New baby and feeling guilty about three year old

[Ginga66]

I have a four week old and a three year old. Ds1 has been the centre of mine and my dh's universerse and he has two adoring grannies. I have always felt super close to ds1 and spent so much time with him, been available etc.
Since ds2 has been born I have been feeling a bit down. It seems every time ds1 wants me I am breastfeeding. I feel like I have betrayed him in some way, I know that sounds odd but I catch him looking at me with this hurt expression. He has started telling me he loves me and although he was very welcoming of ds2 at first he is now acting ambivalent and at times even a little hostile.
I feel torn in two. I do not feel as attached to ds2 as ds1 maybe because I feel guilt. I love him and am giving him all that he needs but i want to spend more time with ds1. I am breastfeeding but trying to get onto bottles to give me this time. It does not help that dh is not really on board with bottle feeding. Ds1 has always been a tricky sleeper and until ds2 was born I was the one who went into him. Now dhis sleeping in his room so he and ds1 get sleep and ds2 and I are in the other room. I also feel like I hardly see dh and he is taking over a lot of the activities I previously did with ds1 as I am so tired and feeding most of the time.
I wanted a big family. Ds2 was planned. I just wish I could get rid of these feelings of guilt and sadness. I am starting to wonder if I have post natal depression.
Does anyone identify with this who can off some advice?
Feeling prett blue. So happy to have my boys, I should not be feeling like this!

Not sure if this will help but I felt exactly the same after DS2 and talking to other mums they felt exactly the same too.

I read somewhere that you should not worry about sharing your time equally but try and give your attention where it is needed at that moment and having confidence that it will even itself off in the end.

I really focused on how DS2 was DS1's baby brother and how DS1 was great at stopping DS2 crying and how DS1 was so special because he was the big brother. Also remember that DS2 won't care who is cuddling him at this age so give him to any visitor, relative, etc whenever you can.

I always tried though to make nappy changes those times when I gave DS2 the attention.

I can understand the sleeping arrangements but think that you should look to getting DH back with you and DS1 on his own in his room. Won't work every night but you need to feel connected to DH

Once DS2 gets a bit more interesting - smiling and watching DS1 then it will get easier. Once DS2 gets even older he will worship DS1 I am sure and when you see them having a lovely sibling relationship you will know that it was all worth it.

Don't forget the first 6 weeks are hard work with 1 DS let alone a toddler and a newborn. It will get easier!

If you are concerned about PND talk to someone in RL - HV, Dr, Midwife etc they will help I'm sure.

He's only four weeks. You are sleep deprived, missing DS1, missing DH. It will all get better. You've only got so much love to go round, they can't all have it all of the time. Give yourself a break and enjoy these early weeks with DS2. Hats off to DH for helping out with DS2. All the relationships in your family are changing that's all.

Do you get DS1 to help with DS2? It would make him feel included and could be very handy all round.

Oh Ginga I so feel for you. I've got a 2.5 yr old DD and 4 month old twin boys and its hard, really really hard. DD and I were a real pair, we moved countries when she was little so we really have spent every single day together since she was born.

When the twins came along I knew it would be hard and worried about it before the birth, but I didn't realise how heart breaking it could be. DD actually said to me the other day when one of the boys woke from his nap crying "Oh dear, the baby's woken up. You'd better go feed them." Then she sobbed She veers between showering them with love and being fiercely protective of them and then turning on them and giving them a bite! I find that really hard as I feel bad for the baby being bitten (obviously) and for my daughter as she's clearly having such a terrible time of it.

Anyway, it I just wanted to say to you that it is getting better, now the bf has settled down and the boys are a bit more predictable I can organise time when I'm just with DD. Also they are really in love with/fascinated with her and watching that relationship blossom is so amazing and rewarding. But yes, the early weeks are HARD and don't beat yourself up about it. You're not the only one who's felt this way!

I can't begin to say what a help it is to hear I am not alone. I took ds1 to church for half an hr tonight and left dh with ds2 . Dh called me to come back as could not get ds2 to stop crying but at leasthe tried.
Lorisparkle, I would love to get dh back to bed but he says he can't function looking after ds1 or going to work if ds2 waking up! I have to leave light on for ds2 as well and we are co sleeping most nights. I more or less shower ds2 with affection at night and ds1 in the day but probably better if I try and be affectionate to ds2 in front of ds1 , at the moment I am worried this will make him jealous?
Fedup12 I will try to include ds1 inds2 care that's a good idea. I know these relationships must alter, I am probably finding it harder than ds1 is.
Rednellue I really empathize with you too! Especially with twins. Do you feel at all irritated with them when you want to be with ds1?
Ds2 is so helpless and demanding, I think I had forgotten how much do. I am also aware I need to be emotionally there for him not just doing what is needed.
I will try to talk with hv, she incoming on Tuesday to see ds2.
I don't know where to find any me time in this. Before ds2 born was at work, exercising, in a band! Thought I would get back to things quickly as I did after ds1 but now I feel that any spare time I have should be spent with ds2. My dh is not plagued by any of these feelings. He says it makes sense to feel more attached to ds1 as he has been here longer. He is still exercising two nights a week. And He only spends little tine with ds2 so ds1 does not see his attention diverted. He also seems not upset about our sleeping arrangement - I think he is relieved to be sleeping!

