DD(12)'s controlling friend

[bluejeans]

DD is 12 and off to high school after the summer. Over the past year there have been changes in allegiances between the girls in her class but they seem to have settled down into new friendship groups. DD is very friendly with one girl who I will call X. X seems a lovely sweet girl and has been over for sleepovers, on days out with us etc. They were allowed to chose who would be in their class at high school and DD and X are together. So far so good.

I have started to notice that DD seems to be at X's beck and call - eg this weekend X was going to come round but hadn't confirmed details. DD took phone into her room and refused to do anything else until she had heard from X. Eventually X phoned to say she was busy and couldn't come round. A lot of this sort of thing happening.

Anyway - I'm not sure if it's fair on DD now she's growing up but I often have a quick look at her email account. Got a bit of a shock yesterday. Going back over the previous month or so there are a lot of extremely controlling emails from X along the lines of 'you really upset me when you talked to Y at school today' type of thing. DD replying 'I hope we're still BFFs' etc and X replying with stuff like 'I don't know I'll have to think about it' type emails, keeping her hanging on with more and more emails saying stuff like 'I'll give you one more chance but you need to learn to treat me properly' etc etc. It was worse but I can't bring myself to go back and have another look. Lots of emails from DD grovelling

They seem to make up then it happens again - I know this is normal to some extent for girls but the tone of Xs emails really chilled me

Should I do anything? They're 12 (well X is 11) so not sure how much I want to get involved but I want to warn DD that X is manipulating her in an unacceptable way. I can't help thinking it may get worse when they start high school with a class full other girls they don't know

Can anyone with experience of this type of situation advise? DD has managed to avoid this type of thing up to now - maybe we've just been lucky. Sorry this is so long!

Thanks for replying. The requests for who is placed together are organised through the primary school (almost everyone going to same high school) and this has been the talk of the class for the past couple of months. I doubt if I could change it now (last week of term) and DD would be horrified if I intervened to this extent. At the moment she doesn't know I've seen the emails - I do see where you're coming from though.

This happened to me when I was in primary school, I remember being heartbroken! It was difficult because our mums worked together too, I didn't feel that I could tell her.

Ultimately, we went to high school and I met lots of new people who were much nicer and more fun to be with.

I sympathise though, it's a horrible situation. Your poor DD. could you broach a discussion on relationships and respect in some way?

I don't have any experience as such but can you encourage your DD to be friends with a wider group of girls, not just X? She'll have more girls to choose from when she goes to high school, won't she? Maybe this will just die a natural death.

Find other things to do as well so that she isn't tied to X's whims over the holidays - try and give your DD more confidence to not care so much about X or her silliness.

girls at this age can be very manipulative and nasty, as well as controlling. I say this because it happened to me from around the age of 9/10 to 12. Horrible awful days of being bullied and having no friends. I would strongly advise you to stop dd from seeing her and encourage her to start some after school clubs or activities to make new friends. dd needs above all things, plenty of self esteem and confidence in herself, then she will not feel the need to bow to other's expectations etc. Hope it goes well

Thanks for all the replies!

DD does have a few friends from outside school, including one who has moved away who she will see over the holidays, I like the idea of keeping her busy over the holidays and out of X's is way, while also boosting her self esteem as much as possible to help her cope in difficult situations.

Good idea re having a chat about friendships and respect

Think I am just so shocked as X seems very nice and sweet. It's deceptive. Her mother has never seemed very friendly. Maybe they are in it together.

There must be some books / films that address this. They might be fiction but would allow a discussion. Off the top of my head, try "The Tulip Touch" by Ann Fine but some teen movies will, surely, address this.

If they haven't actually announced the new class groups then there is still time to speak to someone at school and see if there is a chance to change it without it being too obvious.

At ds's school they have to give at least 3 names I think and they will only say that they will try to make sure everyone is with at least one of the people they put on the list - so as long as at your dd's school they have to put more than one person there is a chance that they will be able to put it down to 'just the way things worked out' rather than 'your mother asked us to keep you away from x'. They have also told us that the classes for next year will be announced on July 6th (I think - ds is moving on to the junior school but a different one from most of his friends so not so relevant for him this year) - does your school let you know when the classes will be announced?

I think it is at least worth a mention to somebody you trust at the school - if they don't manage to change things and they are together then you tried and you haven't lost anything. But if they do manage to change something, then you are going to feel really relieved come september and your dd will not have this girl watching over her at every opportunity. Plus she will have the holidays to get over it and reduce the reliance on x.

Just been having a look at books - thank you, DD only interested in Jacqueline Wilson at the moment but I guess it's something she has probably covered! Also interested in some sort of non fiction book. I'm on an economy drive at the moment so going to try the library. Tulip Touch sounds interesting!

zipzap yes they did each choose 3 names of friends to go into the same class with. Unfortunately we're in Scotland so end of term here already. The classes were announced a few weeks ago and DD has already had her induction days at the high school where they were in their new classes. If wish this had come to light sooner as I would've definitely spoken to the teacher. To be honest I'm not sure whether or not it's a good idea that they can choose!

Think will definitely discourage DD from seeing X during the summer, luckily X doesn't live within walking distance so it makes it a bit easier to control.

We had a similar situation. My dcs' school is very small so friendships are very protected. When a new girl arrived, I invited her over and she and dd got along very well, but the next time I asked if she would like this girl over, dd said no, and wouldn't say why. A bit later it all came out that dd's best friend had been giving her a hard time about being friends with the new girl, and I found out later she had been quite nasty to the girl too. DD's "best friend" would also do some odd manipulative things too - they once came out of school asking if the best friend could come over, I said yes and dd looked pleased, then the girl said "oh actually I don't want to after all".

DD told me about the problem with the best friend being worried that dd would become the new girl's best friend instead. I suggested that she explain to her friend that just because she liked to be with the new girl sometimes, it didn't mean she was no longer her friend. At the time DD didn't seem to like that suggestion but she must have said something in the end as we haven't had any problems for ages.

I think if you could find a way to bring up the situation during a general chat about friendships, you could then suggest something similar to her. Maybe you could tell her a story about when you were her age and had a problem with friends? I think it's a good idea to get her involved in activities which will widen her circle but she could get hassle from the friend about this so you will need to prepare her and help her with what to say.

Thanks pico yes, sounds like a similar situation, glad your DD's situation sorted itself out!

I think a general chat is in order, we're off on holiday soon so there should be plenty of opportunity.

I saw X last night (first time since reading emails!) and she gave me a huge butter-wouldn't-melt-in-the-mouth smile...I may have accidentally glared at her!