How do you deal with sick children when you work fulltime?

[FairyMum]

Both DS and DD have got terrible colds this week. Not just your normal winter cold, but really heavy colds. I have still sent them off to school/nursery and I am now feeling so Guuuuilty. I know they would have benefited from a day or two at home and i obviously don't want them to pass it on to others (although everyone seems to have colds at the moment). However, I have already had lots of time off to care for sick children this year and I am reluctant to take more off before Christmas unless they are really sick of course.
What do the rest of you do when your kids are sick? How do make the call whether they are too sick for nursery? I normally keep them home when they have fever, but there are lots of situations when I put calpol in DS and send him off to nursery anyway. Not idea, but otherwise I just couldn't work........

Can I also ask how many days on average you take off a year to care for a sick child, and do you share with your DP/DH?

I work from home, so I'm in a slightly different position - and not necessarily a better one, as I don't have an employer from whom I can claim 'carer leave', and I'm also paranoid people will think 'unreliable Mum'if I renege on deadlines (and no, I can't make it all up in the evenings either). I juggle with DP, who does have a proper job, and quite frankly I lie to people about why I won't be around that afternoon ('I'm in a meeting'. And the minute I feel they can go to their childminder I guiltily send them off.

Morning FairyMum - I know exactly how you feel - both dp and I work full time, dd goes to a childminder. We don't have any family near by so it is always one of us having to take a day off - I used to take it in turns with my dp to be fair to my employers - but have knocked that on the head as dp doesn't get paid if he is off. I have probably had 6 days off this year due to dd being ill and dp has had 5. I used to feel really guilty for letting my employer down - but I don't anymore dd will always be my priority and I never take time off work sick because I am ill. You work through lunch hours etc...work an extra 15-20 minutes here and there for no extra pay, so I look on it as a bit of give and take.
I recently had quite a serious discussion at work as I fely I was being victimised as the only person who had a child - they have this leave chart that everyone can see and on my mine there were these big red dots with a note underneath - day off as child sick - I was furious because because it wasn't noted that other people had left early or had days off for dental/doctor/hair appointments - it was removed quite promptly!!

It's so difficult isn't it. I am also the only mother where I work. Plenty of Fathers, but their Wives are all SAHMs so they don't have the problem....I am also the one taking most days off as DH won't get paid and if he asks for time off for a sick child, people ask him "Well, where is the child's mother?" I can't believe this is still happening in 2003. Please Government, get a bloody move on!
I only had 4 days off work sick children last year, but should probably have taken more days for my children's sake......You are right, DSW, I never take sick days off for myself and I am probably the one with the least days of sick a year. I never take time off for dentist/doctros appointments either, constantly thinking ahead that I might need time foff for sick child.......I still feel that my days off for sick child is noticed more by everyone around me. My boss has commented that I should try to find alternative arrangements and noone asks how my children are when I get back to the office. I have actually decided that next time I need time off I will tell them it's me who is ill. That way it won't turn into a "child-issue".......
Anyway, still feeling guilty sitting here as I should have been home reading and making hot chocolate for my kids. Actually feeling very worried and tearful today.....

I can't believe the chart thing DSW......

Sorry about the spelling mistakes....My excuse is I have been up all night administring calpol and fetching drinks.....

Oh bless you - It difficult to jugglr home/work life - it absolutlet infuriates me. I was quite tearful yesturday and was having a massive guilt trip about dd - it is silly really but I was so upset because I had had to wake her up (she usually wakes of her own accord) to quickly bath and dress her to get to work on time.... I thought my god is it worth it? I am sure if your children are really unwell someone will call you - try not to worry . I really do try and rise above the "child issues" by keeping upto date with current legislation in regards to time off for dependants etc..When I start spouting off they soon be quiet - we don't have an HR department here, so I have to keep on top of it for my own benefit really.

It's really hard to juggle. TBH I try and keep her going for as long as poss and sometimes call in sick myself (did have a bit of a prob when i'd done that and caught a bug off DD after though).

Previously we lived very close to our workplace and we split it so I did 8-12 in work and DH did 12.15 onwards which allowed for him to stay on later. We now live much further away and i'm dreading her getting ill as this arrangement won't work. DH also earns about double my salary so his job is more important, sadly I can't see my boss liking that line!

