How to you stop yourself butting in when DP etc is looking after baby?

[NellyBluth]

DD is 5mo and I'm realising that I am actually getting worse at telling people what to do with her, rather than better.

She is DC1 but the irony is I'm not generally pfb - DP looks after her alone regularly while I go shopping/have some time to myself, I've been away for 24 hrs, she has spent a few nights with my parents, and she's even been to the future childminder twice while I went to appointments. I have complete confidence in how my DP and parents look after her, I have absolutely no issues with or concerns about what they might do. It's as if 'out of sight is out of mind' (in a nice way!) - when I'm not in the same house, I relax and feel happy that DD is well looked after.

But when I'm in the house... christ, I don't know how DP hasn't lost it with me yet! I just stick my nose in. All the time . I'm constantly reminding DP how to do stuff with her, or going to see what is happening when she cries, or nagging him to take her for a walk so she sleeps for exactly 1 hour... Basically, it boils down to the fact that I'm still on mat leave so I do most of her care at the moment, so I know best what she does and doesn't like. So if she cries, I know why, and I'll go and tell DP what's wrong, or if he is holding her in a way she doesn't like, I point that out. Considering DP goes out of his way to look after DD when he is at home (he works long hours) its just so rude to him to be butting in all the time! He will always figure out what she needs, it just might take a minute or two more than it would for me.

Does anyone have any tips how to stop myself constantly telling him and my parents what to do? Bless him, the poor man isn't doing a single thing 'wrong' and its just me being a bit of a control freak. This is his daughter, and their granddaughter, and I don't want to be that irritating mum any more!

OP you are me! Sorry about that . This is what I did today I said to DH (who had been taking care of dts today and I had a bit of time to myself) "you are a great dad (true), neither of us really know what were doing here but we are learning and you love them so much and were all really lucky to have you" then I said "youre holding dt2 wrong" or something but he took it ok!

Bite inside of cheeks and count to 10 whilst mentally chanting 'does it really matter?'

You'll look odd but then at least it won't just be me...

I save true interjections now for the big stuff. Like him nearly pulling DC2's (6mo at the time) arms off because he forgot she wasn't DC1 (3yo). And also remembering that I was the one she was with when she fell off the bed.

I used to be like this then I had to tell myself to stop. I realised that it is a good thing as they get used to the way you do things and the way daddy does things. They will get used to the difference and feel safe and secure with everyone's slight differences in the way they do things. It's part of life I suppose. IYSWIM.

Leave the house.

You have GOT to get on top of this.

Columbo - at reminding yourself about the bed.

I am so relieved to hear I'm not the only one who does this! This afternoon I gave DD to DP and asked him to look after her for an hour so I could go and have some 'me time' with a good book - but then went in ten minutes later when I knew she was starting to grumble for food and he hadn't immediately jumped up and started heating the bottle...

Charl, that's a really good way of looking at it, thanks. I should really focus on that as when I go back to work in a few months, DP will probably care for DD more than I do. One of the problems is that DP is much less sure on DD's 'routine', so he's always asking "is it food time yet?", so I tend to jump in first as I know he doesn't quite know what needs to be done... but it's probably me jumping in all the time that means he isn't sure!! Gah.

I'll write her current feed and awake times up and stick it on the fridge, that way DP can see if she might be crying for food or sleep without me chasing him down. Maybe that will help me ignore it!

Joan, I do leave the house loads and it doesn't bother me in the slightest when I'm out - but sadly I can't leave the house every single time DP is looking after DD for half an hour...

sounds like you have a very balanced approach generally to your pfb and I was/am the same as you - very often out of the house etc and have no issues with DP's ability to cope. When DC2 was almost due he took DS away for a few days and they had a great time and it did the world of good for DPs confidence. As for your butting in, well, just try and look the other way, use earplugs / earphones whatever it takes. Its actually good for the Dcs to learn that not everyone does things the same way. DS prefers me to wash his hair but DP to do his teeth but if it happens to be the other way round, well he just has to get on with it. Your DD might prefer thinghs one way but it will help you a lot in the future if she can cope with variation. Maybe if you tell yourself it's good for her it will help you

I was like this, it only went away when DC2 arrived and sleep deprivation has led me to realise it doesn't matter :o

This is really, really hard. I try so hard not to step in, but it does get better, honestly!

How about taking 20 p out of your own spending money each time you do it and pop it into a 'Sorry DH' jar. He can then go and spend it on a pint or something!!!

Leave the room, leave them to it. It's the only way I can stop myself from constantly advising/interfering/annoying.....ds is 8 weeks today

Thanks all! At least other people have struggled with this and I'm not a complete control freak.

Really like the suggestions that it is actually in DD's best interests to learn that different people will do things differently, I'll focus on it being good for her in the long run if DP doesn't do it how she is used to.

And if that doesn't work - chitchat, I think I'll have to start fining myself - though I suspect he'd be buying himself a pint every other day at this rate!!!