Close to breaking times over mealtimes with 13 month old. Please share your wisdom!

[abigboydidit]

I'm stuck! DS is 13 months old and was a great eater from when he started weaning at 6 months. We did a mixture of purees and finger foods and he was really enthusiastic at mealtimes. I knew it wouldn't last - and it hasn't! He's at nursery 3 days per week and eats fine there. He will also eat breakfast (weetabix or toast) no bother. However lunch or tea at home are a nightmare. He's become increasingly intolerant of lumps (despite happily eating oatcakes, chomping through slices of melon etc) & now screams from the second you offer him the first mouthful of main course. He seems to enjoy the taste but if you're lucky enough to get a spoonful in he will tend to refuse for ages before accepting another spoonful. He will eat yoghurt, raisins, breadsticks etc with no such tears.

I really don't know what to do! I have tried praise, coaxing, letting him try to feed himself, making this less lumpy, offering finger foods instead (but he is now refusing anything he doesn't recognise). I used to stay calm during the refusal and just offer the next element of the meal when he refused. So if he wouldn't try the spag bol I would offer him fruit. If he wouldn't try the fruit I would offer him a yoghurt... But now it's really hard to stay calm and not get upset when he basically starts screaming in tears the second he gets in the high chair.

I would really appreciate any ideas or experience as am at my wits end! Thanks in advance.

My DS was a great eater until he got to 10months now he is definitely picky and often refuses to eat anything. What I have found works is if he sees me having a few mouths from his bowl with his cutlery.

So yesterday I offered him his pasta, which he does like, he turns away and bats at the fork. So I wait until he watching and I eat a couple of mouthfuls-then he wants it! Finished the bowl.

I also give him quite long gaps while he's eating so he'll start refusing so I just let him sit for a while and sometimes, not always he'll start eating it again. Before I would have been straight in there clearing away and giving next food thing.

Thanks everyone. It really is so reassuring to come back to all these messages. We have tried giving the yoghurt first but he then cried when it was finished (I think wanting a 2nd) & would get even more upset by the appearance of his mains (if that's possible). At the moment his meals take ages! We allow long pauses for him to calm down or look around or splash about with his water. I give him a spoon or a fork and he has a dig about in his bowl. Sometimes it works but most often it doesn't.

I totally agree with the posters who mentioned emotion. At nursery they spoon feed him but as I said to DH last night during one of our many arguments conversations about this, there is an "ate all/ate some/ate none" column and am sure they are quite prepared for him to come home having ticked the ate none column!

Thanks again everyone - just knowing am not alone/a terrible Mum is reassuring in itself!

Oh - milkovermayhem am afraid he quickly got wise to that scam!

Oh no! You mean that trick has a limited shelf life! best shovel it in while I can then!

"....am sure they are quite prepared for him to come home having ticked the ate none column!"

That is the key to solving the problem.

Could you try to find an approach which removes the need for him to calm down? While he's getting upset you are never going to make much progress.

Perhaps you could put him in the highchair next to the table and put some food that you know he usually likes on the table near to him so he doesn't feel pressured by it being on his high chair tray. Don't offer him anything but allow him to take whatever he wants. If you could put the chair where he can reach for himself all the better. Make sure he can see you and DH eating happily and chatting.

If he doesn't choose anything or show any interest get him down cheerfully and let him play. He can always come back up if he decides to and I guess he's still having bottles of milk so shouldn't be too hungry.

This isn't a punishment or withholding food. It's letting him choose and allowing him to feel in control in a more appropriate way. It needs to be a cheerful, relaxed process and it won't work immediately. To an observer you need to look like someone who is reluctantly offering the child the chance to eat but would rather prefer him not to.

Hopefully once he realises that there is not pressure on him to eat, therefore nothing to resist, he'll start to perceive mealtimes and food in a different way.

Don't be tempted to make any move to entice or persuade him to eat and don't offer sweet things unless you would have given them as part of the meal anyway.

Thanks everyone. Tried to take all advice on board so has been a different day today!

Lunch - made pasta (he's never accepted anything other than spaghetti) and sat next to him eating mine. He flat refused to try it & was starting to cry, so I just left him and continued to nosh away. He calmed down straight away and used his fork to try to nab some off my plate, so I helped some onto his fork and he tried it (progress!). He shoved the stuff in front of him around for a few moments then started to cry so I just cheerfully wiped him down and let him loose. He seemed a bit stunned but fine! Nil eaten.

Tea was a favourite - spag bol (not very varied diet there..). I have my "morning" sickness in the afternoon so unfortunately there was no chance of me eating with him but I sat next to him and chattered away! He let me feed about a third to him and then got annoyed so I backed away again. He then fed himself for a while - limited amounts making their way in but he was making a good effort and seemed happy which was a result . He started getting annoyed with the stuff in front of him so I cleared it away at the first hint of irritation so I gave him a bit of melon. Unfortunately, I think he bit his tongue as he squealed in pain and started to cry so I just took him straight out of the high chair and next door to play. Once he was happy we let him have the melon while he toddled about playing in the kitchen. I thought it was important to remove some of the negative associations with the high chair so hope I did right thing!

So - only the beginning but at least I feel I know where am headed. Thanks again everyone.

I think you're on the right track and I see no problem with letting him eat when down from the high chair.

What a shame he bit his tongue!

Not got time to read all posts so forgive me if I'm repeating advice...
My DS went through exactly the same thing, exactly the same age. What really transformed meal times for us was getting rid of the high chair and putting him in a booster seat at the table. We were lucky that it coincided with DH getting a job which meant he could join us for the evening meal. I slowly realised that DS would eat a rotting donkey if he saw DH eating it not giving a stuff about mummy
Good luck

Read this and stop worrying: www.pinterandmartin.com/my-child-wont-eat/

In summary: your job is to offer healthy food, their job is to choose what and how much of it to eat. So as long as you don't substitute crisps for apple in desperation for him to eat anything at all, it will be fine.

Thanks iammoving soon - just downloaded it to my kindle and am now off to bed to read it!

Wow! Why did no one tell me about this book 13 months ago? iammoingsoon

I've just looked at the book on Amazon 'Search Inside'. it is brilliant! So sensible, logical and well thought out. It should be given to every new parent (and grandparent).

I am very lucky in that I instinctively followed what the book advises but if I'd given in to pressure from family my DD2 would have been very food-averse and mealtimes would have been traumatic to say the least.

One of my friends had this with hers. In the end she had a month of putting yoghurt on everything. he was particularly fond of yoghurt on chicken if he could put it in his own mouth.
Just as a toddler can get obsessed with one toy/one bowl/one TV programme so they can be obsessed with one taste. Keep offering other things but let him have the yoghurt if he wants it. He will get more adventurous - next month he may only want tomatoes...