I think there is still a lot of irritation with working mums/sick kids in many places. my dad is in charge of a large multinational company and when he heard i'd had a day off with DD, after initial concerns for DD he commented "You're in the right sort of job, if some junior accountant said she couldn't come in because her child was ill, she wouldn't last long." Thought that was quite horrible, but probably true.

Oops - spelling!!!

It's a problem for us too - I really wish I had family close by. I'm also guilty of sending DS to nursery dosed up with Calpol and hoping for the best. If I take a full day off work when DS is sick it counts as a day's holiday. If I get "the call" from the nursery when already at work it is conveniently overlooked (not taken as a day's holiday). DH sometimes takes the time off instead of me but claims his job is more important (grrrr). I've taken very little sick leave myself, and never took a day off when pregnant with DS, always arranging antenatal appointments for the beginning of the day. In fact, the only sick leave I've had for the last two years was when I m/c in October.

If I have to take a day or two off with dd, I take it from my annual leave allocation, and then there is no argument or 'censorship' from colleagues. I've had to take about 6 annual leave days during a year for this reason. Recently dd had hand, foot and mouth disease which meant 7 days isolation from other children. Rather than take a whole 5 days leave from work, fortunately my mum came down(she lives 300 miles away) to cover some of it so I only ended up taking 2 days. I guess I am lucky that way.

Dh hasn't really done his share when dd is off sick - but then he is self employed and any time off is unpaid. Whereas if I take annual leave to look after sick dd, at least I still get paid.

Can't believe you feel you have to take annual leave for the odd sick day. You (and fathers) are entitled to reasonable time off to care for dependents or arrange other care for long term problems.
I do sometimes feel that colleagues are peed off when I have had to leave work because dd is ill, but screw them - working mothers tend to be far more reliable in other ways (prob cause we all feel so guilty)
This won't help you Fairymum, but dh and I have worked out a rather good way of juggling. His job involves lots of client entertaining/meetings, but all other admin type work he can do from home. And I work v. close to home, so if dd is ill I go to work in am, he looks after dd until he has to go off for his lunch, then I cover for 2-3 hours. dd is often asleep so I can take work home and get on with it, and then go back to work later (always making a big point of emphasising what I've done at home). BUt then we are both in jobs where we have to be flexible about extra work in evenings/weekends so our employers are also a bit more flexible.

It's that assumption that dads don't have to do it because mums can that drives me BONKERS.

FM, hugs from me. I have just had two days genuinely off sick for me me ME and feel almost selfish about it.

Do you guys get carer leave, or is that up to the discretion of your HR departments?

you're all brave to own up to being off because of your children - I don't know for sure but I think I'd be more than likely to just lie and say it was me that was sick - people seem quite happy to accept that as an excuse from colleagues at work without too much question.
right now I'm lucky cos ds is only 14 months old, has a nanny who's v flexible and also dh and I work lots of different shifts - guess all this lies ahead

When DS was younger I would either make up the day on a day I didn't work - one of the biggest advantages of part-time IMO but still a nightmare to arrange childcare - or take holiday - not so bad because of being part time don't generally need time off for other odd bits. I know it must be really difficult for you full-timers because I know how much I used to struggle even though only part time.

Now DS has suddenly decided to be super healthy and so neither he nor I have had any sick days this year. Although I always save a few days leave entitlement to December just in case. Anyway I'm hoping I have built up some credit at work for next year when I have number 2 and it all goes pear-shaped again! DS even had his operation on a Friday so I managed not to miss any work for that! But yes I have dosed him with calpol and sent him to nursery.

But prufrock I would have to take the leave unpaid and still pay for nursery. Can't afford this.

I don't think you should feel too guilty if you send them to nursery when they're not feeling 100%. To be honest having people around and fun things to do is sometimes better than mooching around at home feeling miserable. I know that invariably when I leave mine with a bad cold the staff tell me they've been fine and happy all day, whereas at home they would have been clingy and feeling wretched.

Prufock,

Are you sure - is this covered by employment law? (i.e. that you can take reasonable time off for sick dependents?)