I don't feel irritated with the twins, but I do feel guilty myself about making the decision to have more kids. Does that make sense? I really make sure I enjoy them during times like nappy changes and bathtime. I also try and make sure there's one part of the day where I plonk DD in front of the TV and I get the twins on the floor, take their nappies off and let them roll around whilst I 'chat' to them.

The rest of the time I try to concentrate on DD whilst carrying out the care of the twins that is absolutely essential. And as much as possible I try and include them all - so when DD is needing some physical outlet I stick on some music and we do a dance show for the boys. That way she gets a positive and so do they. Same as when we read I get her to explain to them what's going in the pictures. They genuinely seem to love it/her. They do spend a lot of time in their bouncy chairs, but you can't be perfect.

And I think you have to make time for yourself. Even if it's just a walk around the block when everyone's asleep. It'll help you get perspective and make you feel more normal. HTH

I know exactly how you feel and it really does get easier. I have 3 boys, youngest is 8 months. When he was tiny I remember being in our bedroom feeding him and desperately trying to get him to sleep all the while I could hear DH getting the others to bed, sometimes they would play up and things would escalate and I would be sobbing over ds3 feeling helpless and trapped

I have to say that for me this did become PND and I'm now being treated for it, so please don't ignore your feelings. A certain amount of guilt is normal but if it becomes overwhelming that's a big sign of PND.

What helped me was to take each moment at a time, make small, significant connections and not try to give 'equal' time, its simply not possible to get it perfect so don't try!

It really does get easier soon. Be easy on yourself.

I was you exactly a year ago. DD2 is one today and it does get easier slowly. For me it was like fire fighting in the beginning and then as dd2 got less and less dependent on me I was able to give dd1 more dedicated time and take back a little of my own life. Dd1 did become more interested in her baby sister as she became more interesting but even now we still have to watch out for visitors, grandma etc paying too much attention to dd2.
I found a sling really helpful in the early days as it meant baby slept for longer and gave me a bit more time. And as soon as she was able to hold her head up I got one of those things she could play in standing up. They are expensive so try and get a second hand one, dd2 spent maybe a happy 30 mins in it freeing me up. It will get easier.

I felt exactly like this for about a fortnight after DS2 was born. I remember thinking "WTF have we done?" and the feeling inside me was like grief; mourning something I would never get back.

But it gets easier. DS2 was EBF so couldn't go with GP's for days out etc so DS1 got time on his own with them. And they are so close now. They absolutely adore each other. It's the hormones talking I promise you, and in a few days/weeks/months from now you'll have a moment where you are watching them together & think "what on earth was I worried about?"

I totally empathise with your situation, it is so odd to start sharing your love between two little ones. There's practical things that might help like getting out loads in the day so your DS1 can have lots of fun things to do while you sit and feed- contained spaces like playgroups and soft play can be good. Also having your baby in a sling can free you up for your ds1, as you can have both hands free rather than holding your Ds2. Also I would recommend having a good amount of special things for your ds1 to play with when you are feeding. As a previous poster said, keep trying to do things like get a babycino and cake at the coffee shop while your DH looks after the baby. I would encourage you to keep up with the breastfeeding as I think it is easier in the long run to jut undo your top and feed rather than spend the time faffing with hot water and formula.
I want to reassure you that you will learn to love DS2 as much as your first. It was slower with my Ds2 as you don't have hours to just sit there gazing and marvelling at their every expression and new skill. But the gift of a sibling to your child can't be underestimated (IMHO). DS1 will love having a brother around and you will love seeing them interact in the years to come. Keep talking to us!

Just to say DS2 spent so much time in a bouncy chair that I was seriously worried he would never learn to crawl or walk. This fear was unfounded though as he began walking at 10 months and was riding DS1's scooter at 18 months.

Night times are so tricky and there were many nights when I was with DS2 and DH was with DS1 or spare. DH gets very grumpy and can't cope with lack of sleep. I just was worried that you felt disconnected from him.

I think it is important to show DS1 how much you all love DS2 just as you all love DS1. Good to model that behaviour and encourage him to do the same.

I do remember how hard it was with DS1 and Ds2 when DS2 was little. I went to our baby and toddlers group and just burst into tears as DS1 was being a little horror and I could not cope. I must have a short memory though as I now have 3 DS and would love a fourth DC!

