How do I stop my 13 year old son stealing from us??

[3boysandagirl]

We are at our wit's end. My ds is constantly taking money from us, from the car/coat pockets/other dc money boxes.
We have spoken/shouted/screamed at him time and time again, yet it goes straight in one ear and out the other.
We have given him the opportunity to earn his own money which worked for a while but then he was getting pocket money and stealing too!
He has never stolen from anyone outside the house and he is doing really well at school/has lots of friends etc.

It's almost like he gets a 'buzz' from doing it and can't help himself. Any advice would be much appreciated, it's causing real misery in our family!

Okay. Think realistically about how much money ds gets.
Then ask yourself how much he needs - cinema, friends' birthday presents, mother's day, father's day, christmas, sweets etc, etc.

Does he have have enough money, to reasonably do what he needs to/is expected to do?

And, imo, chores round the house should be done because you're part of the family.

Oh and 13 is a perfect age to start a paper round.

What is he doing with it? Fags, drugs, booze or just normal kid things like sweets?

Have a look at what he " needs" to live and that he has a reasonable amount.

I'm afraid you will have to look at seccurity and not leaving temptation in his path.

1. How do you know he's stealing it - does he confess when you ask him, find the money etc. Does he seem brazen about it, or ashamed?
2. What is he stealing it for? To me a natural consequence is not having ANY of the things he is wanting to buy with it - and loss of equivalent amount from pocket money (steal a pound, lose that amount from pocketmoney as well as paying back the stolen amount).
3. Is there any chance he is being pressured to either have things others have or give his money to someone (bully)? If the motivation is not from "him" but an external influence that would need to be elimated before he can get over it.

See what you can do to find out WHY he steals, remove all loose change, wallets on benches, bags in the hallway to reduce temptation and have a clear system of punishment if it happens... and if all this fails, a chat with police, school, GP??

Thanks for your replies. He spends the money on sweets, crisps, drinks etc ( the evidence is stuffed in his desk drawers!
We have tried giving him chores to earn money then giving him a set amount to spend as he wishes but once it's gone he can't accept he needs to wait/ earn more money and that's when the stealing starts.

He's admitted it and just looks and says nothing.
I don't think he's being pressured as such but may feel the need to 'keep up' with everyone else!
He is always happy to go to school. I agree to a point about keeping temptation out of his way but surely he needs to learn to not take it!

I dont buy into the needs versus what he gets idea. As a teenager I got dinner money and that was it. I never stole a penny. I got myself a part time job at 14 washing dishes to pay for clothes and whatever else I wanted.

Sounds like he just assumes if its in the house he has a divine right to take it or as you say he just hasnt learnt to earn his money.

I would make sure all money is where he cannot get it. And if he does get pocket money start making him pay back what hes stolen every week.

You say he's spending the money on junk food: what's his weight like? And what's the family attitude towards sweets, crisps etc?

Because if junk food is 'forbidden' and/or he is fat, there could be a bit of a disordered eating issue.

Absolutely agree that you should be able to leave money on the side and find it there when you get home!

However, I do know of kids where the stealing has been so pervasive the siblings have locked boxes for pocket money and the parents keep wallets etc on them at all times. THats not good at all.

Dunno how this works with stealing but what I'd say for any behaviour you'd want to extinguish would be reduce the need for it- which you have already- some pocket money, or maybe a "sweet ration" weekly. Then give lots of positive happy attention. Go out for they day at the weekend with just him- walk/ park best as you can talk (not face to face and confrontational but juts talk) or in this weather cinema maybe. Let him know he doesn't have to do "bad things" to get your attention and equally, you may hate the stealing but you love him. Do this repeatedly, till he really gets that you love him and like him as a person (not that you aren't showing it now but teens are odd sometimes and can't read the blatantly obvious!)

And with all the "gentle and loving side" up and running have a think about the "iron hand" behind the velvet glove. THe iron hand that says stealing is NEVER Ok . Taking other peoples money/stuff isn't a way to either obtain said goodies or attention. Like violence, for me stealing is a non negotiable no. (negotiable no's would be say swearing- ie not in the house, if with mates then I'm not bothered)

If he gets an allowance but is then stealing could you not deduct the money he has taken from the allowance? Make sure he realises he is taking your money he is taking family money, some of which is his.

I could have written that sadly.

I've just been to THE SAFE to add to my collection of Olympic 50p's and the whole lot has gone !!! The key to the safe is on my car keys and I leave them laying around.

I'm not sure which one it is but I have an 11 year old and a 15 year old, they both steal.

