I can't do baby and toddler groups any more!! Will this have a negative impact on ds??

[tinky19]

Hi,
Well thats it really. I've tried all sorts. Play groups to music 'lessons' but ds (2yrs) just wants to do his own thing. We don't have any friends with children his age so i have tried to keep going but i just hate them. No body talks to me. I spend the entire time racing round after ds and carrying dd(6mo)round.

DH and inlaws think i should coninue for ds sake,

What do you think?

So what if a toddler still puts things in their mouth sometimes? It's not a competition to see who's child loses all the nerve endings in their mouths first is it?!

Back to the thread though - I like playgroups as they let me see what Dd wants to play with next, that we don't necessarily have at home. Also nice for her to learn sharing etc. Could take or leave the social side.

RE: plastic toys. Where do textured plastic toys stand in the debate? DD (9mo) has a plastic cube with lots of patches on it, some are bumpy, some are rough, some smooth, some squishy, some bobbly, etc. I gave her some wooden blocks and she managed to chew splinters off them (I swear the kid is part squirrel). At the minute her favourite toy is an unsuspecting foot placed on the floor and not moved quickly enough out of her reach. I agree with the points made that no child is exclusively in contact with plastic and only plastic, the world is full of textures and they cannot help but come into contact with it. I was a child in the 80s when every-bloody-thing was plastic, I even had plastic shoes at one point. I don't feel stunted or badly developed.

Anyway, playgroups.

They're not compulsory and frankly that's the best thing about them. I used to take DS when he was younger. I went to baby group where all of us mothers diligently did that week's craft activity on behalf of our not-at-all-interested baby. It was nice getting out and meeting other mums but not an essential. We progressed to toddler group and as DS got older it got a little bit fraught as he can be very full-on and has energy enough for ten children. It got even more fraught when I was pregnant with DD as I had neither the energy or the inclination. I started taking him to the park instead on nice days and softplay on rainy days. Much nicer as I didn't need to make stilted small talk with anyone, I didn't need to watch him quite so closely in case he made the mistake of touching a toy that so-and-so has unspoken exclusive rights to and we both enjoyed the time together with a little less structure to it. Now DS goes to pre-school twice a week, I take DD to a playgroup on a Thursday and both of them to one on a Friday but only because DS is now (mostly) calm enough to get stuck in and play with minimal help from me while DD is able to crawl around and can sit in a quiet corner and play with toys rather than being carried about under my arm like a rag doll while I chased a rampaging DS around.

You're not damaging him by not taking him and if you're stressed out by them he'll get stressed out and then no one has a good time. My DS wasn't good with structure and closed in environments and I didn't damage him by taking a long break from clubs. If anything he's too friendly and will strike up a conversation with anyone who happens to be in earshot!

Where in the country are you? You could try the Mumsnet local pages to see if there are any mums near you who would like to meet up for trips to the park or whatever.

OP - There is no shame in jacking in toddler groups. I moved when my DD was 6 months old to a small village, where I thought it would be easy to make friends with mums. Went to the village toddler group and after the 4th go I left an hour early in tears. NO ONE, I mean NO ONE had spoken to me. I felt like a right dick idiot. I am sure my DD was picking up on my feelings and was not enjoying it either. So I never returned and now I walk past the hall when it is on breathing a sigh of relief that I never have to go back.

But what I would say is that I joined a 'structured' music group where there is only a small number of parents/babies. I have stuck with this because it is turn up do the music and leave, no free time to feel like an idiot when no one talks to you. And slowly I have started to get to know people.

Good luck!

PS - Not that I wish to carry on with the hyjack but I can not help but comment on the 'plastic toy' debate.

I am also work as a childcare professional and to suggest that too much plastic toys is going to have a long term impact on a child's development is slightly . It makes me think that you may have never met/worked with children who have developmental problems? This is NOT a result of plastic toys but of very complex issues such as SNs, health problems and unfortunatley neglect, abuse, emotional harm etc, etc. I think you need to be careful to make such sweeping statements on a parenting forum as it only provides another big stick for us poor mums/dads to beat ourselves with. Is there not enough guilt to be felt as a parent? hellobear looks around sittingroom strewn with plastic toys, repeate after me I am not a bad mother.

Just don't go-some people are more sociable than others and i find generally if you smile and introduce yourself people respond- if people don't talk to you and you wish to talk to them, then talk first.
I think there is a kind of silent agreement that if some one does not talk to you when they enter a space, they want it that way- sometimes I am tired and deliberaltely avoid contact so i can have some peace- and if i do not approach people i do not expect them to approach me.
So it could be you are expecting people to take the lead when you need to or it could be you genuinely do not like socialising with strangers, so they will remain strangers to you. That is fine- as long as you are happy perhaps having a smaller social circle.
Your child will be fine though- although we do model stuff so it is not a bad thing for them to see us being friendly and gracious with each other.
Personally I have met the most wonderful mums through being out and about- a few that I connected less well with I did not make the effort to see outside of the space i met them in.
We recently had a baby and we did not cook for 2 weeks as so many of those mums brought meals round-to make my life easier....we were all sick last week and one mum friend left a roast chicken, salad, bread and ice lollies on my doorstep, which felt pretty great.

none of that would have happened if i had not got out of the house and into the world pretty much every day- there are some lovely people out there, but sometimes you have to take the lead and make the approach.

