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Original poster

Abit OT but advice needed urgently. Please

21 replies

Moomin1000 · 29/06/2012 22:26

my daughter is 6 months it's been hard firstly I had hyperemesis in pregnancy vomiting at least 16 times a day! Very hormonal then difficult birth ending in forceps in theatre Nd then long drawn out recovery for me with still pelvic floor problems and having Physio! Then a baby with colic and breastfed 1-2 hrly since birth and. Husband having to sleep in sofa as 2nd room only fits a cot as he is to disturbed for his job!!!

So this is the background he's booking for a vasectomy next week he's adamant and I really want a second child and a sibling for my daughter!!! I feel so hurt for this and feel like filing for divorce? What does other people think am I selfish for thinking like this?

OP posts:
trixie123 · 29/06/2012 22:35

oh my goodness, please try and get him to wait a bit. Its still very early days and you've had a rough start. I can't imagine you are exactly swinging from the chandeliers anyway at the moment! Can you reassure him that you have no intention of trying for another right this minute and use a method of contraception that he is happy with until you have time to reasess? Most people don't even consider a second until no1 is around a year at the very least. If, after a much greater period of time has passed and he still feels the same, well then you'll have to consider your options, but that's much bigger issue. I hope things will smooth out for you a bit as your LO gets older. x

Original poster
Moomin1000 · 29/06/2012 22:42

Thanks.... He's adamant Im so mad I can't help but feel like divorcing him.... But feel terrible for doing it!! He says no form of contraception is safe so the only way he will wait is to have no sex!!! We have not had sex since sept due to pregnancy and then lo really not giving us a big enough window so to speak! I can't do that it will b like just excisiting :-( I'm so sad I don't know what to do??? As I had it so rough forgot to mention breast absess at 2 weeks post natal which had to be aspirated several times under ultrasound!!! I want to b able to do it all again without anxiety, knowing what to expect, so I can soak it up more if u know what I mean x

OP posts:
GrasshopperNchipmunk · 29/06/2012 22:45

My first pregnancy was very similar to yours, and when DS was born he was also very irritable an cranky (not sleeping, constant feeding etc). It was very hard, and at the time I remember thinking 'how do people manage with more than one?!'

Ive just had my second DC 16 weeks ago and the whole experience has been completely different!!!

My sickness throughout pregnancy was much more bareable (it's meant to less in subsequent pregnancies Smile), my DD is soooooo calm and placid, and she had slept through since she was a week old.

Seriously, I thought all newborns were like my first as I didn't have anything to compare it too, but I was so wrong! She is so easy to care for and it is great fun having the two (only 18 months apart).

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that your second might be lot easier than you expect. I'm just glad I had them this way round!

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GrasshopperNchipmunk · 29/06/2012 22:49

Also I would be utterly devastated If my DH booked a vasectomy without my agreement too Sad It sounds like he's making a rash decision there. Have you discussed in the past how many DC's you would like?

bumpybecky · 29/06/2012 22:54

our GP won't generally refer people for a vasectomy if they have a baby under 1 year old, apparently it's a fairly common request when you've got a new baby!

I would be devastated in your position too and would also be mentioning the divorce word. Have you actually sat him down and told him how you feel?

Original poster
Moomin1000 · 29/06/2012 23:09

Yes I have!!! Unfortunately on his side I did agree to one child before my daughter was born but if hoped he changed his mind and I would feel fulfilled but I really want another not now not for at least another year away!!! It looks like he would b willing to walk away from
Our. Marriage because he feels so strongly :-(

OP posts:
GrasshopperNchipmunk · 30/06/2012 08:30

Oh dear, it sounds like your moving the goalposts (obs which is perfectly fine to do), but saying he is willing to walk away is not exactly fair. Your the one who is talking about divorce as he won't change his mind on something that you had already agreed on.

However, that said a vasectomy is a fairly harsh measure and I also would not be happy of my DH made that decision without my 'blessing'. I would be livid too. And also there are lots of stories about people conceiving after having a vasectomy!! Could you agree to take the pill/ coil/ whatever plus condoms for a year and review whether you want more children then? Sad

What is his reasoning for only wanting one? Is he an only child too?

ImCoveredInBeeeees · 30/06/2012 08:57

Don't panic - GP will only refer for vasectomy with your permission. You have to go in to say you agree to the vasectomy, as his wife.