They both were given pocket money for chores but squandered it the same day, we spent all week nagging at them to do their chores often they didn't do it or it became a row but soon had their hand out on a Saturday morning for the pocket money we put a stop to it and they now do the chores because they live here and that what families do, they pull together.

My ds2 school trip money was in an envelope on the fridge a couple of weeks back, that went missing. I had to replace

Mt DD's Christmas and birthday money was in an envelope that went missing she's only 4

DP has now said no more money in the house, everything is to be bought on the card. They never steal from him only me.

I will give them money for cinema in school holidays and that's it, they are getting not a penny from me now, that was the last straw going to the safe this morning to add to my collection and the whole lot has gone

My children are so bloody self entitled, if they want it they take it and they don't even feel guilty about it. I've often said on here that it's my fault as I didn't have it all as a child, had a poor upbringing, so I wanted my childrens childhood to be different. I've created self entitled, sometimes selfish theives who think everyone owes them a living.

I'm sorry OP but unless you have to have money in the house then don't. Only draw the minimum out that you need and buy goods on the debit card, have little or no money laying around.

They've ruined it for themselves now.

I even have to keep the window cleaner waiting for his money as I don'ty keep £11.00 for him in the house, I have to draw it from the cashpoint

If they go to the shops for me they often spend the change and shrug when I shout at them for having no right to do it.

sorry had to add that bit too.

You have to put a sto to it now, it won't get any better otherwise

I'd go with no money in the house.

I'm sorry Shiny, that sounds horrible . I'd strip their rooms of everything except their beds.

Bookmarking this thread as my 11 year old ds is the same. I am at my wit's ends. He has 2 younger siblings who are annoyed too as they obviously want more junk too.

I grounded ds1 in the hope that no chances going to the shops alone mean that he wont steal but it's not working.

He steals food from the cupboards too. It's really annoying as I want to be able to do things like buy 15 packets of crisps for 3 kids lunch boxes and expect them to last Monday to Friday. I've tried being mean and understanding but no difference.

My son will brazenly say things like "it's only a fiver" and only admit to stealing hours after asked.

He gets pocket money but loses a lot of it to fines for being naughty.

A big problem is that his mates get lots if money. His best friend gets 40 quid a month from grandparents to have fun and gets iPhones, designer BMX etc. i suspect that this friend is also buying stuff for him. Sigh...

Sigh...

Ashamed to say I did this as a child for a while, from about 9-12yrs old when I got caught. It all went on food and keeping up with my friends. When I was caught I broke down and told my parents how much I needed chocolate but they thought I was making it up. Shortly after that I started working so I still got money to binge. I'm in my 30s now and still have a problem with food. I've been overweight since the age of 7 and at my heaviest weighed approx 23st. What I did was wrong, no question, but if the same thing happens with my dc I shall approach it differently than my parents did with me. Once they confronted me about it though I was too shit scared of them to do it again. They never made me pay it back but at £1 per month pocket money I doubt it'd even be paid back now.

Could you have your purse on you at all times (in a pocket or within your sight at least) and the keys (incl the safe key) on you at all times as well?

If he still manages to steal from you, take back every penny he steals, eg, if he take £2 from family money after getting £10 pocket money, then take the £2 back from his pocket money, so he gets £8 for stealing. Don't forget to tell him about your plans though, so he knows where he stands and can think about the stealing.

If that fails, I would contact the police and arrange for the community constable to come to you house and have a firm word with him. The reason I say that is that my friend's 15yo was stealing up to £30 off my friend to buy junk food, fags and getting other people to buy drink for him.

I called the community constable on behalf of my friend, explained the situation and asked him to come over and talk to the lad. My friend's DS never stole from his mum again as she told him she's be pressing charges against him if he did. He figured that it was better to choose carefully what to spend his pocket money on that spending it willy-nilly then nicking more.

Sometimes it may take for parents to be very harsh on their kids in these circumstances. My friend told me that it helped her to see her 15yo as a person rather than just her son, and that we wouldn't let anyone else steal from us, so why let our kids.

After having a day to think about it, I think having a visit from the police is the best idea. It would scare the living daylights out of him and if that's what it takes then so be it! I'm just worried that it will escalate and he'll start stealing from other people/shops etc.

We have taken every approach we can possibly think of and nothing seems to be registering.

I understand about spending some time with him but to be honest it's my other dc that get left out. I can tolerate most things but stealing isn't one of them!

.

How do you punish him OP?

You need to think about what would really discourage him and follow through on your threats if it happens again - confiscate his phone? Put his nice stuff on EBay?