Please reassure me that you don't have to be a robot to raise children

[Hairytoe]

Struggling a bit with 3 kids, various issues.

I try so hard to be the calm, unflappable, consistent parent.

But I am emotional. And although 90% of the time I control that and hide how angry or upset I am in a situation sometimes i do take things personally, I do lose my temper, I do cry.

Please tell me I'm not messing them up completely.

Sorry bit more info I do have some issues with anxiety and depression but pretty mild. Beginning to think I'm not stable enough to have had kids which rationally is crazy as many people with mild to more serious mental health issues have children. Looking for a bit of friendly reassurance tbh.

It's a hard one. I had a robot parent and it didn't do me any favours as I'm really emotional too. I know someone else who's a bit of a robot and it's because his mum was super emotional! (Though he married a super emotional woman). I think it's good that kids see that they've made you angry and that they can have an impact on your emotions. However, not good to get 'out of control' (although I have) and always important to talk it through afterwards with them rather than ignoring it eg. did it upset them when you cried? Why? (if they're old enough). Mine are still little so it's hard to have conversations, but I always apologise afterwards if I shout or lose my temper. (It's also good to model saying sorry and acknowledge that you can be wrong, even if you are the parent).

I also have same issues hairytoe and am on a low dose of anti-depressant. It helps. I also feel like I am trying my best in admitting that I have this 'issue' rather than pretending it's not there.

I think the majority of us lose our cool to some extent from time to time, if I do raise my voice or lose control then I will apologise for it afterwards.

Merry marigold keep thinking I should go to doctors but I've been before several times and I know there's no magic solution. Not sure if counselling or pills will help. they haven't before and I'm worried about admitting to having a problem .

I do try to talk to the older ones afterwards . Just don't know how to be with them. I feel like I'm coming across needy, flaky, I just want to be strong loving mum there for my kids . Terrified I'm turning into neurotic, emotionally damaged mum who they can't wait to get away from.

It's just so bloody hard.

I keep looking around me in town or on the school playground, looking at other parents thinking how do they cope? I'm stamping my foot now I know but I'm educated, morally upright, a genuinely nice person ( though I say so myself ) and I just thought when I had my kids that if I loved them and did my best they would be enough.

Sorry bad day, three cans of lager, ranting now at myself obviously

After several minutes of bowl thumping, cupboard banging, door slamming non-specific irateness (and curious looks from DCs) I say,
"Mummy's just CROSS OK? Not wth any of you, just CROSS. Now eat up that weetabix" and they are all pretty chilled.

I think communication is the key, and especially with the older ones e.g. 'I am sooo tired, and it would really help me if you went upstairs and played quietly until 4.30' or 'I'm really frustrated by x,y,z and just need 10 minutes to calm down, so if you could mind ..insert 3yr olds name here... until tea, I'd be really gratfeul'

but if you're really struggling, get help.

GPs can be fab..maybe your thyroid is underactive or you're anaemic?

Also look at 'livinglifetothefull' website and get a cheap copy of 'the sixty minute mother' by Rob Parsons..when I read it, it felt as if a weight had been lifted!

And big hugs...the fact you're worrying shows you care xx

Timetosmile thanks for that. Will have a look at that website and the book. And I think I probably do have to go to the doctor it's just hard to admit to. I just want to be able to deal with it myself.

I am communicating with them, particularly dd1. But just feel like I'm coming across like a loon. Stomp, slam, shout...cry, sorry ... some incomprehensible explanation inappropriate to an 8 year old as I don't know how to explain that when she's horrible to me it pierces my heart like a knife. ( ok in my defence maybe all that is usually slightly more restrained than it sounds but not much). Really need to stop but don't know what to replace it with, I just want to love her and have her love me back. It seemed so simple when she was little.

I think you should try to work out a prearranged explanation a la timetosmile that doesn't lay the blame on your dc. Something that makes it clear that yes, you do have these reactions, it's nothing dangerous, it doesn't mean they are nastier than other children, you're just cross- and yes, they do need to eat that weetabix all the same.

Anything that could come across as emotional blackmail (you are making me feel ill, if you weren't so bad I wouldn't be like this) is bad, both for the dc and for yourself as a disciplinary force. But there are ways in which you could explain it that are neutral- you know this is how I get when I get angry, it doesn't mean I don't love you, it just means that right then, at that moment I am angry.

But showing emotions is absolutely permissible, crying is allowed, a bit of shouting and foot-stamping is allowed, as long as it doesn't dominate your time together.

And if you can then manage to explain it with a bit of humour and self-distance, you are teaching them valuable lessons in managing their own feelings. They may well have inherited your temperament and need a few managing tips.

Do acknowledge the 90% of the time where you are not cross, your kids will remember those times too. I also think its very human to be cross stompy ranty creatures sometimes, as long as your lo's are not the target of your outburst, and are given an explanation/apology.
Also, remember there are no perfect mothers, they are just a myth, everyone has wobbles and are unsure of their parenting skills at times... Its why sites like this are so, so busy. So acknowledging there is an issue is doing your kids a major favour, and if you can aim to be the best mother you can, rather than the perfect mother, you'll be doing a blimming good job.

Cory and guanosoup thanks for those replies. I disappeared from MN from a few days as I felt I'd 'exposed' too much. Just wanted to come back and say thank you for your advice, both answers had loads of bits I found really helpful and encouraging.

Cory if I'm honest your point about emotional blackmail made my blood run cold. I'm very aware of the darkest part of me which edges towards that when I'm at least rational and I think that's what I'm terrified of. The ' how can you do this to me Can't you see how unhappy you're making me?' . Don't get me wrong it doesn't get out very often but i feel wretched for the tines it does.

Will work on done standard responses for when I'm at breaking point I think. Something along the lines of 'mummy's feeling very cross now so I'm just going to walk away for a minute or 2'. My anger response definitely needs a bit of work I think .

Don't be a robot! Do show your emotions! But don't take it out on your kids. You're trying to help your kids grow up to be emotionally balanced individuals, so trying to be unemotional and then when it gets too much exploding in a rage is not what you want them to emulate right?

Try and let it out when you feel it, but maybe verbalise it in a way that describes the problem, rather than making a value judgement or personal attack "It makes me so angry when I see all those toys still on the floor after you finished playing" rather than "You never pick up your toys, you're so lazy!"

You are definitely not the only one. I worry that my complaining of being tired all the time is having an impact on DC. Hearing my whinging can't be healthy for them. I just cannot help it though. It's the only way I can express myself and I have been upset, but try not to cry in front of them.

I was in bits when a relative died last year (like most people are when there's a bereavement) but I cried and cried in front of them and I had no control over the tears that were flowing. I explained why I was crying though, so it didn't look like it was their fault (or the eldest DC fault). It is about getting a balance and it's all down to talking about emotions.

I have been cross with DS1 but I've always said to him that I am sorry, didn't mean to get cross, and that I love him, sometimes big people get upset and feel hurt at times.