Getting Angry with Toddler

[wilderumpus]

My DS is 2.6 and just completely gorgeous, gentle, kind and polite. However, he is now (I know, only now!) entering terrible twos. So far we have been a-ok, good buddies and I have parented him in a relaxed, baby-led AP stylie... But I am losing my way! he is very much 'I want/I won't/No' and mischievous and I find it hard sometimes to keep calm and to not snap.

My mum was very controlling with us and hit us a lot. I am so frightened I will be the same, I can feel my temper boiling sometimes but he is just a little boy :( What if I hit him? I hate it even if he notices I have got cross. he says 'are you cross mummy?' and this really makes me sad. but being cross can't be a failing can it... or is it.

Can any lovely AP/UP mums point out phrases or tips that help you with the difficult times? I have read the books to death but think a chat or some first person experience might help me. I really don't want to lose it, or compriomise his lovely nature with my nasty one :(

You couldn't sound less nasty if you tried! You sound completely lovely.

No, definitely not a failing if you get cross, and not if he notices it either. There are a few things you can try for keeping calm (I frequently lose my calm, btw, but these have helped me do it far less): if he is safe to be left for a moment, walking out of the room and reminding yourself how you want to handle the situation can do wonders - you can go back in with a fresh idea on how to distract him/make him laugh or whatever instead of getting mad at him.

The distraction stuff/making things into a game can get a bit wearing but it really works - if they don't put their shoes on, for example, I say something like "come on, don't you know how to do it? Everyone knows shoes go on your hands like this, don't they? They don't? They must go on your head then!" etc etc - I sound like a loon but 90% of the time it does work to get them out of a defiant mood and they will just play along.

Another one is to imagine you are being watched by TV crew or just by friends and family (or MNers ;-) all the time!

Also thinking about your triggers - what makes you really cross and why? Is there something simple you can do to avoid them happening? e.g. if I call across the room to ds and he ignores me, it gets my blood boiling - so I don't do it unless necessary - I get up and go over to him and get his full attention first.

I get where you are coming from - my dad used to shout and hit - and I have snapped sometimes, been horrible to ds and desperately regretted it. So I work hard to avoid getting to that point.

Good lord, give yourself a break! Your DS sounds a delight and a real credit to how you have parented him so far. Fwiw you sound a bit like me and what i remind myself is something i read somewhere but can't remember where or what it was exactly. Essentially it said it's good for children to:

• see anger sometimes, they will never strive to be too perfect - we're only human after all and they are more likely to deal better with other people's fleeting anger if they know it's not 'wrong' as such
• see hurt/ disappointment sometimes, they will understand that their actions have consequences for others and it helps them develop empathy
• see fun and laughter often - they're the best tonic during tense times
• have an abundance of love, no amount of kisses is too much - when they do see/ experience negative emotions they will more readily remember that it is fleeting, has a purpose and is always forgiven/overcome

Essentially, i think it's just an acknowledgement that it's ok to show and feel negative emotions sometimes, healthy in fact, providing it doesn't overshadow all your interaction. It might help you to concentrate on the many instances in one day when you have really good interaction and haven't snapped or become frustrated (by this i mean a 'standard' day and not a particularly bad one!)

You won't hit him, though you will feel like it from time to time. Self control is learned and tested over time - your job as a parent is to rise to that challenge and not be overcome by it. Life is a succession of learning from our failures and doing it better next time around.

To be practical, remove yourself from the situation when you feel your blood begin to boil or you fear you're losing control. Then give yourself five minutes and a You will always come back stronger and more able to deal with the situation effectively. And remember, this too shall pass.

"It might help you to concentrate on the many instances in one day when you have really good interaction and haven't snapped or become frustrated "

I think this is very good advice.

My mum was the same it is really hard to hear the same stuff coming out of my mouth or swamping round my head. What I do is, try not to react for two seconds, often that is enough time to get some perspective and not explode.

Try and work out what pushes you over the edge and see if you can avoid getting into that situation (eg being late so tell yourself you have to be out 10-20 mins before you actually have to be, so by the time he's got his shoes on you'll just about be on time).

