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Low self-esteem in 9 year old dd

6 replies

Dancergirl · 25/06/2012 21:49

I am very worried about my 9 year old dd2 (middle of 3 girls). She has always been an emotional child but she seems v unhappy. Although she is extremely bright academically, she struggles to find activities that she feels she's good at and enjoys doing. She's not sporty at all, although I do try to encourage it, and is quite un-coordinated so finds lots of physical activities difficult.

The problem is she compares herself to her older sister who, although not as bright, is more of an all-rounder. They both do ballet but dd1 is very good it and spends much of the week doing classes so it's really her thing. I think dd2 wants to have a 'thing' that hers only. She tried piano for a bit and gave it up, she's been learning recorder at school and now is fed up with that. She does do drama which she enjoys but that brings it own problems. For example, she was keen to audition recently for a local amateur production of the Sound of Music. She didn't get a part which resulted in lots of self-pity - 'I knew I wouldn't get a part, I was rubbish, I'm rubbish at everything, sometimes I wish I'd never been born' etc I know she can be overly dramatic but I do worry that she's so hard on herself.

I always tell her how much we all love her and often point out her wonderful qualities but it doesn't seem to be enough for her.

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wadecollins · 26/06/2012 00:10

If she enjoys ballet, could she try some other form of dance, one that her older sister doesn't do so that direct comparisons are avoided? Does she do any cooking at home - could that become her "thing"?

I think it's definitely right to listen to your daughter's concerns and reassure her, but if the conversation gets to the point where your daughter is going over her "failings" again and again, I think subtly diverting her into some kind of activity is a good idea.

Re the not getting the part in the drama production, have you pointed out to her that she is in good company in that even most famous actors will have had experience of going for parts and not getting them?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/06/2012 08:26

If she's academic then maybe her 'thing' will turn out to be something in that line. Maybe it won't be a club she can join or an activity as such. Left alone for a time with no outside inteference, what are you most likely to find her doing?

Dancergirl · 26/06/2012 09:17

She's a reader, completely addicted to it. She's the type of child who walks along with her head in a book and would read all day every day if she could. I know eventually her academic ability will work in her favour but at the moment she doesn't realise it. She just wants to fit in a bit more with her peers I think. She couldn't jump as a toddler and now even with the ballet her teacher says she hasn't got much elevation. She can't skip with a skipping rope like the other girls at school. These things are really important when you're 9.

Dh thought some sort of martial art may suit her plus it might release all her frustration, but she's not interested. Unless I just take her to try a class to see...

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/06/2012 09:48

I was that DD as a kid ... :) Head permanently in a book, quite shy but longing to be one of the cool kids. My parents also tried to get me to 'join in' with all kinds of activities & sports but I have two left feet for dancing, can't catch a ball if my life depended on it and still get cold-sweats if I put on a pair of skates. My escape was music - specifically ensemble singing. Easier than learning a musical instrument and not as daunting as standing on a stage solo squeaking your way through Doh-Re-Mi. Still do it now.

Dancergirl · 26/06/2012 14:41

That's interesting cogito and funnily enough I've been discussing singing with her. She didn't want to join the school choir but that was a while ago and now she's enjoying her drama class (they also do singing and dance), she thinks she may want to develop the singing. And the advantage of having your voice as your instrument, as I've pointed out to her, is that you can take it with you and practice wherever you are!

She's v sensitive and finds the everyday minor school upsets very hard to brush off. She thinks she's unpopular but the problem with that is, once you start to think it, you give off the wrong vibes. Tbh, I think the kids find her hard work as she's so tempermental. One of the mums at school said her dd said (who's in the same class) that dd cries a lot which I can believe.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/06/2012 17:30

Have you chatted to her teacher? Could be that she needs a bit of help in coping with the everyday things she finds upsetting. At DS's school they were very hot on the pastoral, personal development side of things.

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