The constant daddy preference is really getting me down

[WinkyWinkola]

I just want to leave them all to it and fuck off by myself.

I'm the one who gets them to do their homework, practise piano, gets them dressed and out to school, cleans their teeth, ferries them to play dates, swimming, karate etc. Getting ds1 ready for anything is hellish as he is very defiant and argumentative about everything.

Dh is the one who will buy them oodles of sweets, is generally a Father Christmas dad and they all want him all the time.

We got a dog recently. Nice dog but of course it's all down to me to walk him etc nobody else
willing. Source of another battle with the dcs.

Dh has it so easy. They just want him all the time. They do whatever he wants - apart from ds1 who is a defiant problem anyway ( he sees a counsellor for his extreme behaviour). With me, they just scream for their father.

If I did leave, dh would just get his mother down who who relish the opportunity to take over as she does nothing with her days.

I'm 30 weeks pg and moaning and groaning but I'm just sick of the constant conflict with my dcs over their sodding father. Have him then. I really want I just disappear and not be there anymore.
I'm not looking for gratitude at all. Just a few times when I say it's time for school or to walk the dog, not to be met with screaming, howls for daddy etc.

Dcs are 7, 5 and 2.5.

I've left them all with him whilst I walk the dog and he hoovers house to get ready for house sale photos tomorrow. A task that has taken him three hours.

It's constant daily rejection by my dcs for their dad.

I'm not big enough to deal with it all the time. It hurts my feelings and makes me feel utterly shit as a parent and as a person.

Same here.

DS1 is 4 and a half, DS2 is 2. Both ask for Daddy / refuse my comfort when they are hurt, always ask for Daddy. It is frustrating and some days it really gets to me. But then I'm not pregnant and so really should cope with it!

I've spoken with DH about it at length and I'm really trying to spend quality time with each DS by themselves. I'm hoping it will have an effect. DH is so much more fun than me I know, I get dragged down by the day to day mundane shit that needs doing. I'm trying to address that. It's hard isn't it.

I'm jealous. Hurt. When they're all together they're just so happy.

Then I come into their bubble as the bad guy with a meal that I expect them to at least try or the fact the older two haven't done their reader for next week or that the dog needs a walk or that the Wii has been on for 4 hours now or that it's bedtime.

Why should I bother any more? Because I'm a SAHM and it is me who will be painted as the bad, irresponsible parent.

It sounds like you are doing all the parenting and dh is doing the fun stuff.

Can he do more parenting chores? Ie do the school run or home time? If he's 'too busy at work' can he change jobs? Why should you bear the brunt of it all.

If not, can you lower your standards so you are not always enforcing? Stuff the piano practise, stuff the homework. Easier said than done I know but you sound so down.

Or get your mil down to help. She won't be around forever, use her to your advantage.

Poor you - hugs

I think enjoy your walks with the dog, listen to some music you like and get away from it all, see it as a bit of "me" time and now in pregnancy, maybe dh could take them off your hands a lot more at the weekends, so you can just recover and relax a bit (don't do a manic house cleaning drive). Cut out anything you can cut out.

Sorry you sound so down. You're closest to them, that is why they take it all out on you.

Print this out, show it to him, share it with him and your midwife.

The thing is dh has always taken them off my hands at the weekend for an afternoon
Here or there.

Now that sounds great but it appears to have generated a real 'us and her' group mentality. I'm the pita who insists on no more lollies after the second one, bedtime isn't to be 9pm etc.

I'm not part of the fun - that's life and I accept that to a large extent. I still find it hurtful and it really does look like they prefer him and love him more.

Who wouldn't though if one parent were full of fun, sweeties and few boundaries?

I could act the same way but then it would be crazy because dh would never reign me in.

It's hard when you feel that there is some unconscious competition going on that I refuse to participate in but I'm losing, iyswim?

I imagine in future when they phone home as adults, they'll give me some cursory small talk and then ask for their father!

Poor poor me! But I do hate it. And feeling jealous and sad.

Have you talked to your DH about all of this? He will be the main way of addressing all of this, supporting you, talking with you, addressing the imbalance with how time is spent with the kids. He needs to be doing more of the mundane stuff, you need to be spending quality time with your DC away from the mundane stuff. You need to be a united front on this, in terms of boundaries and both instilling these, probably him moreso at the moment. Can he start instilling more boundaries, so rather than you saying no more 9pm bedtimes, lollies etc, that he is the one communicating this with the kids? He needs to support you more.

I have talked to him about it. But he says he forgets or where's the harm? But he's the first to complain if they've not done their school reading in time or practised their one piano piece.

I'm in a lose-lose situation. I actually once was so frustrated by constantly being the bad guy when he's around that I asked him to move out because I cannot work in a parenting team with him.

I'm now going to suggest Mummy-Child afternoons where I take one child out and do what they want just with me.

Tbh I think it's your partner thats the problem here. He cannot be the fun parent all the time your dcs need disclipine and boundaries from both of you and it seems very unfair that your relationship with your children is so unbalanced. Sounds like and sorry if his harsh but that he needs to grow up forgetting etc is just not a valid reason he is a grown up. I'm sorry you are feeling so down I would suggest talking to him again.

My DH has always been the 'fun' one. DD1 particularly was always daddy's girl.

But our last baby is a velcro baby and only wants mummy. All the time. She is 5 and still only wants mummy. I was moaning about her to DH and he laughed and said "do you remember saying 'this one's mine' when she was born? Be careful what you wish for"

Poor you! DH sounds like the problem. You need to just stop doing certain things, and just take more time to have fun with them and less time enforcing. There is no rule that mummy has to be the one to make sure things happen - daddy shares the responsibility for that. So don't ask him to do it (you've tried that already), just say, I'm pregnant with no 4, can't do this anymore, you need to step up, make sure homework is done, I'll take them out for fun that one weekend afternoon while you stay home and do the chores and cook and do the no -fun stuff.

Was going to write pretty much the same thing as henrysmama.

He needs to step up to the plate without his mummy there to step into the breech. So do only essentials no play dates, no afterschool clubs, no worrying about piano practice or reading. If the kids complain ask them to talk to Daddy about it as you are too big and too tired at the moment so for a few weeks won't be able.

Actually how is the rest of the relationship if he refuses to cooperate and coparent, what else does he just ignore?

also what did his parents do? Is he re-creating his family life, or re-inventing it as he had an absent dad?

Perhaps some parenting rules would help? So when the children are asleep agree a set of boring and very specific rules. ie bedtime is always 8.30. There is only ever one lolly.

If he constantly breaks the rules then perhaps it tells you that despite the fine words, he doesn't want it to be any different.

Bloody tricky for you!

are you around winky? How are you feeling today?

I just don't think dh is interested in the same kind of structure I am. I think he thinks I'm making a fuss about nothing. He doesn't think the dcs prefer him - they just don't see him as much so they get more excited. Perhaps he's right.

I am going to draw up basic rules for us to follow. He won't though. He'll forget or just be too tired and take the easy option of not saying no.

I think this could be a deal breaker actually in future, because I don't want to live like this and if he shows that he really isn't bothered, then I'm not bothered. He can go live elsewhere and indulge them every other weekend if he wants.

I can understand why you are feeling fed up with it all but with a primary school dc, a toddler and a baby on the way, now is not the best time for the marriage to fail.