struggling...DS 4.5

[blondiep14]

DS1 has always been quite a handful but as he's getting older, things are becoming harder.

Come September he will go to school and DC3 is also due (DS2 is 2.6).
I am aware these will both be playing on his mind but his behaviour has been getting worse for the past year or so, on and off.

He seems so angry, rude and disobedient. If he doesn't want to do something, stop doing something or wear something (as eg's) then all hell breaks loose. I realise some of this is perfectly normal behaviour but what I don't see in other kids is the anger.
He shouts and screams, calls me an idiot and lashes out.
I try time out, ignoring him until he is calm, taking him out of situations, taking away favourite toys and football kits (not at the same time) and nothing seems to work.

He also gets really obsessed about things. Currently we have arguments every single morning because he doesn't want to wear shorts with pockets in. (Sadly, all his shorts do have pockets!) And it's relentless.
He'll suddenly take them off in the day and refuse to put them back on.

At pre-school (mostly) and his taster sessions for primary school he behaves well. He used to be very good when we were out but his tantrums are gradually coming too.

He knows he is behaving badly but doesn't seem to care. He is particularly rude to me, his Granny and Nan. Perhaps because his dad works long hours and he spends most time with women? I don't know.

Writing it down it doesn't seem very much but it is the relentlessness of it all really getting me down.
And the fact nothing I do seems to work!
I find myself dreading him getting up as I know it will only be a short time before we have the first meltdown.

It sounds horrendous but some days I really don't like him :(. I see his behaviour through other people's eyes and hate it. I dread people coming over or even going out. He won't share and is mean to younger kids.

DH says he was as 'challenging' as a youngster and is very supportive but even his influence isn't working as it used to.
He thinks DS is just pushing all the boundaries he can and that he's a 'leader' so always pushes.

I don't really buy this.

Please tell me my DS will be nice soon? It's breaking my heart.

When DS2 was 4 I actually thought he hated me, I was pregnant with DS3 at the time and just getting out of the house for school with him made me feel ill. He is the loveliest boy now, just turned 10 and an absolute dream. DS3 is 5 and tbh only the realisation that DS2 turned out ok keeps me going some days. Hang on in there, keep your boundaries and rules and it will soon be over.

I agree it's a tough age, boys get a testosterone boost, so can be more physical and defiant.

Be consistent, is there any shorts/trousers he will wear? Can he not wear them most days (wash overnight if need be), dirty shorts are hardly the end of the world.

One trick I used when my defiant DS was slightly younger, after bath we would dress him in tomorrow's clothes, and he'd sleep in them. Sounds daft, but worked a treat, he was happy to choose his clothes at nighttime and no arguement in the morning (he was still in nappies then, so just changed him into pants when he woke up).

My DS is still awful when tired/hungry... he needs constantly feeding and I have no idea how that will go at school in Sept, but to some extent that is out of my control. The morning battle may be a hunger thing. With the pockets, is there any chance to "talk up" pockets by hiding something in his pockets before he gets them on (a car, a rock, lego figure) - then that is the special thing for him to keep in his pocket all day before he gets to keep it?

Only alarm bell to be is the obsession side of it - every toddler has quirks and odd preferences, but if they really are obsessed with something every waking minute, perhaps an assessment is required.

dd used to be a little like this at times. Finally, I got to the point where I refused to engage with her until she did as I asked.

I would conspicously make a cup of coffee and put headphones on and read a book in another room. Whenever dd came along I would say that I would only engage with her when she was prepared to behave well, and do whatever it was that caused the problem in the first place. She would be asked to leave the room until she was willing to do that. If she did not leave, I would. That was the only thing that dd could not stand - a complete withdrawal of all attention. She thrived on arguing with me.

She was only ever rude to me once and I explained very calmly that speaking to me like that had consequences which she needed to be aware of. I would always, always love her, but so long as she wanted to be rude and horrible to me, I would not be doing any of the usual fun things with her as I could only imagine that she did not like me very much and therefore did not want to do anything with me.

Thanks all.

I'm trying to talk the pockets up jenny. He has a comforter which I say can go in his pocket but to no avail.
I see what you're saying about wearing his (1!) Pair of pocketless shorts but I feel like he shouldn't be dictating to such an extent IYSWIM? We have tried to give him a choice of outfit a or b so he feels he has some control but it didn't make any difference.
He wants pocketless ones like on his football kits (currently confiscated) or to wear his kits every single day.
Gossey I try this sort of tactic when I can remain calm! Sadly, whilst it does really upset him at the time, it's all forgotten by the next tantrum.
Also having DS2 around makes it difficult to carry out.

Not that it's good he's upset - rather it seems to hit home at the time, but it doesn't last.

We are literally 3 weeks out of the most horrendous time with my 4.5 yr ds. It was awful and I woke in the am and could not face the day. He was an angel at preschool but the tantrums at home and out with me and my dh were so so horrific. Full meltdowns with lashing out and trying to wreck the place. We had health visitor out and I was nearly signed off work as could not cope with it along with work , home and dd nearly 3. All said nothing wrong with him. Went on an amazing parenting course called empowered parenting. And I thought it would be a waste of time! How wrong I was. Simply changes to how I spoke and set boundaries and kept them has made such a difference. Also 2 bOoks about happier calmer parenting and the sensitive child also really helped. I really think my life is saved. I really had hated the way he was and now I just live him to bits all over again. Set clear boundaries, descriptively praise, distract him as soon as you sense it going wrong, try and avoid saying no but don't put yourselves in position where you need to. Stop and rephrase things positively. I do a commentary in car and before bed about the things he has helped with and done well. Good Luck , I know how awful it is x

weekends that sounds amazing!
What books are these?? Were they part of the course?
I'll have to look around locally and see if I can see anything similar course-wise.
So pleased you have come out the other side, hope we do soon too!

No books not part of the course. Can't do links and on holiday at the mo. one called happier, easier parenting. On amazon. Blue cover. Will try and get authors name. Noel Janis something.... She was on mumsnet doing a web chat recently. Course was 150 so not cheap and we of did it ascend on tethers. Can get a triple p type course run by councils but I have not heard much good about them from others who have done them...
It will get better. I honestly am amazed. We would have 2-3 major melt downs a day. We could not go anywhere. No play dates etc.. No tantrum for nearly 4 weeks now!

I'll Google, thank you weekends. It sounds bliss, but unobtainable at the moment. I shall be scouring Amazon later!

We did course as at end of our tethers! I phone auto correct nightmare!!