Struggling with 4.6 yo DD

[soupmaker]

Our DD is a cheery, chatty, outgoing, clever wee thing, who deep down I adore and love more than I imagined I could love anyone.

However, she is incontinent, mostly wees, but poos too, and although we have a hospital appointment this week with her, I am at the end of my tether after 19 months of potty training hell. I am worried about how I am reacting with her. She has seen me in tears, a lot, and last night I cried myself to sleep in our spare bed. She came through this morning and the first thing she asked about was why I was crying in the night.

My period is due and I often experience depression, crying all day and intolerable rage for a few days before I am due which is hopefully what is making me so awful at the moment. I am going to see my GP about this, as I just can't carry on the way I am.

I feel like a complete failure as a mummy. She is so loveable, but at the moment I feel like I hate her. I have yelled at her, told her how sad she makes me with her lack of ability to stay dry and clean and to my utter shame have smacked her on a couple of occasions when she refused to go to the toilet and then peed her pants. There just seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. We have tried everything, being calm and cool about it, star charts galore, discipline, being angry and upset, nothing works. I just wish we could have a bit of joy and fun instead of me constantly feeling stressed and anxious. I dread going to get her from nursery as every day am handed a bag of wet clothes. She starts school in August which I am so dreading as she will be wet and dirty there.

I am sitting in tears, with DP unable to find words to console me. I don't feel like I deserve DD, and that the couple of MC I have had are probably for the best as I am not sure I could cope with another DC. I had some counselling after the MCs and began to feel better, but now feel like I am back to square one.

Sorry for the long ramble, I just wanted to off load, and while I wouldn't wish this on anyone else just wanted to see if there was anyone out there who has had similar experiences and come out the other side intact.

That sounds really stressful but don't ever think you're a bad mum! Everyone looses it occasionally even with the loviest of children, but it does sound like you need a little extra help.

Glad to hear you're going to the GP, be honest with him/her about how you feel - maybe you are a bit depressed and need a bit of help, would more counselling help do you think?

And with your DDs weeing etc, don't be ashamed, see what they say at the hospital and go from there. Could you get any help from anywhere else , Surestart or anyone? It sounds like you could do with a bit of time out to get yourself together a bit & destress.

Hope someone comes on with some more constructive help, in the meantime, give yourself and your DD a big hug and feel free to off load on here if it helps.

Thanks Jammy.

Things are back into a bit more perspective with the arrival of AF. GP was really lovely and I'm now on anti depressants to help with the of the scale PMS.

I'm hoping the hospital visit will help to reassure us that there will be light at the end of the tunnel and that they have dealt with other cases similar to DD. She managed to poo her pants 3 times in the last 2 days. Thank goodness for washing machines.

Glad things are better, it's always good to speak to doctors / other people who know about these things and hear you're not the only one, and get help too. Hope the anti-depressants do the job, sometimes just helps to get over the odd tricky patch in life.

Hope the hospital goes well! I'm sure she won't be the first or last, and hopefully they'll be able to set your mind to rest.

Didn't want to read and run...

Your thread made me so sad. You clearly adore this wonderful little girl and I can see you are totally desperate. I have no advice but just wanted to say you are heading on the right path. Hopefully things will be looking up for you both really soon...

Thank you both. It's been good to off load. I feel sad too. DD really is a wonderful wee thing, just in smelly pants. Makes life out and about so stressful. I know that if she became 90% continent within a week the last 19 months would be forgotten.

DP picked her up from nursery today and she made it home in the same clothes she left in. She had to do an alfresco wee on the way home and told DP "I'm bursting"! Made us laugh, which always helps.

Bless her! Really hope you get this sorted.

Oh god I feel your pain. DD is dry but still dirties her self and thankfully for my own sanity I have a friend whose son is the same (obviously not her sanity!)

Absolutely the GP is your best bet. My DD hated poo'ing in a toilet so got into the habit of holding it in, net result constipation leading to muscle problems where she genuinely doesn't recognize the signs/sensations. We're on mild medicine to soften her stools, in turn to teach the muscles to recognize the signs and them for her to go/tell us. So far so good, although GP warned it takes a while. tbh my friend and i both say even just the discussion with the GP diffused a lot of the emotion for us.

Good luck, please look out for yourself and your wee girl.

Poor sausage - that's to you and her :)

Glad your Dr is listening and your working together to make things more bearable for you. Your love for your DD is very evident in your post and I'm sure the mistakes you feel you've made aren't the end of the story. My DS wasn't dry or reliably clean when he went to school but it came surprisingly quickly between September and Christmas of that year. See what the hospital say but it's probably just that she's not quite there yet. Hard work for you both mentally and in terms of keeping on top of all the clean clothes, but don't despair. It'll come good in time.

Yikes - you're!

Hope you're feeling a bit better now. I too feel your pain. My DD is in the same situation as Havering's. I don't really have anything to add that will help but hopefully the hospital appointment will give you a starting point to be able to deal with it all.

Good luck & look after yourself. And thanks for posting, you've reminded me that I shouldn't just bumble along coping with my DD's soiling and getting cross with her - time for a follow up appointment at the GP...

Thank you all for your messages.

We attended the hospital this morning and DD has been diagnosed as having an impacted bowel. We are about to embark on a week of movicol in large doses to get things moving. It's going to be quite a week but we feel like we are on the road to getting this solved. Off to bulk buy pull ups to help make things easier for all concerned. I feel so much better having spoken to the consultant who was very understanding about the emotional strain.

Poor DP is 40 this week so plans for celebrating been put on hold.

We're all feeling a bit brighter now. Here's hoping we get some improvement.

Oh good. Sounds like you've started on the road to getting this sorted. Hope the movicol works for you guys and you can enjoy the week. Keep us posted.