I do think you can't never be angry ever. So how about working on good modelling eg yes I do feel a bit angry, what can we do about it? So do some activity to get your frustration out or something practical to fix the problem.

Also apologising if you do snap. Its a good example and I find it does help with the guilt. Try and make it a real apology, "I'm sorry for saying that to you" not "I'm sorry but its so annoying when you do xyz."

thank you for taking the time to reply ladies, I am so grateful! you have made me feel much better and more normal (less of an ogre).

thanks golden. I snap when I am stressed with something else, i think, and this is probably why I feel so dreadful about it. If all is well in my life I am a very patient and fun mum but when work is stressing me out or am tired I get into a negative thought pattern that he is being naughty or disobedient :( I definitely try to take time out but sometimes I just don't remember or it is too late, I am already angry. Sadly when i get angry it takes me ages to calm down.

mantana thanks. we do have lots of laughs and kisses and cuddles :) lots and lots! Far moren than getting cross, but the cross bits stand out as being bad parenting to me. I suppose I wish it was happy happy all the time, and if he is cranky/non-compliant I wonder what I did to make him like that. but I guess sometimes toddlers are just toddlers? Or is that a cop out? arf.

ima I definitely apologise if i was out of order. My mum never ever did and it left me so frustrated and feeling worthless so I make a point about that. Sometimes though I think maybe I wasn't out of order but just feel shit about having to get cross to get something done. it feels like losing control.

I tried earlier to think about how I am also a good mum but I don't have the best self esteem with anything so it is easier for me to focus on the negatives. I might also have a bit of a perfectionist streak and don't like 'getting it wrong', i.e. snapping instead of talking in a low firm voice and having considered warnings and consequences. I probably need some friends who have toddlers too so I can talk about it with them/see that my toddler is just fine and not going to be scarred for life because I didn't react 'appropriately'.

i dunno. I overthink sometimes and it's just easier to think am just a crap parent.

he is boundary testing and I don't like it!

It's good for kids to learn that other people have feelings too unless you are a robot Seeing you angry/happy/sad/scared etc will help him deal with his own feelings and face them head on. I think that it's absolutely fine to say "I am cross" and explain why.
I think that parents who completely bottle their feelings often end up with children who are insensitive to their parent's feelings. I'm not advocating you always tell the truth but offer a toddler friendly truth.
eg. "Your mucking about in Tesco makes me want to go home and have a drink. " is not on but
"I am cross that you are mucking about because I want to finish shopping quickly then go home and play." would be ok.

You sound like a great mum btw.

Try and focus on the bigger picture- your son sounds like he's really lovely..

My stock answer was 'you know best'. "Put your wellies on. What's that? Don't want to put your wellies on even though it's raining? You know best. Oh dear.... wet feet. What shall we do? You'd like your wellies now? What a good idea!!!"

thanks crazy, I really will bear that advice in mind.

And I like your style cogito!

I'm with cogito, for example I don't battle coats, shoes etc in pushchair, my only battle is over straps. I find they soon cotton on once they are cold/hot/wet/trapped/bored/whatever following a stupid decision they made!

I like it!

"he's boundary testing and I don't like it!" - yes I know the feeling BUT I try to remind myself that this is how it is supposed to be. It would be worrying if your child was always compliant and never questioning, because then they would not be learning. Things are as they should be!

it's a bit of a crazy dance isn't it?! And i just adore his burgeoning sense of self and general bossiness but it also very exhausting!

thanks ladies, you have restored my sanity :)

hi there, I agree with other posters, you sound like a lovely mum, and I think it's great, that you've read some books, and have a clear idea of how you want to parent, so as not to make the mistakes your own parents do,
you might want to have a look at the hand in hand parenting website, which has some similairties to attachment/unconditonal parenting, but these methods work especially well for challenging behaviour I think.

hand in hand

They also have a listening partnership scheme where you can connect up with another parent, and talk about your problems/issues with parenting, and it can really help when your child is making you angry to help deal with your feelings around this.

There's also a great book called, 'when your kids push your buttons,' which is all about why your children make you angry because they remind you of something in your childhood, and how to deal with it. Good luck! Your DS is very lucky to have such a thoughtful caring mum.