Advice needed for DD shouting and screaming please

[MsBakingCakes]

DD is 2.10 years old and her behaviour has been really bad for the last month I would say. Up until know it was easy to reason to her and explain her why she couldn't do something. However for the last month she has decided to stop listening and has started to shout and scream at DP and me (mainly me) as well as kicking things.

I can see that she is very angry but we are not sure why. Today she has said that she misses her dad (we are separated and she has contact with him every 8 weeks although she sees him on skype once or twice a week, his option).

We have been using unconditional parenting but lately it does not seem to work. We have used a chart with a picture of a big girl (which she keeps saying she is when she is behaving badly) and a picture of a girl shouting and another of a whinging girl. We explained her that every time she behaved in any of these ways we would put a sticker so she could see how her behaviour was. It worked for the first two days but now it has stopped working. We have never used rewards charts as we don't believe they work. We have changed this to tell her that she is always a big girl who sometimes behaves badly and it does not work either.

At the moment when she starts screaming and shouting we are leaving her in a different room (with the door open) and telling her once she calms down she can come and talk to us. We used to stay with her in the same room but lately has been making things worse so we have stopped doing it. This approach is not working either.

It is taking her between 10 to 30 minutes to calm down. Although we have had longers ones but they are not very common. Her language skills are not as good as a child the same age as she is learning three languages but she can make herself understood perfectly and understands anything that we tell her.

We need help on new ideas to deal with this as we are stuck and we don't know what else to do.

Thanks

bump

Oh, was going to suggest putting her in another room and telling her to come back when she calms down... Did that for the first time tonight and it worked with dd 2.4. But I see you've tried that. Maybe stick with it though? I've always found that, with whatever issue we face (sleep, food, etc), doing one thing and really sticking it to it tends to work even if it takes a while.

I don't want to criticise at all, but the sticker chart does sound rather complex for someone her age, especially if her language is not so developed. Might it also reinforce her image of herself as a shouty/whiney child? You could try just having stars for being a 'big girl', so focusing just on the positive. Again the stickers might be few and far between at first. But if each time she doesn't make a fuss about bath, bed etc, you give her a sticker and lavish her with praise, she may respond to that well.

Ps have only got one child so am no expert!

Thanks Shushbaby.

DD seemed to undertand the charts pretty well as she was not happy when we gave her stickers for shouting or whinging. We used it to show her how her behaviour was. Maybe wrong for her age

She loves bath, food and bed time has got a lot better since her behaiour has gone wild. She even sleeps through the night . We have even managed for her to stay in her room in the morning until we wake up just by talking to her and explaining it. I thought no bad after what she is being during the day.

She behaves very well in pre-school and outside the house. It just seems to be in the house. Tonight we did a bit of playful parenting and we reverse roles. I was being her and she was me. She took me to another room because she said that I was shouting and told me to sit and cry. So I cried and did what she usually does. After a while I stoppped and asked me to carry on crying. I asked her why and she told me "your dad isn't here". I cried for a bit longer and explained her that even though my dada wasn't here I could talk to him on the phone and see him on skype. She didn't say anything about this. She gave me a hug and we went to the bath as happy as Larry.

Her dad called her this afternoon when she woke up after the "tantrum" and she didn't want to talk to him. If I tell her off for something she will quickly say "I want my daddy" and when I offer her to call him she always says "NO".

Not sure where to go from here. Any advice?

Hey there, I think that leaving her in a different room when she is crying will be causing her a lot of distress. She is upset about her daddy, she needs you there to comfort her and care for her.

have a read of this

The cries that bind

or there is a great book called Tears and Tantrums by Aleta Solter, or her article understanding tears and tantrums

oh just read your next post, that's interesting the way you played together, it sounds like she is showing you through play that she needs to cry for a longer time, with your love and support to express her feelings, it's really important that you don't leave her alone to cry though, she will cry more if you stay, but that is because then she has your support so can offload more sad feelings, but if she can work through to the 'end' of her upset by crying, she'll be feeling much happier after, and have resolved things somewhat, she'll probably be begging to talk to her daddy on the phone. hope this helps.

Thanks you cloudhands, very good reading. I never thought about her needing to cry for longer but you may have a point.

At the moment staying in the room with her the only thing that does is for her to shout more at us and tell us to go away. Our house is small so if we put her in one room we are in the next room with the door open and she usually stands by the door shouting at us while we try to ignore the shouting. So really the same space.

The important thing for us is to improve the shouting and screaming that it is going on at the moment. She is talking to us with bad manners which ends in crying after telling her to talk nicely a few times. We don't know how to deal with this and we know something needs to change.

I think you sound like a lovely mum, very present and trying to help your daughter through a tough time.

Don't beat yourself up... Remember she is two. I don't know a 2yo who isn't a challenge. Although it would be naive to gloss over the impact of her missng her daddy, I do think that some crazy two year old behaviour is to be expected Smooth sailing at meal, bath and bedtime, and sleeping through, are great achievements for you and for her. Most are rotters about at least one of these things at this age!

Thanks ShushBaby.

It can be very hard some days and the way she has started talking doesn't help. But I guess you are right in that we have achieved lots on other things which it is nice having in mind that up until february we were still co-sleeping.

I guess that we just need to keep telling her that she cannot talk that way and hope that it will stop some time soon.

Thanks

I'm glad to have helped Msbakingcakes, I think you are doing the right thing, in saying that shouting is not nice, it seems to be having the effect, of turning the shouting into crying, which softens her up a bit so you can connect with her more easily, the only thing I'd change is to give her a hug, and show you are there is she needs you while she is crying.
This will help her to release her emotions and feel better because she has the safety of her presensce.
There's lots of resources on the hand in hand website that might be of interest to you. The hand in hand philosophy is that our children our naturally good and co-operative but behave 'badly' when their emotions are a bit off track. Lots of love, special time together, playing laughter, and crying in the arms of a loved one, (or with a loved one very close by), help children to release their emotions and feel and behave a lot better.

Poor kid, so much to deal with so young!

I agree with those who say stay with her while she is upset. She has 'lost' her daddy & now must feel like her mummy is going to leave her too, especially as you leave her when she cries.

2/3 yr old tantrum. The hit, kick, shout & scream. I don't think a chart of any type will discourage that because many it is their way of communicating that there is something wrong,as they aren't able to verbalise their feelings well.

Dd is 3 (almost 4) and when she shouts/screams I say to her 'use your words, as I can't hear you when you scream' it seems to work. If she is crying about something, I will say pretty much the same too. Only starting with 'once your tears have stopped coming, use your words to tell me what I can do for you'

Also, look at ways her love has changed & the onset of behaviour. As has been said it could be normal toddler behaviour (and my toddler is good for childcare/preschool too) or she could be reacting to something in her life.

Also, it is said that children will push those they feel comfortable with the most, especially when an adult has left the home. It is their way of testing the resident parent to see 'if they will leave too'.

Also, look at ways her love life has changed

THank you very much for all your comments. We have had bad times in the past but nothing like this.

I will keep an eye on her and see what is going on. I am glad that she opened up when we did the reversing role play.

She knows how to talk and behave when she is at pre-shool or else where.

Cloudhands: I will check that website and see if we can find anything that will help us.

Differentnameforthis: We have used telling her that we cannot understand what she says when she shouts but it doesn't seem to have an effect. Even teling her that our ears hurt doesn't seem work either. But I guess it is worth a try again and see if it works