Need some help repairing my relationship with my daughter, please

[gingermcflea]

My DD is 8 and I'm increasingly worried about our relationship and need some help/ideas of how to fix things, if I can. We're very distant, I don't think she sees me as a source of comfort, and I find it hard to enjoy her company and connect with her (including touch/hugs - although I do, I have to consciously make the effort in a way that I don't with my son). And I feel immensely guilty and worried that I'm making her anxious and withdrawn, and likely to have just as crappy a relationship with me as I have with my mum.

As a baby, I think things were okay. I was certainly her main comfort and I breastfed her until she was 2.5 which meant there was regular touch up until that point. Things went downhill very quickly when I had her brother. He was a very, very unhappy baby and my now-XH withdrew entirely from our marriage and I only just managed to hold our lives together, managing the baby, work, home, and finally taking responsibility for counselling and then finishing the marriage. DD suffered as I just couldn't be as warm and as available for her as I should have been as well as everything else. Five years on, that unhappy baby is now a fabulous school boy and my XH is now a good Dad to them both, and thankfully no longer my husband. But the damage I did by withdrawing (physically and emotionally) from my daughter is very evident.

I have a very poor and non-supportive relationship with my own mother and it's always been made clear that I am responsible for the state of things - I'm not who she wanted me to be, I wasn't warm, pretty, funny etc enough, and that's why she doesn't like me very much. So hardly a surprise I don't know how to do a better job of this.

I don't want to do the same to my daughter. I don't want our bad relationship to be her burden. How can I reconnect (I guess reattach) with an eight year old? She seldom tells me how she feels, reacts incredibly badly to any criticism in the slightest, and shuts down if I push her on anything at all. She is happy at school and doing well, but has other signs of poor attachment, including lots of nervous habits, difficult friendships, and is quick to flare to anger, displays relatively poor empathy and is uncomfortable with hugs/touch. Just like her mother.

Given my own background (which I have given up on - there's no fixing that mess) I am at a loss as to how to fix this relationship, and also wonder if I've already stuffed it up. A friend suggested a counsellor for her to find out how she's feeling - but I don't want to treat her as the problem. There's nothing wrong with her. She's fabulous and I don't want to give her any idea she's damaged in any way. I did the damage to the relationship by pulling back and want to fix it. Or am I wrong and a counsellor for her would be a good idea? I know I probably need counselling, but are there practical things I can also do?

Anyone else consciously improved their relationships with their children at this age/stage? Thanks.

have you gone to your gp to help for you both

Im also worried that my relationship with my DD will go the same way as I jave a similar relationship with my mum as you have described. DD is 3.5 and I already feel we are drifting apart.

I dont have any real advice for you but I would say that the fact you can see this is happening and want to actively change it is the main thing.

I hope someone with good advice comes along and that you and your DD can become close again :)

Thanks for the support wannabe - I hope things improve for you and your DD too.

I haven't gone to the GP longjane - what do you think they might suggest/refer me to? Thanks.

Do you have a family liaison officer at her school? We do, and its ideal for this sort of thing as often they will already know a bit about the child and they can trust them. They can speak to them in private, alone or with you present.

I can identify a little with what you have said (only I have two girls instead, and only feel that way about the eldest) She found it quite difficult when her baby brother came along last year. I have gotten better at trying to find one-on-one time with her, playing the fool with her and a bit over the top in my affection. I'll hug her tight and refuse to let her go, telling her she is just too yummy. She feigns embarrassment and pretends to be cross but I know she loves it!

I bet your daughter would love a bit of stealth baby-fying, she probably feels awkward feeling like she still wants her mum, but is expected to be grown up and mature and independent.

I find things like stroking hair, rubbing her feet etc really help connect.

"How can I reconnect (I guess reattach) with an eight year old? "

For some kids that pre-teen stage starts pretty early. I noticed with the girls in DS's class at school they suddenly turned into 'small women' overnight, concerned with 'who fancies who', fashion and other grown-up stuff, where the boys were very much still little, grubby boys running about making machine gun noises etc.

Of course the girls are still little kids and I think that mismatch between wanting to be grown-up and cool and their emotional immaturity can mean they end up a little distant and confused. They need you to care but they don't want to be babied. They can't cope with life solo but get embarassed at needing your help. It's a difficult line to tread whatever has gone before. Blaming yourself probably doesn't help.

IMHO you need to acknowledge that she is a) an individual, b) special and c) growing up. She has to come to you with problems & feelings. You can't force that part, it doesn't pay to badger her, and I think counselling could be counter-productive. To enforce all three, time together where you are just hanging out as friends is really important. Find something special/fun you can go and do on your own as 'women' without her brother tagging along. If she chooses the activity, even better. Involve her in family decision-making where appropriate. i.e. her view matters. Don't be afraid to show her that you are vulnerable, human and don't get life right all the time.