Once again so helpful to not feel alone. Lorisparkle, dh is the same as urs and says cannot get up for ds1 and do housework if he has not slept so no plans to get back into the same bed except on non school or work nights. This is making me feel depressed. K miss being cuddled never mind anything else. Problem is that ds2 and I are co sleeping so not much room.
Mrsjamin I can't leave ds2 with dh as he really struggles, u wld not believe! We tried a bottle feed together tint and it wa so hard, baby not interest, dh panicking. I also spent ages trying to get things ready for this one bottle feed tint whilst attempting to make a lemon drizzle cake which incidentally leaked out of the bottom of the spring tin!
Rednellue I have a vibrating chair which seems to calm ds2 so using that and a closer sling.
Bella the grief feeling is exactly it. I look at ds1 sleeping and think I am mourning our exclusive bond. And I suppose time with dh too. But I do look at ds2 and think how special he is so that's something right?
Rottenrow what play thing do u mean? What's it called?
Outnumbered how do you know if it is pnd? I have had overwhelming guilt yes, I also have OCD at times and disturbing thoughts which were worse after ds1 was born then better and now troubling again. I feel low in the evenings but am ok in the day. I feel overwhelmed by the house though and physically not happy with my body but not an ounce of energy to exercise.
Read this article in daily mail today about perfectionism and identified with it.
I know you are all busy ladies but this helps so much I hope you manage to keep checking in with me at least for a little while? No pressure!
Seeing health visitor tmrw so will mention mood.
He has just dropped iff so will try to get some sleep now
X

Perfectionism and OCD are not a good mix when you have children. It might be that these are aspects of yourself are what you need to work on as you just can't be in control of everything any more. Children change all the time, they have their own needs and you just have to work round them. I guess you strike a balance eventually, knowing when to be laid back and knowing when to to step up.

Your life changes beyond recognition when you have dcs, there is no such thing as me time, only we time. Try to accept that they will always be around and make the most of it. Perhaps you are hanging on to your past life before dcs?

Try to consider that they are there for you too. My dcs have given me as much as I have given them.

I have to say that I found our baby and toddler group a lifeline when I had DS1 a toddler and DS2 a newborn.

THere was usually who had been through similar or people who are in awe of you for getting out of the house with two. There is usually someone there to make a hot drink for you and a snack for your toddler. Lots of new toys and people for DS1 to play with so you can spend time with DS2 or someone there to hold DS2 so you can spend time with DS1. DS2 was often happier there because there was so much to watch and DS1 was happier there because there was so much to do and I was happier there because there was a bit of adult company.

You sound as though you really love both DS1 and DS2 so you are giving them what they need even if you don't feel you are.

I am afraid to say my DS3 is now 2 and I am only just feeling able to have 'me' time but it has only been a very quick 6 years out of my life and my boys are well worth it.

Don't get me wrong Lori and fed up! My boys are the centre of my world and cone first and have been the making of me. I would not swap that for anything just need occasional psychic space as anybody does. I suppose I got that at work but obviously on mat leave now. I am gointo a baby n toddler group thurs and a baby film fir so I'm sure that dill be good and talking to lots of people. Thanks

I cried buckets for Ds1 when Ds2 arrived, I was a big sleep deprived, hormonal mess. There are still times when it breaks my heart that he's not my only any more. However he has a brother that he's now interested in (and will have for much longer than he'll have me). I think it is normal to feel a little sad/guilty but if you have ANY concerns about PND please speak to someone.

It's a leap frog learn and groove activity station or something along those lines. They need to be able to hold up their own head though. Also second lorisparkle's advice about groups. There are lots of church ones around here and someone would always step in and hold the baby or keep DD1 entertained depending on what was needed. Hope you are feeling ok.
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Another who can relate! My DD is four months and DS is two and a half. I felt the same as you at the start but I agree with what someone said earlier about getting the older child as involved as possible and saying "DC2 is so lucky to have such a wonderful big brother" etc. DS now loves his little sister and she can spend ages gazing adoringly at him. I get him to bring me nappies, he "baths" his little toys while I bath her, etc. I never went to many playgroups before but I do now because I find that while DS is off playing I get some uninterrupted cuddle time with DD, guilt free .
It is hard, and natural to grieve what once was, but think of what you are giving DS - a partner in crime, someone to shar the excitement of Christmases etc. It will all be worth it

Thanks guys. Ds1 is being v involved attires but fed up at others. I know it will be ok for them. As for pnd after reading that gps now have to be concerned about mothers reporting depression I don't feel secure talking to anyone. My feelings seem normal from what you all have said. I know enough to seek help if they get worse but for the most part I think I am ok. It's a sad state of affairs Shen u r afraid to ask for help I suppose but I don't want anyone assuming just because I may have depression I am not capable as I am. What do u think?

No-one will think that you're not capable just because you are down. I was verging on PND but it didn't get too bad, anymore and I would have sought professional help I think. (have you done an online checklist? This list is useful and the advice is too). If you don't want to talk to your GP yet, perhaps your Health Visitor would be a listening ear? How did the toddler group go? I found it really helpful to have friends with similar age children to talk through the various practicalities and issues that came up with dealing with two.