how to improve dd's confidence (3.5)?

[rhetorician]

her temperament is shy and retiring, but I can see her struggling in social situations (tugging at her clothes, or making funny faces, or talking in nonsense words). She can interact well if she feels happy/confident, but I also find her often saying that she can't do things, even if she can or knows the answer to something. It's fine to be shy (many of the best people are!) but people comment on it to her quite often, and I think this makes her even more self-conscious. She quite often will not speak at all in an unfamiliar situation - I don't pressure her to do so.

She can be quite naughty, defiant and cheeky at home (in short perfectly normal for 3 and a half)

How is her relationship with her dad?

No advice as such but my dd1 (3.3) is exactly the same, so I shall be watching this thread with interest!

er, why do you ask? I'm not being touchy (I hope) but it seems like an odd question to ask. We are a same-sex couple, and both dds see their dad every 6 weeks or so (plus his parents). Not sure how this is relevant.

Bump.
Anyone?

Some psychoanalytic models stress the relationship with the father where a child shows problems with confidence in social situations - this is why I asked. feel free not to elaborate if you aren't interested in this take though

I don't have any issue with same sex couples btw, far from it, just trying to offer some insight into the issue

I think a great builder of self-confidence is feeling useful - can she help you make a cake, help you set the table, etc? obviously she needs lots of praise and love but you probably do loads of that already.

imho some fun activities, music group or dance class - not the strict "ballerina" variety, obv, the fun stuff. If you've got two children then even better, send both?!

well I guess her relationship with her father is good, but perhaps not as good as I might have hoped - this is primarily because he has quite pushy parents who are keen to muscle in on his contact time. Clearly this is an issue that only he can resolve and only if he wants to (which I think he doesn't). She is currently quite interested in dads - and seems to think that you only have a dad if he lives with you...

She gets lots of praise and she certainly behaves much much better when I give her things to do - generally she will do them without too much fuss. There are clear trigger points for not behaving well (involving not listening, not answering questions etc) - tonight's was that dd2 is overtired and will not settle, so my DP is with the baby (which is fair enough as a trigger really).

I think drama or dance might be helpful but most places won't take them until 4. She is quite quirky and interesting to talk to, but not very assertive around other children. E.g. will not go on playground stuff if another child 'we don't know' is on there. She is getting better and helmondo I've found arranging 1:1 playdates with children of people I know has been positive - e.g. I am there chatting to my friend/neighbour so DD can choose to take the social interaction at her pace - or not at all

How does her dad model social interaction to his dc?

not sure I understand the question, essential - his relationship with his father in particular is quite antagonistic - based on lots of verbal aggression, which I don't like, but I guess they don't see him that much in a social setting, as he would tend to take dd1 out and about places. They see him for a weekend 6x a year, so I'm not sure how much influence he has at this stage - it's only relatively recently that dd has spent time alone with him (which she enjoyed)

Sorry the question is how does your daughter's father interact with other people when your daughter is with him, not sure whether this is a question you can answer though if you don't witness this yourself?

If your dd's father is fearful or aggressive to the outside world this can have a big impact on how your dd perceives the wider world

well I'd say he is mostly polite and respectful, although will certainly defend her corner (and his) if he feels that anyone has been unjust. He is quite young (irrelevant) and not really used to the company of small children (possibly irrelevant too, as this was true of me until I had one as well). He is very chatty and sociable, actually, charming and good at getting his own way through pure brass neck (she has some of these latter qualities - in environments where she feels comfortable, anyway). Is that the kind of thing you mean? (sorry if I was being obtuse - am a bit sleep deprived in my defence). Which models do you have in mind? Am interested as it happens - I suppose we need to think a bit more about the implications of not having a father figure present in the house for her - even though she has 2 loving, very present parents, nonetheless...

I think the whole thing depends whether you're going to 'tackle' the issue from a social interaction / constructivism pov, or attachment, or just deal with building the little one's interest and confidence in her own ability using mum-sense... I have to say I'd take the other stuff into account but just go for the latter :) I think we all have our worries about our dc in social situations, but the bottom line is that until they've built up considerable experience and strategies in social situations, and started to get over the anxiety of it all, then we are best facilitating as many of these opportunities as possible. I have three dc, one asd and two nt, and if anything I was less concerned about the eldest who turns out to be AS .
What are your personalities like? I'm fairly sure one of my children is very like me, and positively hated social gatherings, strange faces, noise, etc - and this is one of the NTs, as I did. I distinctly remember hating going to playgroup as a 4 year old... it's natural that your dc will have an amount of similar traits to you, whether you want to call it nature or nurture is almost irrelevant!

I teach expressive arts - music, dance and drama, and for music and dance we take them from 3yo in a fun class, nothing formal. The confidence growing is awesome. Most are there because their parents are shy and won't dance at a party or talk to a stranger. This is why they're motivated to get their children some confidence. It often works on the parents too :)

mrsS3 - that's very helpful, thank you. Well her biological mum (not me) is quiet and quite shy, and even now social gatherings make her anxious. I am more sociable, but not exactly the life and soul! DD is improving, but is easily overwhelmed or nonplussed (e.g. today we went over to play with a little boy that she had a brilliant time with last time, but he was tired and a bit cranky and she was really disappointed and wasn't really sure how to handle it) and on the positive side is almost always enthusiastic about the idea of social interaction even if she doesn't want to join in when she actually gets there...so she loves parties in theory, but will not move from my side when there.

oh and I do often think that we expect things of children, socially, that we don't expect of ourselves, even though they are still only learning ('say hello to the lady' type of thing)

As there is not a great deal of contact with the father my top confidence boost would be to use the strategies in the book Playful Parenting to boost your child's confidence.

Some things which fathers typically do more of is physical play/ wrestling. This is very beneficial to kids and is talked about in the book. No reason at all why women cannot interact like this with dc although for many women it is not the default style of interaction.

yes, I like that book Playful parenting and that approach does work really well with dd1 - turn it all into games, diffuse conflict, lots of reaffirmation. I actually do quite a lot of physical play with her - perhaps not enough - she is quite a physical child. Thanks for your suggestions.

I love that book too!
Your child will certainly pick up on the fact that her other mum feels anxiety in social situations so if you are more socially confident this will have a positive impact in itself. Let your dd watch you interact socially if that's what she wants to do, there is no need to push her if she doesn't feel ready for some situations yet.

I don't mind social interaction - pretty sure that I am not very good at it though!

Just the fact that it doesn't make you anxious and that you do it is helpful and reassuring role modelling

Hi. I used to be very concerned about my eldest child - at 3 he was shy, would completely freeze in new situations, simply wouldn't talk to people he didn't know etc. He was chatty and very articulate with me.

He refused point blank to join in any "clubs" until he was 6 years old. Even getting him to swimming lessons involved tears, meltdowns etc.

At nursery, he was happy to play, but refused to join in any of the activities involving outside teachers (private day nursery, so French, yoga, music groups etc).

Eventually, I just took a step right back, and just decided this was who he was, and stopped worrying.

Move forward 3 years - he is now in year 3 at his local state school. He is Class Rep, has at least 2 clubs a day, is confident in class, plays tennis for his club, football, swims, and has recently done his piano prep test - which involved going into a room, on his own, talking to and then playing to a complete, and pretty strict, stranger.

He is never going to be outgoing, and is still quite self-conscious, but it just shows you that they all find their own way, if you let them.