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Original poster

My heart says yes

26 replies

JustFabulous · 26/06/2012 20:25

DS2 is crying because DH has taken his teddy off him after several warnings. I want to go and comfort and settle him. Is that undermining DH and the wrong thing to do?

DD is also crying..

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Original poster
JustFabulous · 26/06/2012 20:37

I couldn't bear it any longer. He is ony 7 and needs his teddies. I told him that he had had chances but gave him the choice of one of mine or dd's. He is settled now.

DD bit dh's head off.

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Sirzy · 26/06/2012 20:39

I would have done the same, I am all for following through on punishments but to take a childs comfort toy away is too much IMO

oldgreyknickertest · 26/06/2012 20:54

Why take a teddy? All children need something to love and sob to.

I would have been far less restrained than you and demanded the teddy, I admire you for not doing so but I certainly would have comforted the teddyless child.

We used to have to have a session of reading no matter what after bad behaviour. Yes I still love you but I don't like your behaviour.

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Original poster
JustFabulous · 26/06/2012 20:58

DS2 left the teddies on the landing. DH asked him to put them away. He didn't so DH said he would take them off him. He still didn't put them away after twice asking him too, so he took them.

I don't agree at all with taking their teddies off them but DH feels sometimes it has to be something that hurts to make them realise.

They have been pretty naughty all month week so DH felt drastic measures.

Anyway, I listened to my instincts and DS2 is sleeping peacefully.

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paranoid2android · 27/06/2012 10:58

Listen to your heart ! That's where all the wisdom in parenting lies.

Original poster
JustFabulous · 27/06/2012 11:20

I think my heart has made be too soft with the kids at times and I am paying for it now.

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wfhmumoftwo · 27/06/2012 13:02

how old is your DS?

Personally i wont take my children teddies from them (they are 5 and 4). They dont need them at school or out and about but do still have them at home for comfort, bed etc and i've no problem with that

The best thing is to try to agree between yourself and DH what rules and expectations you have with your children and to agree suitable punishments before hand so that you can both back each other up otherwise yes it does undermine - this will lead to frustrations from both parents and confusion and manipulation from the child.

Personally i would leave the teddies out of it though

Original poster
JustFabulous · 27/06/2012 14:16

He is 7.

I was at the doctor's when DH took the teddies. DS1 has been and took them back Angry, he really is a pest at the moment. Teddies currently on my bed while I decide what to do.

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EnergyStar · 27/06/2012 14:30

My initial response that was it was cruel, to remove comfort as a random punishment, but as the "crime" directly related to the teddies and your DS was given warning (and he's 7 not 2) I think your DH was right to remove them - a natural consequence of not doing as he was asked.

I also think you are right to console him though - you can say you understand that he is sad at the same time as supporting your DH's decision. As DS1 took them back, I'm afraid I'd have to extend the ban.

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 27/06/2012 14:37

Only 7? My dd (7) and d's (5) have privileges removed with bad behaviour, if that happens at bedtime they are bedtime related, removal of teddies, stories or nightlights (or all 3 on really bad nights) they are by far old enough to know their actions have consequences and I will follow through. They have never gone to bed without a cuddle and kiss and me telling them I love them though. I think maybe you were being too soft but they are your children and that is for you and your H to decide not a stranger.

EdithWeston · 27/06/2012 14:42

I think you need to talk to DH before overturning a punishment. If children learn they can get one parent to remove a sanction imposed by the other, you are storing up huge problems.

My way ahead here would be to to remind him why there is this penalty, and set the conditions for earning back the privilege of having the confiscated Items restored.

AliceInPoundland · 27/06/2012 14:43

I think you need to find something else to stress about.

Annunziata · 27/06/2012 14:43

I would agree with your DH. They have been acting up for the past month- they need to see the consequences. The DC that went and took them back would be in serious trouble too.

Iggly · 27/06/2012 14:44

Well your DH followed through so good for him. Your boy is 7, not a baby so he has to learn. Stick with your DH's decision.

Then later have a discussion about discipline so you don't undermine him (your DH)

COCKadoodledooo · 27/06/2012 14:51

I don't think dh did anything wrong, but equally just by going in to give a hug, and not returning confiscated property, you did nothing to undermine dh. You would have done had you given his teddy back.

Original poster
JustFabulous · 27/06/2012 16:55

Thank you for that AliceinPoundlound.

My child was sobbing, it was late, he needs sleep and I was able to give a compromise. I have texted DH to say I am giving DS2 his teddies back as he was star of the day 2 days running and he is fine with that.

I know I have been far too soft with my children and I am sure lots of you know why, but when I come asking for help it is because I really really need it as I get flamed 99% of the time when I ask for help so it takes a lot to come on and ask.

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Original poster
JustFabulous · 27/06/2012 16:59

Stacey - would yours cry if you took their teddies?

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StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 27/06/2012 19:45

Yes they would cry but if a punishment didn't have an impact it wouldn't work. But Im also pretty hard and would give a sanction for complaining too much about a punishment that they chose (as they would have been warned before it happened)

I'm not flaming I honestly think you have to do what is right for your family.

This eve my ds was playing instead of getting ready for bed, so lost his story, when he started playing up again I said his teddy would go next, he got ready nicely after that. Whatever you do just be consistent. Good luck.

Original poster
JustFabulous · 27/06/2012 20:08

I know you are right. I just knew DS2 would cry and cry for absolutely ages and it was already past his bedtime. He needs 11.5 to 12 hours sleep or he doesn't manage.

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StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 27/06/2012 20:17

It's done now, don't beat yourself up about it! Tomorrow is another day.

pigletpower · 28/06/2012 14:26

Your boy is 7 and he still gets tearful if his teddies are taken away? I may think about taking them away permanently.If he mentions his teddies at school it would be social suicide.Wink

Original poster
JustFabulous · 28/06/2012 18:30

Ridiculous. Fortunately his friends at school are kind and friendly and wouldn't dream of being so unkind.

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EdithWeston · 28/06/2012 18:45

Look at the time the thread was started. It was definitely tears before bedtime.

That's why I suggested the plan to "earn" them back - if he was having terrible fears they'd gone for good, he'd never sleep. But a bit of reassurance, and an understanding they can be on the way back might be enough to calm him enough to drop off.

And tomorrow is always another day.

Sirzy · 28/06/2012 18:48

Piglet seriously? When i take groups of under 10s away most have a teddy, even in older children a good few bring a cuddly toy with them.

EnergyStar · 28/06/2012 22:10

Don't be ridiculous Piglet. DS2 took his stuffed dog for toy day at the end of last term. He's 9, still has lots of friends and everything...

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