I don't think Zuleika is saying anything radical- just not to have only plastic toys- but to let childern play with real things too which makes sense.
Where I am there is definitely an assumption you would rather have something in non plastic material and all the pre schools I have visited have many real objects and few plastic toys.
We have had many plastic toys given to us by friends who do not want their kids playing with them for exactly the reasons described rather than simple aesthetic objections.
We just got a whole IKEA table and chairs as the mum wanted the child to have a table with weight to it.
I love a bit of plastic tat- but try to have some real materials also.

I can't imagine that children don't just play with anything they come across. Toddler groups, preschools etc have a mix. HelloBear is right, it is just another thing for parents to feel guilty about It is much healthier to let them have free range than get all precious and controlling about it.

I went twice and didn't bother again. It's not for everyone, and they tend to socialise properly once in pre school anyway. Don't sweat it! Just go to the play park near you (if there's one), go for walks, etc. It's free. Use the library to meet other parents and children, it's free and there's no pressure to do a group thing, you just do what you like.

Zuleika - are you connected to Steiner by any chance?

My kids tend to play with anything but the bloody toys I've bought for them, be it plastic, wooden or whatever. I think it'd be unusual for a child to only come in contact with plastic, surely they must handle a variety of household objects, go in the bath, play outside. Even if they go to nursery, they'll do craft, messy play, dressing up, playing out - certainly that's what happens in the nurseries I've been in, most of them have their fair share of wooden toys too (probably with a thick layer of dust as all kids seem to be allergic to the bastard things!).

OP, don't go if you feel miserable doing it, your DC will not care one bit. It is hard managing a toddler and a baby so don't be doing things that make your life more difficult. Like others have said, go to the park, potter round town, soft play. If you want to make friends yourself, join a gym class or evening class etc when the baby is a bit older, it's so much easier to make friends without your kids hanging off your ankles! And you'd more likely meet someone you genuinely have something in common with.

we go to a lovely toddler group on Saturday mornings, and DS2 'does his own thing' all the time. He is 2.4 and only joins in when he wants to. Thats fine with me because I seriously CBA running after him trying to persuade him otherwise. He enjoys it and so do I. Don't expect too much of a baby!

OP, do you have a nursery nearby that you're planning on using once you get your 3 year allowance? Could you sign him up for a couple of hours, say 2 mornings a week - that way he'd get some stimulation playing with other children, you'd get a nice bit of time with your youngest/to put your feet up, and it shouldn't cost too much?

Before DS1 got his nursery place last year, I took my two to a toddler group but only twice, because I felt it was too much trying to supervise my 4yo and 8mo at the same time. It was too stressful. No one should feel pressured into going to these groups. It's not compulsory!

I found it much less stressful just going out to the play park and meeting others there to chat to.

Zuleika - please provide a reference or at least the name of the super person you refer to. MN is a place where people tend not take things at face value. I am very interested in what you said and would like to follow up.

Re toddler groups. I don't go to make friends but am impressed with the range of activities. I took Ds when he hit 14 months as I felt guilty that he was missing out. I think he has developed o
just fine up to the first pg session.

I hate them. They're just not me. I don't particularly like being around children other than my own . Instead, DD goes to nursery for 3 hours a week to socialise and play with other children. Would this be an option?

If neither of you are benefiting then i cant see a reason for you continuing.
I felt i had to go to these 'toddle groups' by my HV when my pfb was 6m, i went to one locally every tuesday, but like you no-one spoke to me and even when i striked up a conversation thats as far as it would go.
My dd was more interested in playing on her own and didn't interact either, probably for the same reasons as me, no-one was interested.
I think most of these groups are very clickey and not only that most women bring a friend aswell.
I kept going to keep the HV happy but tbh i hated going and i never went with any of my 3 other dds, instead i have made friends in the local area who have dcs of simular age and we have coffee round eachothers houses and all the kids play-much nicer

I never went and DS has loads of friends. He's much more sociable than me ( but I'm so anti-social I can't bear to even do the school run!).

DS1 coped fine without going to these 'mother and baby' groups and when he started nursery I was told he's very sociable with others, he's never had any bother mixing with his peers at all. It really is down to the child's personality at that age, not whether or not they've been exposed to these groups before the age of three. Years ago there was no such thing as a mother and toddler group or mother and baby group, and mums just met up with other mums in the street and so on.

i also hated toddler groups i found them quite klicky! and my little girl did not interact also and my son was only 8-12weeks so it was quite hard too.
Do you have any cafe's in you area with play areas in them you can take a friend for coffe and your child can go and play. I could not afford child care in england but now we r in denmark it is cheeper if you can afford it even part time i would recomend it... they need a break from you and you them although you maby dont think so (will i dident) they both go to day care here and love it and are coming on leaps and bounds, my little girl is nearly2 and my son is nearly 1.
hope it helped a little