I really feel for you FairyMum.
I also have a nightmare time with this issue. At the beginning of the year ds1 had chicken pox and as soon as he was well enough to go back to school/childminder ds2 got it. I must have had over 3 weeks off over that period (pro rata as I do 3 days per week). I felt terribly guilty. My boss is very understanding and I know I am lucky, but I am also the only mum in an office of 40 odd people and others aren't so understanding. My dh is also self emplyed so doesn't get paid if he takes a day off - although he does do it on the odd occasion if I have an important meeting or something I feel I really HAVE to be at work for.

I find that when I am sick myself, and normally (before kids) would have had a day off - I soldier on as I feel bad about taking more time off.
I feel like the worst mother in the world when one of them complains of feeling not well, and the first thing I think of is - oh no, does this mean MORE time off work.

I hope your ds and dd are better soon.

HMC - Prufrock is right - you are allowed to take reasonable time off for dependants - but it is at the company's discretion as to whether they pay you or not.

But you shouldn't have to take unpaid leave to sort out childcare emergencies - or is it just my company that gives you paid "compassionate" leave? I thought this was a legal right?

Handlemecarefully, I think the law here is very vague and very open to interpretation. Yes, you are entitled to it, but what is reasonable? IMO that depends on whether you work for a reasonable employer. I tell my manager that as long as my overall time off for sickness is less than the dep. average, then I shouldn't be penalised. So far they have paid me (4 days!), but they have made very clear how grateful I should be. I work with people who are off 20-30 days a year and get paid for every single f''ing day (sorry, felt like swearing). Call me mad, but I actually keep track of every single person's day off in my team. I have a spreadsheet on my computer. I keep it in case I will ever be in real trouble if my kids are sick. I know it sounds very mad.....
I also prefer to tell them I am the sick person, but my children always seem to get sick while I am at work and I have to rush off, so they know it's not me.....

I am so glad I started this thread. Grateful for the support!

I've been really lucky this year and work has turned a blind-eye to me being off to look after DS.

Dp used to take turns with me but he was told he HAS to take it out of his annual leave allowance and is NOT allowed to take unpaid leave as they cannot spare him from the office for more than 25 days a year. As he has been there less than a year they also won't let him take parental leave yet. Unfortunately the law is really wooly on this point IMO and just says you are entitled to "reasonable time off to look after dependants" and doesn't specify whether this can be unpaid or annual leave. He also doesn't have ah HR department and the MD has a book which he interprets how he likes. He also runs into problems because they find it unusual that a man would take time off for his sick child and don't understand that we don't have family near.

It's a sod to take unpaid leave and still have to pay the nursery place but I guess small companies could run into serious financial trouble if they were expected to give employees paid leave for sick children on top of sick pay, maternity pay, holiday pay etc.

I have sometimes taken my (very snotty) DS into work with me to pick up some work to take home so that they can see I am still dedicated and that DS is actually ill. Damn him tho always perks up when he gets into the office!

Prufrock I think most companies would give you paid leave to sort out a childcare emergency but maybe not to become the childcarer yourself. E.g. if your child becomes ill with something contageous so cannot go to nursery you might be allowed a day to sort out alternative arrangements but if they had to be quarentined for 2 weeks most employers might not want to pay you for all that time.

So sorry your kids are poorly Fairymum - try not to worry, I'm sure school/ nursery will call you if they are not OK.
I have just had a very bad period of about four weeks where my dd has been ill off and on and between us my partner and I have taken about four days each to look after her. My DD is only 14 months and I find it very hard to judge first thing in the morning whether she is Ok to go to nursery - especially when she has a bad cold and it seems very bad when she first gets up. I always err on the side of keeping her at home if I'm not sure. I have just taken the time and made up by doing extra hours at home and at the weekend - I am lucky that I can do that. Plus I have a supportive boss and some of my colleagues are also parents so know what the pressures are. My DP is a teacher so it's much harder for him to take time off but we do split it 50:50, otherwise one of us gets really behind with work. Like Prufrock I think it's reasonable for both parents to have time off to care for sick children - and you are of course entitled to 13 wks unpaid parental leave. I'm not sure what job you do, but could you speak to your boss about working more flexibly when your kids are poorly? I realise it's hard to do this in what sounds like a 'male' environment.