only having one

[Alabama100]

Please tell me I'm not the only one just having the one child? I've been made to feel like I'm condemning baby to a life of solitary confinement by not giving her siblings. A nice as siblings can be theres no guarentee they'll be best friends forever.

Please no comments to make me feel bad. Support only.

here

This is the section for one child families - lots of support on there

Think my dd will be the only one - single mum at 40 - so not likely! Does worry me but then I also think how many siblings HATE each other and fall out, even as adults - me and my brother!! And how often it is your closest friends who you really lean on for support. I think therefore the best thing I can do for her is to help become a confident and social young lady who can develop some strong enduring friendships and know how to nurture them. That's the bat plan!!!

Thank you for the link.

The one person in my life that has ever remarked on it negatively is my DM who is the third of four siblings who - ironically - can't stand the sight of each other. That's a QED right there. :) I think you have to stand your corner and, like any other mother, remind people to mind their own business if they start making nasty comments. Knock that whole 'only' business on the head for a start. Nobody says 'only son' or 'only twins' and being sibling-free is emphatically not a handicap. My DS has lots of friends and seems pretty well adjusted. We get to do things larger families might not be able to afford to do. He's never had to compete for my attention or been upset by the arrival of a baby. Home is a place of calm, not petty squabbles. Lots of positives.

Agree with cogito lots of over thinking on this subject. My ds is18 now and has so many friends and a great life in general. Siblings really do not guarantee anything unless you get on ad are really close.

I just had my first a year ago and am 35 - we are unlikely to have a second for a number of reasons and I've been made to feel bad about it too. There are lots of great things about having only one - I try to focus on those. More holidays and better holidays, more experiences because of more money available, being able to focus on the one. My sister and I despised each other growing up and we used to stress my parents out to the core with all our fighting. I have a few friends who don't have siblings and they are incredibly close with their parents so that's a plus too.

We're sticking at one purely out of choice - money, time with DS, time alone together, less aggro. I just know deep down I'd be a horrible, resentful, snappy mum of two. One feels right, and more and more people are doing it.

Have a look at the 'only child' article on Wikipedia if you want extra reassurance. Ah, Wiki and MN - twin gods of the internet.

I don't know why people care what other people think. There are so many advantages and disadvantages to whatever number of kids you have. So my advice is do what you want, or want nature wants, or what finances want, don't look back and enjoy it......and don't justify it to anyone ever!

Ps I have three and I could give you a long list of the advantages of having one

"I don't know why people care what other people think"

I don't particularly care what people think, it's what they say that has the potential to cross a line. :) I know other families get comments... the person with three boys gets 'wouldn't you like a girl?'... the person with five kids gets 'what are you going to do with them all?'... and I don't know why people feel this urge to make these nosey-parker, personal remarks, I really don't. But for parents of one child, the nosey-parker, personal occasionally spills over into a fairly nasty suggestion that you have done that child a major disservice out of selfishness. Which isn't a nice thing to be accused of.

Tbh none of our friends have said anything like that but we do have a fair few with just one! We have an amazing life and are very close so its horses for courses really.

cogitoergo. You are right, people can think what they like but they should keep it to themselves . People judge too much. I can see what you mean about being made to feel selfish about having one, that is totally out of order.

My 14 month old DD will be an 'only'. It's because we're a multi-national family and if we had another child, there's no way we could afford to visit important family members in the States and Germany. We feel our DD would really miss out, so it was an easy decision for us. In our case I'd say it'd be selfish to have another, not the other way around.

She can make friends, she has cousins (all currently 'only' children too)... I'm sure she'll be fine :-)

Stick to your guns!

I have two, and I honestly wish I only had one on most days. I love them both dearly, but there are very few days when our household is free of trouble in some way. When there is only one, you get far more trouble free days - great family days where nobody has been in serious trouble, and you've simply enjoyed each other's company. I find that they almost take turns in being naughty - at the moment it is the oldest who is being a nightmare, with youngest being an angel. While I'm grateful that we don't often have days when they're both being a nightmare, I do wish for more days when they both be angels. It doesn't happen very often, and honestly, it's exhausting.