It'll take time to establish the relationship on a different level but I would estimate that she wants this to happen as much as you.

Poor you and poor DD. have you ever read the book Playful Parenting? The author is really good on what children get isolated emotionally, and how to tackle it. Lots of silly-ness along the lines barleysugar suggests. He is also very perceptive about the way our own childhoods make it hard for us to be playful and connect with our children. It might be worth a read. Good luck x

hi there, I admire you for writing such a brave post. You sound like you have an idea of what went wrong, and why, and you did your best holding the family together in difficult circumstances. I think you are very astute for noticing things such as that her difficult friendships might point to being something wrong, - wish I'd had a mum like you when I was growing up as my difficult childhood and problems with friendships has influenced me up until my midtwenties, when I became aware of things myself and decided to change things.
I think it's wonderful that you can see all this, and you do have an opportunity to change things and help your daughter heal from her difficult years. And don't forget that things were okay as a baby before your DS so you have that foundation to return to .

I'd really recommend the website www.handinhandparenting.org hand in hand]]the whole approach is called 'Parenting by Connection' and it aims to use tools to find ways to connect to your children on a deeper level, through play, supporting children crying and much more. I'd recommend all the free articles, and for a more in depth look at the ideas, the booklets that you can buy and download as PDF's are also brilliant. As well as online audio talks, and if you like the ideas you can take courses to further develop your skill at connection. Good luck.

Go and put your arms around her and say "I love you dd". If she is surprised or rebuffs you don't be upset. Just make yourself start modelling loving behaviour towards her. Fake it if you must.

You could try something like 'girly pamper' times - do your toenails and offer to do hers, turn it into a regular thing, do her hair and let her do your fingernails etc. that might be something she finds fun, fits with her sense of starting to be 'grown up' and a special activity that you only do with her. It's also sometimes easier to chat when you're both occupied, it can take the pressure off both of you.

Thank you!
I feel so much better just putting this down in words, and you've all made me feel like there might be some hope.
I like the idea of mixing more playfulness/baby type touching - which I am hopeless at - but also responding to her age and increasing her involvement in decision making. All good points. I've heard of that that Playful Parenting book before but never read it. I will have a hunt for it at the library. And I've just had a brief look at that Parenting by Connection website, cloudhands. Thank you - it looks like exactly what I'm looking for. The first article I read already made me feel like I could change things.
I do tell DD I love her every day, chubfuddler but I definitely think I need to do a bit more of the fake it 'til you make it in terms of spontaneous touching.
I'm really, really not a girly person ladybee - no nail painting etc going on in this house. Not sure I want to head down that path (my own issues, plus inherent lack of interest in appearance come into this). But I agree with the idea of special activities that only we share. You reminded me that we had a good spell a few months back when I was teaching her to swim lengths, and that was just for the two of us. But this time I'll let her chose the activity.
Thanks again. I feel much more positive.

Wow you sound lovely! Letting her choose the activity sounds like just the right thing to do - that is exactly what he recommends in Playful Parenting. It is amazing how well they rspond to the sillyness and messing around. It doesn't come naturally to me either, but I really notice a difference when I do it. Making it silly takes some of the artificialness out of it, I find.

I am a single parent too, and i really relate to what you write. It is very hard to be responsible for everything and be the fun/cuddly one. from what you say, I assure you can make these changes and I bet you'll be amazed how quickly you see a change in your DD.

Definitely let her choose activities- and if it is something you dislike but essentially harmless like nail painting go with it.

I often feel tremendous guilt that DD (7) and I aren't "closer" particularly as like you I had a crappy relationship with my own mother. Dd likes loads of stuff I'd rather not bother with but going with that has really helped us.

Best of luck

OP I'd just like to say: try to let go of the past. You are where you are, it sounds like you did a fantastic job in a very tough time, don't dwell on the possibility that your relationship is now damaged as a result. Focus on moving forward and making your relationship with your DD the best it can be. Remember that lots of 8 year olds (or almost any age really!) can be difficult for no reason, it may be nothing at all that you have done wrong but simply a phase she is going through.

All the best.

Mine have all gone through short phases of not wanting physical affection. I've supplanted it by just walking past them and occasionally planting kisses on their heads when they're sitting on the couch.

If they've asked why, I've said, 'Just because I love you' and left it at that.

They've never seemed irritated by it, but that might be because I've never been over the top with it, just done it on occasion. I hope it gave them a little inside glow to know I love them, even if they're hard work sometimes.

Thanks again. Especially the last couple if posters pointing out kids sometimes just go through these phases anyway. In all my guilt and worry I had forgotten that. Thanks for all the support and practical suggestions.