a very small incline, making daisy chains, running round like a loony etc, the types of things 6 year old girls like to do, so why is she not doing this with other children??

I'm not the type of parent who wants her child to develop a strong friendship with just one person, a best friend. I have always wanted her to have plenty of friends and just be happy. But I'm not sure she is entirely happy as she watches other girls around her develop bonds while she plays on her own. I always saw it as a good thing that she wasn't too bothered about not having a best friend as I saw other girls in her year getting upset if their best friend played with someone else, arguing with their bf, or looking lost if their bf wasn't in school. Never had this problem with DD so felt quite lucky. But as time has gone on she has mentioned playing by herself more and more. She even said to my DH the other day 'I play with X on Monday, Z on Tuesday and then play by myself on the other days'.

The problem is, if she is using this kind of structure to her playtime, I am not surprised that the other kids don't always want to play with her. It is unfair of her to pick and choose when she plays with certain people, they are not going to stand for this and are going to find better friends elsewhere.

So, after that mammoth post - do you think this is something I need to try to do something about (right or wrong, I feel it is our responsibility as parents to raise children who can function well socially) and if so, can you give me some ideas of how I can encourage her to play with other children more?

So as not to drip feed - she does have children here for tea after school and on weekends and they always get on and play nicely together (about once every 10-14 days).

My DS is a bit like this. He enjoys playing with other children and gets on well with most of the boys in his class, but is also very happy on his own. Apparently my DH was described as 'a loner' at this age (he has now got lots of good friends btw!).

"It is unfair of her to pick and choose when she plays with certain people, they are not going to stand for this and are going to find better friends elsewhere." - I think you are over reacting a little here. She is still learning about how friendships work - she has to learn that for herself, you can't make it happen. The most you can do is give her plenty of opportunity to practise. Carry on inviting children for playdates. Does she do any sociable after school activities (eg beavers, gymnastics)?

Thanks for replying. Maybe I am over reacting slightly, it's just so hard to know when to take a step back and when to step in. And I am known for over thinking things sometimes (though don't tell anyone I've ever admitted to that!).

I will continue to invite friends over, especially over the long summer holidays. She does gymnastics but has been talking about giving this up as she is not enjoying it any more. She also goes swimming a lot but as she is a pretty good swimmer she is in her classes with children about 2 years older than her.

DH and I have talked about her having a bit more time away from her brothers with just the one of us. We do try to spend 1:1 time with them as often as we can but we are going to make more of an effort. We worry that DD is just a little bit immature than a lot of her friends due to spending lots of time playing with her younger brothers.

I think that the ability to be happy in ones own company is an excellent and very rare quality - she sounds like she is very much her own person and i'd just let her keep going as she is.