I didn't want any. Now I have one and, although he is lovely I would never in a million years have another. My pregnancy was horrific for a start (many other reasons but mainly it has never crossed my mind to have another since the day I conceived). I'm an only child and so is DS's father, we are both happy and fine, and have cousins who are like siblings.

I really don't see what the 'only child' fuss is about. People need to get over it.

There is this family nearby us that has two kids quite close together, boy and girl. I see them all the time at the park, shops, passing by, in the car, etc. That family has convinced me that I don't want two, and certainly not two close in age. They are always, always fighting, the boy winds the mum up, and the girl winds the boy up behind the mum's back, so the boy gets told off on all fronts. The mum is mega stressed, etc. you get the picture.
I just imagine the beautiful life the boy and his mum would have if it was just the two of them, which is something you can't really go back to once dc2 is on its way.
Sorry if this is a rant.

My DS is nearly 13 and he is an only one - through choice.

He was born, he is lovely, we adore him and he adores us. I don't need or want another child, and certainly not just to "conform" or make other people happy.

People make all kinds of assumptions, (that he must be lonely, spoilt, unable to share etc). He isn't any of those things. I made sure he went to as many play-groups and friends houses as possible when he was little, school, friends and sport keep him very, very busy now and he is the most generous boy I know (both with his time and with "things"), because I taught him the importance of being so.

Just make the choices that are right for you OP and don't let other people try to influence you.

Thank you Diablo [hug]

I wonder if all the nay sayers are jealous because, lets face it, one is easier than three or four.

The number of threads I read on here from parents with larger families complaining about the price of school trips, how they can't get a hotel room for more than four people, which car will fit three booster seats, how much running around they have to do for after school activities etc etc. One is definitely easier in many respects.

How many children you have is no-one else's business.

Alabama100 I'm and only and don't feel thd need for siblings, never did as a child. I have one son, and would happily just have him as I found being an only so positive. My parents were wonderful, encouraging independence from an early age. My DH is one of 3, and wants more. I guess we'll have that discussion soon enough. My mum also found strangers saying to her 'time for another, don't you think' and told them to sod off (she really did, but not quite as polite as that!). I also get people saying to me 'Ooo, I bet you're spoilt). I follow my mums lead and politely tell them to sod off too.

Thank you alphabeti that really helps

I have one DD, we're veering towards having another, but I also like the idea of our little compact family. Regardless,it really gets on my tits when people think it's okay to judge you for how many children you have. Do what pleases you, cos there will always be somebody who thinks you're doing the wrong thing.

We have one DS, now 19 months. We'd discussed only having one before TTC, and are really happy with our decision.

I had a lovely pregnancy, but then post natal depression once DS was born and I absolutely do not want me, my DH or family to go through that again.

We love being a three, love the opportunities it gives us and are still at the stage when we shudder on passing a newborn in the street!!

Never again for us, bring on the future as our son grows and we can enjoy him for who he is. Let others say what they will - it's our lives, our decision and we're happy. So there!

Love what shoesontheglasslamp has said.

I have just made the decision not to have another child. Our DS is 22 months. Up until recently I always thought I'd have another, my DH didn't want more (because of how hard we've found it) and I've suddenly just come round to his view.

I also had postnatal depression and we've found being parents much tougher than we ever expected. I think I was being very naive to think we would manage with 2. It wouldn't be fair on us or my DS if we got really stressed out again. We've also struggled financially and I'm not sure I can face 4 more years of nursery fees and not being able to afford a holiday or to ever save up enough to buy our own place. And we're not that young either.

I'd rather just have DS and focus on being able to make his - and our - lives a secure, happy and enjoyable place, both emotionally and financially. I feel pretty liberated since I made this decision.

Just having one makes much more sense for us ? and at the end of the day everyone has to do what?s right for themselves and their family, not what other people expect of them or what's considered the norm.