ImCoveredInBeeeees · 30/06/2012 08:57

Don't panic - GP will only refer for vasectomy with your permission. You have to go in to say you agree to the vasectomy, as his wife.

TheFallenMadonna · 30/06/2012 09:08

Not true. I had no communication with the GP regarding DH's vasectomy.

I did have communication with DH though.

Could you arrange some counselling perhaps, if this is a marriage breaking deal for you?

ThisWeekonFancyPuffin · 30/06/2012 09:20

ImCoveredInBeeeees Sat 30-Jun-12 08:57:57
Don't panic - GP will only refer for vasectomy with your permission. You have to go in to say you agree to the vasectomy, as his wife.

That can't be true Shock Can you imagine the implications? Needing your husbands permission to have medical treatment.

ImCoveredInBeeeees · 30/06/2012 10:01

It is true at our GPs. Assumed it was universal.

ImCoveredInBeeeees · 30/06/2012 10:01

It is true at our GPs. Assumed it was universal.

ElephantsCanRemember · 30/06/2012 10:06

Imcovered I didn't have to agree to my H having a vasectomy. The Drs didn't want to check I was ok with it (I was!) but my friend who lives just 10miles away had to have an appointment for her and her DH with their Dr to discuss it.

TheFallenMadonna · 30/06/2012 10:14

Pretty sure they couldn't insist on it. Just recommend it.

dreamingbohemian · 30/06/2012 10:21

I had a difficult pregnancy and newborn phase and yes, DH and I were both pretty interested in sterilisation at that point! As things got better, we calmed down. I think GPs see this a lot and it's possible your DH will not actually be referred.

At the same time, if you agreed to one child but didn't really mean it, that's not really fair to him.

What are his reasons for only having one?

It does seem odd that he's so impatient to have one if you're not even having sex right now...

SkiBumMum · 30/06/2012 10:26

Our GP brings the woman in to discuss Mirena before referral apparently.

KatAndKit · 30/06/2012 10:42

Ah right so it is really the NHS trying to save money! It's not your permission they are really interested in, they are trying to get you to go for the cheaper option and once again make contraception a woman's responsibility.

Anyway, the Mirena is actually a good option in your situation. Although no contraception is perfect, the mirena is considered to be pretty much as effective as a vasectomy (which is not quite 100% either!). It's good for 5 years. So if you agreed to a long acting method of highly effective contraception, he could reassess his position later. If, at the end of that time, he has still not come round then he could have his vasectomy (what that means for your marriage is a different matter)

I wouldn't bother with trying to persuade him into a second child yet, just wait for the dust to settle. The GP is unlikely to refer him with a child under 1 anyway so you will need to get on contraception even if he is adamant. Also it isn't reliable until he has done a clear jizz test six months later. Tell him to wait and that you will use super duper good contraception with condoms on top if that is what he wants and promise not to mention ttc for at least another year. After that time if you can't agree then counselling might be a good idea, or you might have to decide that you would rather have your marriage and the one child you have, than a divorce and maybe still only having one child.

TheFallenMadonna · 30/06/2012 14:24

I'm actually pretty cross at the idea that a man needs his wife's permission to have a vasectomy. Now obviously, I think that this is something that absolutely should be discussed between partners long before anyone gets to a GP. But as a point of principle...

There's no way I would have gone to the GP to discuss an alternative form of (female) contraception when my DH requested a vasectomy Hmm

NoComet · 30/06/2012 14:43

Tell him firmly, but politely that you would like him to wait at least two years.

Newborns are stunningly hard work and scary. Men like to be able to be in control and fix things that go wrong. PG and childbirth are not like that. Neither are new borns.

This coupled with sleep deprivation and the fear of having to earn enough to support a family is very stressful.

Everyone focuses on the women, but men get PND too!

My DH is a very strong minded level headed chap, but he found problems in my first PG and with BFing very stressful.

He's very, very clever and earns his living trouble shooting, but a tiny helpless by floored him.

Get your DH to talk to his GP, he needs to find talk this through with a third party not rush into a sterilisation.

In the long run two DCs is worth the early investment, but your DH is not ready to hear that argument.

NoComet · 30/06/2012 14:45

Helpless baby - auto correct grrr

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