What to say to 2 yr old when other toddlers hit/push etc

[smartieknickers]

I know that toddlers do all sorts of horrid things to each other and that this is a perfectly normal developmental stage, but my DS, who is just 2, seems to regularly end up being the 'victim' of other toddlers' pushing, hitting etc and I'm hoping that someone might be able to give me some suggestions about what to say to him afterwards.

My DS is a happy, contented little soul who plays nicely by himself and with his little friends, and it genuinely doesn't seem to be in his nature to hit or push others (I am aware that this may change as he gets older of course, but that seems to have been the case until now at least). My concern is that when we have playdates with his friends and there is some kind of altercation where he ends up getting pushed over or hit and is upset afterwards, I am never sure what is the best thing to say to him. The other mother is usually mortified and tells their little one off, and I talk to my DS to reassure him that he is ok, and then I explain that what the other child did wasn't very nice, that we don't push/hit/whatever, and that the other child is being told not to do it again. Then we all just kind of move on to playing with the next toy and don't make a big deal of it.

I want him to understand that the other child's behaviour isn't nice so that he doesn't start emulating it himself, but I also don't want to 'scare him off' his friends, if that makes sense. I also don't want to overplay this kind of incident (they're toddlers - these things are going to happen quite a lot!) , but I don't want him to think that it doesn't matter if someone else pushes him around, and I find that a hard balance to strike. Any ideas?

I know it may sound like I'm over-thinking all this, but my DS really does seem to be quite sensitive to it. His speech is good for his age and he will often talk about incidents where so-and-so pushed him and their mummy said "no, we don't do that" etc etc... Today we were at a playdate and one of his friends pushed him down the stairs (fortunately I wasn't far behind him at the time so he didn't fall far) - he was quite upset at the time and he talked about it all the way home and then in his cot after he'd gone to bed so it was clearly on his mind...

Sorry for the looooooong post... Appreciate your help!

I treat it in a fairly similar manner to you.
In my case, I've taught small child to say 'ah-ah' (accompanied by appropriate finger wagging) pushing is naughty. Then, like you, explain that the behaviour (not the child) was naughty, and that's why xx's mother said "no, we don't do that".
I then just add on praise for how well behaved small child was in not retaliating. It took a few weeks, but the behaviour doesn't seem to upset as much now, and, interestingly, it doesn't happen as much either. Still have the talking about it afterwards though.

Bumping... got same problem myself. Especially as my sweet natured little boy gets pushed and hit by the rougher sons of my best friends .

It upsets him terribly and I'm never sure what to say... Apart from that other kids are little shits and it's okay to push them back the buggers I feel like I fluff it every time .

Moonlight I hadn't thought of praising for not retaliating, mainly because he hasn't shown any signs of doing it, but I'll keep a careful eye as I'm sure it's only a matter of time.

noclue My boy is such a sweet little soul too and it makes me so sad to see him getting hurt and upset, but like you it's my really good friends' little ones who seem to be the worst offenders so what can you do??

My DS is just like yours. I'm never sure what to do either - if we're at a toddler group I'll happily tell the other child to stop hurting him, but I feel really awkward when it's the child of a good friend. It seems some children enjoy hurting other children, or maybe like the reaction they get - who knows how a toddler's mind works?! Then either the mother will be mortified and cross and the child will spend most of the time being told off or in time-out, or the behaviour will have become so normalised for her that she won't notice her DC is terrorising others. I end up exaggerating tales of when my DS has misbehaved, so I don't end up looking smug, and it's hard for it not to affect the friendships.

God, I end up doing that all the time too! I always try to make sure it's out of earshot of DS, but what else can you do when the mother of the child who's just clobbered yours over the head with a book says "oh you're so lucky, your DS is so good" - say "yes he is isn't he?" Or give them some advice as to how to discipline their little horror darling more effectively? I think I'd soon find myself without any mummy friends if I actually said what I'd like to say to them...!